BOTH YOUR HOUSES

Scene 1—The office of the Chairman of the Appropriations Committee. A morning in early spring.

Scene 2—The Committee Room. The action of this scene begins three minutes before the close of Scene I.

Scene 1—The office of the Chairman of the Appropriations Committee. Late afternoon. Three days later.

Scene 2—The Committee Room. One hour later.

Scene 1—The Committee Room. Evening. Three days later.

Scene 2—The same. Three hours later.

Hello—Mr. Gray’s office! Oh, hello, Alan. Where are you? The Dahl Agency? What are you doing there? But I thought you were going to be here for the meeting this morning.—You what?—You want to see Dad? Well, you can’t unless you get here before they go into session and they’re due right now.—Then you’d better hurry right over or you’ll miss him!

Morning, Marjorie.

Well, Bussy—aren’t you working today?

No, dearest—I’m fired.

What? What do you mean?

It was a surprise to me, too. I sat right down hard on my fifty yard line.

Eddie fired you? By telephone?

By proxy. Oh, he’s back from New York, but I haven’t seen him.

Can I do anything, do you suppose?

At the moment I don’t think your dad’s whole committee could. And I liked that job—and I needed it.

But what’s supposed to be the explanation?

It’s dirty! You remember last session when Eddie was practically keeping house with the steel lobby—

I remember Dad raising the devil about it—

Remember the secretary old man Sprague brought down with him—the one that franked out that speech of Eddie’s on naval parity and the Japanese menace? She came in here one day—tall, blond, never been in Washington before—

Oh, yes—

Well, I think that’s baby.

You don’t mean the steel company’s moving right into the House Office Building?

Certainly—To help Mr. Wister with his home work. What else was he doing in New York? Why didn’t he get back here yesterday?

That’s what dad wants to know.

Of course, illicit passion may have raised its pretty tousled head.

Better to be swallowed by passion than by the Appalachian Steel Company. In any case you won’t have trouble getting a job, Bus.

Trouble enough if I wind up with one of these new Congressmen, spending all my time cleaning up after[Pg 6] him, and never knowing when he’ll make a mess on the floor of the House.

Of course the new ones don’t pay quite so much—

The worst of them is they’ve mostly never been away from home before, and all they know about having a secretary is what they’ve learned from the moving pictures. They try holding you on their laps the first day and assault the second.

You’re romancing, Bus.

Well—you’ve always worked for your father, so you wouldn’t know.

No, I suppose not.

Not that I hold it too much against them. I’m not exactly at an age to choose my pleasures—and assault at first sight isn’t always to be despised—

Bus, you’re a devil—

Do you know how many specimens I’ve had under my personal microscope? Nine. Two fired me for honesty, I fired five for dishonesty—and the other two met natural deaths by electorate. Oh wouldn’t I like[Pg 7] to get even with one or two of those corporation statesmen! Just give me half a chance, and I’m just good and sure I would.—By the way, how’s your Nevada school teacher working out?

Alan? He’s a little out of hand! I’m going to have to give him lessons in how to juggle dynamite.

Is that all? I thought I detected adoration in his eyes!

I wouldn’t really mind! Adoration is rare these days—and a bit embarrassing. However—

However!

I’ll manage.

Of course you will.

[eddie wister enters, a well-dressed man of thirty-eight, with a Racquet Club manner.

Hello! Sorry you got here first, Bussy. Good morning, Marjorie, (marjorie waves her hand.) What did Miss Corey tell you?

Well, I got the impression, I don’t know why—that I’d lost my job.

Why? There’s plenty of work for both of you—

In Washington, maybe—

Don’t be sour, Bus. Do you really want to know why I’ve taken her on?

There seem to be two schools of thought.

Well, it’s for the same reason I wasn’t here yesterday. Wasn’t that pretty obvious?

Not at all. The committee sat here from two to five, waiting for you, and blasting your hide.

No kidding! Didn’t you tell them I was detained?

I did. It was my last official act.

Bussy didn’t know you were looking for a new secretary!

Well, I wasn’t—but I couldn’t help myself. She’s been the secretary of an old friend of mine.

Sure—Col. Sprague—of Appalachian Steel.

How did you know that?

She was down here with him last spring.

Look here, Bus—I’m going to need you, you know. Miss Corey doesn’t know the district—nor the routine either—you’ll certainly have to finish the work on the bill—

She’s to be in charge of the office, isn’t she?

I suppose so, unfortunately—

Then I’m sorry, but you’ll have to excuse me. I’ll take the notes in the committee, and then I’m through.

[solomon fitzmaurice enters.

More wenches!

Good morning, Sol!

Hell-on-fire! You can’t turn a corner without skirts blowing in your eye! By God, when I come up to this town it was a man’s town, and a statesman could arrive at his office when he felt damn good and like[Pg 10] it, without a squad of females waiting for him with their legs crossed and pads open on their knees, yawning for dictation!

Had a bad night, Sol?

In the old days, when government was government, a couple of men could sit down over a jug of whiskey and decide something—

[He has opened the lower drawer of the filing case, extracted a jug, and replaced it with another from his satchel. The empty jug he now drops in the waste-basket.

Sol—you can’t put that there!

I always have.

Well, from now on it’s out. The janitor’s complained about it, and threatened to report it—leave it in your own waste-basket, darling.

And now a gentleman can’t have his liquor because a janitor complains!

It’s only the empty ones they complain about.

Why, the lousy reds, I’ll show ’em—

[He picks up the empty jug, walks with it to the window, and drops it out.

Sol, you pig! It’ll break on the coping!

Let ’em sweep it up, the soviets! You got to bear with an old man, clover. The changes of this world are too much for him, and he’s growing testy and short-tempered.

Drunk and delirious, I’d say.

On my soul, I haven’t touched liquor since before breakfast.

[There is a knock at the door and mark enters with a basket piled high with letters.

Somebody’s hearing from the folks back home!

Now Mark—you’re not bringing all that in here?

Congressman Gray—Yes, ma’am.

That’s another night’s work!

Ain’t no fun for me either, Miss Marjorie.

Take ’em inside, Mark.

O.K. What good is all this—that’s what I want to know?

What good is it? Mark, a question like that spoken at the right time might blow this government right over, right over—don’t you know that?

Tell you the truth—I don’t even care. If it went over—maybe I’d be on the up-side.

[He goes into the inner office.

Call the janitor and sweep ’em out.

We’re not from a corporation district—we have to be pleasant to the constituents. Will you help me, Bus?

Well, come on—(She moves toward inner office.) My God, and they say the art of letter-writing is dead—

[She goes in.

It is.

[She follows bus out.

Have a little one? You’re going to need it.

Is something hanging over me, Solomon?

When Simeon gets through with you you’re going to be so low you can look up and see the depression all around you.

What’s troubling the honorable Chairman?

Boy—

[The door opens and gray and levering enter from the hall.

Oh, there you are!

Morning, Simeon. Now wait—I know I’m in bad, but—

You’re a help, aren’t you? One day in the term I need you here—and you choose that day to climb the Statue of Liberty.

No truth in it, Simeon. Merely had to go to New York. It was a crisis.

In steel?

I noticed it dropped seven points!

Well, that may have had something to do with it.

Well, we’re a week late with this bill already, and I came back yesterday for nothing else but to get it set.

We’ll get it set today, won’t we?

Did you even hear of a bill being put in shape in one day with a new member sitting there and asking questions?

Is that young cub coming in with the caucus today?

[marjorie enters from the inner office.

That’s just what I want to talk to you about, boys. He’s been dodging me for a week now.

Dodges the party whip, does he? Well, that shows intelligence.

Well, why—

That’s what I’d like to know.

We’re going to need a solid caucus to push this thing through the committee. You’d better get hold of him, Disraeli.

I’ve been trying to, but I can’t find him.

Don’t tell me we’ve got another problem on our hands. The less they know the more hell they raise.

Mr. McClean was just on the phone. He’s on his way over here now.

Good. You’d better see him, Dizzy, and straighten him out.

Isn’t McClean your man, Sime? Wasn’t it you brought his name up when we had that deadlock in the committee?

I never saw him in my life, but as the case was presented to me, it looked like a set-up. He was from the district of the dam, he’d have to vote for it, and he wouldn’t dare add any more to it.

What did you say his name was? McClean?

Yes, Alan McClean.

The sooner we get him in and talk to him the better.

McClean. There’s a McClean owns a newspaper in Nevada—used to sow a lot of headaches around here. Any relation?

I don’t know.

Yes. This is his son.

If he’s anything like the old man, you’d better keep him under your cold speculative eye, Dizzy.

Oh, we’re watching him! Didn’t I tell you Merton is his secretary? Well, I have an understanding with Merton.

Well, get Merton in here and let’s hear what he has to say.

[mark enters from the private office, crosses to the hall door and goes out.

O.K. Get me Merton. Personally I think he’s harmless. He doesn’t know what it’s all about.

Maybe.

[marjorie goes into the inner office.

Merton?—Wister. Come into Mr. Gray’s office, will you?

About that little item of mine, Simeon. Are we going to be able to get that in?

No, we aren’t.

Give out something, Simeon! They’ve got to finish that dam, no matter what its name is. Everybody in Washington has tacked something onto the bill except yours truly—and I’m the one man that deserves it.

Well, next time try to tack on something smaller than the Atlantic Fleet, and perhaps you’ll get it.

What does he want this time?

He wants the Atlantic Fleet to spend its vacation at that real estate development of his. How’s it going to read in the newspapers—“The Atlantic Fleet is anchored for the summer at Rocky Point, Long Island, to boom Representative Fitzmaurice’s summer resort and chain of speakeasies!”

The Atlantic Fleet’s got to spend its summer somewhere, hasn’t it? It might just as well be at Rocky Point as at Hampton Roads, and they’d have a damn sight better time, too. Even the navy likes good liquor, and the girls are a hell of a lot fresher on Long Island than down there at the naval base where the gobs have been chasing them since 1812. We owe something to our navy, Simeon; let ’em ashore once in a while in a neighborhood where they won’t need prophylactics.

Well, it carries two hundred thousand extra, and it sounds fishy, and we can’t do it.

Fishy! My God, a little honest smell of fish on that bill would hang over it like an odor of sanctity! It’s loaded down with post offices and subsidies and river and harbor dredging and insane asylums and smaller miscellaneous graft till it stinks clear out on the Pacific! That Ohio gang of Harding’s was a perfume compared to this!

You won’t get it by arguing.

I don’t know anything else you’ve balked at. The bill started out as a forty million dollar appropriation to finish that goddamn dam which was supposed to cost four hundred million over all—

You’re telling me!

And which has already come to seven hundred and ninety on account of the inside gouging you stood for! Why, damn it, Simeon, you’ve let ’em pile odds and ends of boodle onto this last forty million until you’ve run it up to two hundred and seventy-five—and still going strong! There isn’t a lobby in Washington that hasn’t got a section all to itself! Dell’s in it, Eddie’s in it—

I am like hell—

Well, you will be if I know you! Everybody has a cut in it except old Sol himself, who did all the work. I’m the contact man for the whole kit and caboodle in this dirty House—I spend my days soft-soaping the middle-westerners and my nights drinking with the Southern colonels and my mornings eating apple pie with leather-bellies from New England—and what do I get? A rain-check—come back tomorrow!

Too bad about you, Sol!

I’m getting to be an old man, Sime—we’ve worked together a long time, and I don’t ask much. All I need’s a jug of liquor every day and a lot of hard work. But I’ve got to make a little to retire on. Why, goddamn it, I haven’t even paid last year’s income tax yet.

Save the goddamns for the radio. Listen, Sol, a lot of that junk’s coming out, and coming out today. You’ve got to help me. They’ve got it loaded down till the old man’ll have to veto his own measure. Anyway, we’re not going to be caught short in front of any new member—

[merton, a sharp-faced young man, enters without preliminaries.

Morning—

—and you can lay that to Eddie and his New York crisis.

Hello, Merton. Come in and tell us what you know about McClean. Mr. Levering is worried about him.

Oh, I wouldn’t be, sir. He’s a nice fellow.

No doubt, but what’s his history?

Tell you that in a nut-shell. He was a teacher in an agricultural college in Nevada. Kicked up a row over the misappropriation of endowment funds—hell of a stink—got himself fired. His father made an issue of it in his paper—and the upshot was, elected to Congress. Tell me he ran a pretty smart campaign,[Pg 21] too. But he wouldn’t have been elected if a lot of contractors hadn’t got back of him and put up the funds.

Oh, he’s in with the contractors?

No, he isn’t. He’s straight. It never enters that head not to be straight. But the farmers out there are waiting for water, and he promised them he’d work to get the Nevada dam finished. He’ll be for the bill. You needn’t worry about that.

Good.

What’s he like?

Serious. Wears mail-order clothes. Reads Thomas Jefferson. He came down to Washington three months ago, and he’s spent all his time in the Congressional Library.

But that doesn’t answer my question, Mr. Merton. What’s he doing that is so important that he can’t make an appointment with me?

That’s the funny thing about it. You won’t believe this. He’s been working day and night having his own election investigated.

[A pause.

Say that again.

That’s true. He’s having his own election investigated.

Now for the love of—How?

He’s having a detective agency look it up.

At his own expense?

At his own expense.

Comes from Nevada, intellectual, reads Jefferson, having his own election investigated. Simeon, call your meeting to order and for God’s sake muzzle him. This is William Jennings Bryan!

[He goes into the committee room.

Leave him to me, Mr. Gray. I’ll steer him right.

Are you staying right with him, Merton?

I follow him—and he believes everything I tell him. Just leave him to me.

Is he in his office now?

Not yet sir.

Well, when he comes in, will you tell him again and very definitely that I want to see him at once in my office?

Yes, sir.

[They go out.

Marjorie, will you come with me. (marjorie and gray start toward the inner office, dell, sneden and miss mcmurtry enter from the hall.) Go right in, everybody—be with you in a minute.

[He and marjorie go into the office.

So you got here at last!

We were meeting in Washington, you know—not in New York.

I’m damned sorry, boys—

Well, you’re only a day late—

We waited all afternoon, Mr. Wister. I must say—

I’m awfully sorry, Miss McMurtry, you must believe me—

I suppose I’ll have to—

After all, what’s twenty-four hours?

[gray reenters from the office.

I could have shot eighteen holes yesterday—

You couldn’t walk eighteen holes—

[They all go into the committee room, wingblatt, peebles and farnum enter from the hall.

Well, why shouldn’t Nevada get it?

Now, wait a minute! You Easterners treat California like a foreign country! If they let those Fresno banks fail, the whole Imperial Valley’ll fail—California’ll go straight to hell and the moving pictures along with it—

That’s a good idea too.

[bus enters from the inner office.

The whole South went to hell after the Civil War, and nobody seemed to care much—We’ve been unemployed since 1865 and we get along, don’t we?

Go right in, gentlemen, the meeting’s beginning.

You’re a complaining man, Peebles. I don’t know what to do about you!

[The men pass into the committee room. alan mcclean enters from the hall.

Good morning, Mr. McClean.

Good morning, Miss Nillson.

Looking for someone? She’s in there.

Thanks. I hope things haven’t started yet.

Oh, the hyenas are in conference. I’ve already missed words of wisdom.

[bus goes into the committee room. marjorie comes out of the inner office.

Hello, Alan. Do you know people are looking for you?

Who?

Levering, for one.

Oh, he’s been looking for me for days. Am I too late to see your father?

I’m afraid so. The committee’s in session. You should have been here an hour ago.

I did my best. I got some information yesterday which had to be verified, and it took time—it took all night.

And that’s why I haven’t seen you—

Yes. It’s something I’m not quite ready to talk about yet.

Not even with me?

Not even with you.

Well, you are late, but it can’t be helped now. You’ll have to walk in and sit down and tell them who you are.

I think I’d better meet your father first and get started regularly. I’m not at all sure I know how to deal with these facts I’ve gathered. That’s why I tried to see him yesterday.

He simply couldn’t manage it, Alan. He’d just got back and didn’t have a free moment. Most of this bill was framed while he was ill and away, and it was a day’s work checking up on it.

Then—there might be some clauses he hasn’t had time to look into?

Oh, that’s possible—there are an awful lot of clauses.

I see. I’d better see him before I sit on the committee.

You mean—you mean you aren’t going in today?

No, I don’t think so.

Merton’s been advising you, hasn’t he? They know about you, Alan. And if some of them didn’t have a lot of faith in you why would you be here at all?

I wouldn’t be too sure that’s the reason. They may have wanted somebody that looked easy and didn’t know too much.

Do you think you’re like that?

I probably don’t know how to be very dangerous, even if I do know more than they think I do. And appointments are made that way sometimes, aren’t they?

All the time. I played among the pork barrels as a child! That’s what one learns. In fact, you’re quite right. Yours was made that way.

Well, I don’t like it—really Marjorie.

Dad will take you right under his wing, Alan, and help you any way he can. He’s like that.

I know—I know. I’ve been counting on him.

[levering enters from the hall.

Ah, there you are, McClean. I’ve been looking for you!

How are you, Mr. Levering?

Just a little perturbed, if you don’t mind my saying so. I wanted to have a chat with you before you took up your duties on the committee.

Oh, I’m sorry.

My dear—could Mr. McClean and I have a word in private anywhere?

Oh, I have some calls to make—I don’t think you’ll be interrupted here.

[She goes into the inner office.

Thank you, my dear—we won’t be a minute. Well, young man, no doubt you’ve been amusing yourself?

I’ve been studying a little—

Hard at your books as usual? Didn’t you miss an appointment with the committee yesterday?

Yes, I did.

Now I don’t know what your ideas are, my boy, but a good party man doesn’t make important decisions, as a rule, without consulting his party leaders—

I’m not really sure I am a good party man, Mr. Levering.

What? You were elected on a reform ticket, I know. But you don’t want to count as one of these sons of the wild jackass, do you?

I don’t especially like the name—no.

If you want to get anything done you have to cooperate.

I know that.

But you don’t cooperate, McClean. We knew you were a sensible, reliable young man, and we put you on the Appropriations Committee for that reason. I had one talk with you and then you disappeared. I haven’t seen you. You’ve either avoided me, or I’ve had unbelievable luck with the telephone service. Now what’s the matter?

I guess I’ve just been uncertain of a number of things—and I didn’t want to try to talk about them till I felt sure—

That’s a good answer. I can see your point of view. But if you’re puzzled, just put your questions to me. Now the caucus this morning is considering the deficiency bill for the Nevada dam. You’re naturally for that project; it’ll make a nice start for you.

Well, I don’t know—

You don’t know what?

I’ve discovered that some of the people who backed me for office were the contractors who have handled the work on the whole project.

Can you be sure of that?

Oh yes. I’ve looked it up and they don’t really need forty millions to finish it. There’s a lot of water in this business besides what’s to be used for irrigation.

If you’re sure of that, we ought to go over it. We certainly should. And I want to do it.

But I didn’t want to go over it with anyone, Mr. Levering. And I felt almost certain that if I went over it with you, it would lead to a compromise.

You amaze me, McClean. There could be no question of compromise in such a case. This comes of your working alone and taking no advice.

It puts me in a sort of hyphenated position, because I realize I owe it to the people who elected me to put the dam through. But I also ran on an economy platform, and that concerns the whole country. I’ve been[Pg 32] thinking about it a good deal and the two things just don’t go together. But I guess I’ll just have to decide that for myself.

The dam must go through, of course.

[The telephone bell rings.

But why must there be so many expensive and unnecessary things attached to it?

You wouldn’t break your word to the people? That would be flatly dishonest.

But isn’t the whole affair dishonest? (marjorie enters and goes to the phone.)

Hello—Yes.

Now, look here—

I’m sorry—he’s in conference.

We must go over your information in detail. Suppose you come with me now?

I’m sorry but there’s another matter I must take care of first.

How long will it take?

About half an hour, I think.

Very well, I’ll expect you in my office in half an hour.

[He goes out.

Anything unpleasant?

He seemed to find it so.

What led up to it?

I told him I hadn’t consulted him on a certain matter because I didn’t want his advice.

You said that? To Levering? Why, you couldn’t have been more insulting!

Well, it just happened—I suppose if I’d been better prepared, but I couldn’t think of how to get around it—

You’ve got to keep on good terms with him. He’s the presidential mouthpiece—the official whipper-in of the administration.

I could bring myself to dislike him. I don’t like taking advice from him and I don’t like his face. And I certainly don’t care to be—whipped in.

But Alan—

I’ve changed my mind. I think I’ll sit with the committee after all.

But you have an appointment with Levering—

I didn’t make an appointment. If he did, he can keep it. What’s it like in there? A table—with chairs around it?

That’s right.

There’ll be an extra chair, I hope.

Oh, yes.

We’re having lunch together, aren’t we?

Yes.

Here goes.

Alan, you aren’t a wild radical, are you?

No, just a farmer.

Well, this first time it might be better just to listen.

Oh, I’m not going to say anything.

All right!

Also, in my humble opinion, subject to correction from superior minds, Section 42 had better be struck out in toto, just to avoid possible remarks from the gallery. When you want money for river dredging it’s better to pick a stream that doesn’t dry up completely in the summer. I don’t insist that your rivers be navigable, but it would look better if they had water in them.

Isn’t that the Big Belly Creek improvement?

That’s it.

Well, listen, Mr. Chairman, we had to concede that to get the majority for the Iowa drainage business. It’s going to mess up a lot of deals if that’s out.

And now who wants Iowa drained?

That’s the jackass Senator’s pet notion, Simeon. It seems there’s some of Iowa under water, and he wants to put up levees and drain it. I’ve never been in Iowa myself.

The jackass, huh. I don’t suppose there happens to be any patronage mixed up in that?

Well, there you are.

All right. I suppose we’ll have to leave that in. Section 74, enlarging the nursing force under the Department of the Interior. I suppose you’ll have the appointing of those nurses, Miss McMurtry?

Why, as a matter of fact, they do usually ask me for the names—

I’m sorry—but that’s out.

Why, Mr. Gray!

It’s out, Miss McMurtry.

But those nurses are so badly needed! You have no idea of the problems of the maternity bureau. In the first place—

Let’s not go into them now.

I suppose it’s because I’m a woman, and—

It’s more than that; this section has been changed since I saw it last. What does this mean, this addendum, allotting fifteen thousand for the dissemination of birth control information and contraceptives?

Why look at me?

Don’t you know that’s clearly against the law?

Only in cases of real necessity, Mr. Chairman. You see, so much of the difficulty in maternity cases arises from too many children, and after devoting years to a study of the subject I have formed the deliberate opinion that one should strike at the seat of the trouble.

That certainly is the seat of it!

Moreover, I don’t consider it a subject for jesting—especially at a time when so many men are unemployed and are constantly at home and women don’t[Pg 39] know how to protect themselves and the result is even more mouths to feed and even greater destitution!

I declare that angle never occurred to me before—

There are a lot of things that don’t occur to men, but women know that during periods of unemployment the men have nothing else to do and no other outlet for their energy.

What!

Energy!

It’s purely scientific—

Genius, Miss McMurtry. Downright genius. Nevertheless, that section is out in entirety. Mr. Farnum, what was the reason you gave for wanting to establish a national park around the home of Joaquin Miller? Who was Joaquin Miller?

Didn’t he write poetry?

I’m asking you. I don’t know whether he wrote poetry or a joke-book.

Certainly he wrote poetry. “Sail on! Sail on! Sail on!”

Is that all you remember, Mr. Wingblatt?

That’s all.

Then that’s out.

Suit yourself. You lose three opposition votes on the St. Lawrence if you drop it, though.

We can afford it. And 65 is out.

What’s 65?

Establishing a patrol of the Canadian border for the Japanese beetle.

What! Oh, say, listen—

Who wants it?

Some of the Non-Partisan League and Farmer-Labor contingent. They want to employ a lot of farmers.

Do we need the Non-Partisans to push this bill through, Dell?

Not according to my figures.

Then we’ll drop that.

Now wait! What makes you think Dell’s figures are better than mine? I say we do need ’em—and what’s more those pretty little golden bugs are a god-send. They’re coming down like a plague from the northwest, and it gives us a chance to control the Non-Partisans by voting a little something to exterminate ’em.

They’re coming from the southwest, Sol, not the northwest. There are no Japanese beetles along the Canadian border.

Well, what of it? Is this geography or politics?

If Dell says we don’t need ’em, they’re out, and that’s that.

Just the watch-dog of the Treasury, earning his name.

Sol, I promised the President to bring this one down under two hundred millions and we’re going to do it. You can outvote me on it if you want to, but if you do I swear I’ll attack it on the floor and have it sent back here.

I’ve got no deal on with the Non-Partisans, Simeon! They’re no friends of mine!

Then why are they bombarding me with arguments against leaving the Atlantic Fleet at Hampton Roads this summer?

How would I know? Maybe they’ve got children on some of those vessels and they want ’em protected—

Well, you can hardly blame me if it puts me on my guard—

By God, if there’s anything I hate more than store liquor it’s an honest politician! There’s something slimy about a man being honest in your position. You spend your days and nights arranging deals among a pack of thieves, and just because you won’t take anything for yourself, you think your hands are clean.

I get the impression you’re talking a lot, Sol.

The whole damn government’s a gang of liver flukes, sucking the blood out of the body politic—and there you sit, an honest liver fluke, arranging the graft for everybody else and refusing to do any blood sucking on your own account! God, it makes me sick!

Mr. Fitzmaurice—there are some of us here who would rather not be compared to animal parasites—and moreover the government is here for the good of the people! It does a great deal of good—

It does a four billion dollar business in taxes, and I’ll say that’s pretty good. For God’s sake why don’t you folks admit it, and take your bribes like men and go home and invest ’em?

You all through, Sol?

No!

Section 57—I don’t find it in this copy. Lend me your notes, Dell. (He looks at dell’s copy. alan enters. They all look up.) Yes?

I’m—I’m Mr. McClean.

My name’s Gray. Do you want to meet the members of the committee?

I don’t want to disturb anything. I’ll just listen, thank you.

[He sits.

Why, surely.

[A smile goes around the Committee.

Young man, my name’s Fitzmaurice, Solomon Fitzmaurice, and I welcome you to our festive board. You’ll find us all too damned friendly here.

Thank you.

Section 57—yes, that’s the one. That’s out.

But listen, Sime, that’s the new veterans’ hospital at Baton Rouge.

Right.

Well—that—you’d better think twice about that, Sime.

I understand that hospital isn’t really needed—

No, but you see—

Oh Sime—have you got a copy of the bill? Mr. McClean would like to look up certain items.

Certainly. Take mine.

[He hands it over. alan studies it, turning the pages.

I don’t quite see how that can be eliminated, after our very definite talk with Klein.

I. J.? Is that Klein’s district?

It is, indeed—and you remember what the Legion told him—

Yes, I see. Well, we’ll have to make up for it somewhere else. That’ll have to stay in.

Right.

But for God’s sake give me a hand with some of these cuts, some of you. There’s about thirty-three million still to come out.

What are you going to eliminate? You’ve cut enough already to get it killed in the Senate—

It’ll pass the Senate—

It may not even get by the House if you pare it any more.

It’s got to come down, I tell you! Whether the House likes it or not, it’s got to get used to spending less money.

It can’t be done!

It’s going to be done! There’s no way of raising the money! Talk to the Ways and Means Committee!

Oh, hell.

Section 200. Appropriating an additional million for extending irrigation service from the Nevada dam. That can go over to the next session.

Mr. Chairman—

Yes?

Could I have a word?

I can tell you right now, Mr. McClean, that section’s out, but go ahead.

It wasn’t my intention, Mr. Gray, to argue about the appropriation, but there are a few questions I would like to ask.

I knew it!

It’s all right. Don’t mind us.

What I wanted to ask was—

Louder, please.

What I wanted to ask was—am I correct in assuming two hundred millions is the total which the bill will carry?

I hope so.

And is it the intention of the committee to put the bill in final shape today?

Yes—that’s what we’re shooting at.

Oh—well I just want to say, Mr. Chairman, that I’m in sympathy with you on this. When you say the bill ought to be cut down, I agree with you. But I’d[Pg 48] go farther than that. I think the whole bill—and I hope you’ll realize that I say this quite sincerely—not for effect at all—and I know it’s a radical suggestion—but I think the whole bill ought to be dropped.

Now that’s something!

[There is a general gasp.

You’ll have to take that up somewhere else, sir.

I think it ought to be dropped right here and now.

You’ve made a study of this, I presume?

I’ve been looking into it for some time, Mr. Chairman.

I have been in charge of House appropriations for something like fifteen years, sir, and I say that this bill can’t be dropped, and it’s like sweating blood to get it down within limits. If you have any suggestions along that line—

I come from an agricultural district, Mr. Chairman, where the farmers haven’t got any money, and they’re taxed beyond what they can stand already. Not only that but in the town I come from there used to be[Pg 49] thirty-eight stores on the main street. There are now fifteen—because people have no money to buy. When stores get judgments against the farmers and put up their cattle and machinery at auction, nothing is sold. And the whole country’s like that. Nobody can buy anything, at any price. Now, I was elected and sent here because I told my people I’d do what I could to reduce taxes and cut down even necessary expenditures. And there’s nothing in this bill that can’t be done without. So I’m against it.

We’ll take the vote later. If you wish to vote against it, that’s your privilege. Meanwhile, we have little enough time, and I’d like to proceed with the business in hand.

I beg your pardon, Mr. Chairman, but I thought this was the business in hand.

At the moment you’re out of order.

Do you expect to run the House and dictate to the government the first time you step into a committee room?

It may be that I’ve had exceptional opportunities for studying this particular bill. You see, in looking up a certain matter that concerned me closely I was astonished to come upon several instances of lobbyist[Pg 50] influence. There’s private graft in this bill, Mr. Chairman.

My God, that’s a bombshell!

What do you mean, Mr. McClean?

I mean that in at least three instances, the people who are asking for certain appropriations stand to benefit in a monetary way.

Will you kindly name the sections concerned?

Well—the gentlemen I mean are no doubt aware of the situation. They are on this committee.

By the eternal, we’ll have their heart’s blood! I been suspecting for years there was something crooked going on here!

Sit down, Sol. You’ll have to make your charges a little more concrete, Mr. McClean, if you expect any credence.

Well, that’s a little difficult. I prefer not to do that at present.

Then you’ll pardon us if the committee goes ahead with its program.

I happen to be somewhat familiar with your campaign for office in Nevada, Mr. McClean. It seems to me that you pledged yourself to work for the completion of the Nevada dam. Am I correct?

Yes.

Then you must know that this bill was framed for the special purpose of supplying funds to complete that dam.

Well, yes, but I am no longer in favor of it.

No?

I have discovered that my backer and campaign manager had an understanding concerning the contracts. Naturally that puts a different face on the scheme.

Why don’t you ask him why, some of you gouging miscreants, lost to honor and truth! I fear we stand alone here, Mr. McClean, absolutely alone!

Pardon me, Mr. Fitzmaurice, but you are one of the gentlemen I had in mind. There is an appropriation listed here in connection with the maintenance of the Atlantic Fleet.

They took it away from me—took it away from an old man—and here I stand in my honesty—naked to every breeze! Everybody else gets his pickings, but old Sol gets shoved away from the trough. It’s nothing less than conspiracy!

Are you also making charges against the committee?

Wait a minute! Let me ask you something, Mr. McClean. You say we should drop this whole bill. You must know that that Nevada dam is a half billion dollar investment, and it’s been waiting there for a year and a half for this forty millions to finish it.

Three thousand people stranded in construction camps!

A hundred thousand farmers waiting for water!

What’s more, they’re your own constituents!

No wonder the stores are closed on your own main street!

And after all you owe something to your district.

But I say there’s an understanding with the contractors! That forty million is too much because the work could be done for less if the bidding were honest! And even if the whole forty millions were necessary, why must the bill carry over two hundred millions for other projects—most of them quite unnecessary—

How unnecessary?

Wasteful, useless, extravagant, ridiculous—

And how are you going to pass a bill giving forty millions to Nevada if the rest of the country gets nothing out of it? Nobody’d vote for it but Nevada’s own Congressmen and by God you’d look pretty lonely.

Does Congress have to be bribed to pass a bill?

Boy, they’re laughing at you. Maybe I’m laughing at you myself. Don’t you know about the government of the United States?

That’s enough, Sol.

Sime, this boy is suffering!

I say it’s enough.

Wait a minute. Let me put it to him in two words. Mr. McClean, you can’t do anything in Congress without arranging matters. Everybody wants something, everybody’s trying to put something over for his voters, or his friends, or the folks he’s working for. So they all get together, and they put all those things in bills, and everybody votes for ’em. All except the opposition. They don’t vote for ’em because they don’t get anything. That’s all there is to it. That’s the whole government. Is that crooked?

Yes, it is.

That’s what I say. I’ve been saying it for years. (The committee laughs.) What are you laughing at? You all came up to this Congress fighting mad, full juice and high purpose—just like him. Well, look what happened to you. You run into people making deals! Money changers in the temple of public righteousness!

Indeed!

Yes, and it happened to me too, and I was shocked and I started making radical remarks. Why, before I knew where I was I was an outsider. I couldn’t get anything for my district, I couldn’t get recognized to make a speech—I couldn’t even get into a poker game. My constituents complained and I wasn’t going to be re-elected. So I began to play ball, just to pacify the folks back home. And it worked. They’ve been re-electing me ever since—re-electing a fat crook because he gets what they want out of the Treasury, and fixes the Tariff for ’em, and sees that they don’t get gypped out of their share of the plunder. That’s what happened to every man of us here, but that’s the way the government’s run. If you want to be in Congress you have to do it. You let us finish that dam for you, and you’ll be re-elected—talk against it and you won’t be.

I won’t listen to this!

[Half the committee is standing.

What right have I to think about being re-elected?

I’m saying it only because you’re going to make yourself a lot of trouble, boy. If you don’t fall in line and help pass the pie—and do it quick—you’ll be no better than a ghost in these historic halls. Nobody’ll see you or hear what you say—and when you leave it’ll be as if you’d never been here.

Maybe it’s been so in the past—but I can’t believe it’s true now. Times are different—the people—

All right, look around you and see how many friends you’ve got among us. Talk to ’em—ask ’em how many’ll support you in blocking a bill or even cutting it down! State your principles!

Mr. Chairman!

I’m through! Go on—talk your heads off!

I’m sorry this came up this way, Mr. Chairman, and members of the Committee—but I didn’t expect to say anything today. I came here really to sit and listen. So I’ve probably gone at everything wrong end to and broken all the rules there are—but now it’s started I would like to ask you something. Isn’t it true the country’s pretty desperate about taxes now—and wouldn’t it do more good than harm to cancel this bill? There may be necessary expenses in it, and I know my own district stands to benefit more than any other—but when you just haven’t got any money, you have to do without what you’ve been used to.

Well, this country has long been in need of some bright young college graduate who was willing to take over the burdens of the administration.

Young man, you’ve been dreadfully misled.

I think maybe you’ve all been misled for a long time—you think there’s still money to spend—but there isn’t, and you’re all going to find it out!

Meeting over, Simeon?

Adjourned till tomorrow. Usual time.

Wait a minute, Hi. I want to see you.

It’s all gone. I tell you.

[The members have begun to straggle out. alan watches them go until only sol and gray remain. bus is still at the table putting papers together.

Want to talk it over with me, McClean?

No. I—I’d rather be alone for a while.

Do you ever take a drink in the middle of the day?

No thanks.

All right, all right—only don’t make a virtue of it.

[He goes out.

All right, Miss Nillson, Marjorie will take it over tomorrow.

[bus goes out.

Mr. Gray.

Yes?

I wanted to see you before the meeting—

I’ll make it just as soon as I can, McClean, but at this moment I’m helpless. Do me a favor. Talk to Miss Gray about it.

I need somebody’s help very much, Mr. Gray, and I’d rather it was you than anybody else—

You will need help if you’re to carry through your program. More help than I can give you.

I’ve been led to believe that you’d be in sympathy with me.

I am. But I would suggest that you’ve been a bit too heavy-handed to be effective. We all get hot about things when we’re first here, McClean. But it doesn’t help any, and after a while we find out that—

I know I should apologize for the mess I made of it, but I really wasn’t prepared to broach the matter at all, and besides I was bothered by the fact that some of my evidence might seem to reflect—well, on even your integrity.

[marjorie has entered from the office.

My integrity?

Yes, sir.

Well, that’s something I’ve always taken care of myself, my boy, and I can’t remember that anything’s ever been said against it. You have the advantage of novelty.

I realize that you were away at the time the bill was framed, but I have it on fairly competent authority that you own stock in a Culver bank, which is in shaky condition, and that the location of a penitentiary there and the spending of federal money would probably save it.

I hadn’t thought of that, but now you mention it, I hope it does save it.

But if all this came out it might look strange—

You think so?

And it’s such a simple thing to eliminate——

Sometimes it’s not so simple, McClean.

But, Mr. Gray, if I really make a fight on this bill, I’ll have to use all the ammunition I’ve got—

If there’s anything wrong with the penitentiary at Culver, Mr. McClean, I’ll be glad to go over it with you, but not just now, please. It’s an asylum, isn’t it, an asylum for the criminal insane?

Yes.

Yes, I remember. But it had slipped my mind that it went to Culver. You know, I think I met your father when he was in Washington once. Not exactly a patient man himself, but valuable. You ought to have some gift for politics if you’re like him.

I hope I’m not impatient.

You are, though. Now, shall we say as soon as possible? At the very earliest opportunity?

Yes, sir. Thank you.

[He goes out.

Was he right? Is the bank really in bad condition?

I don’t know of any bank in good condition.

Then it could be made to look—strange?

I suppose it could. The papers would go after it like a pack of wolves. Oh, a lot of people would have plenty of fun believing I was crooked. You look as if you half believed it yourself.

No, darling. But the penitentiary had better go somewhere else.

That’s a difficulty. It’s hooked up with so many agreements and promises. It’s a week’s work to untangle a thing like that. Maybe we shouldn’t have laughed at his detectives!

Maybe I shouldn’t have made out such a good case for his appointment. How did you ever let that penitentiary clause slip by?

That thing was fixed up while I was away, Marjorie, and there wasn’t much point in ruling it out because it benefited my home town. That would have been bending backwards. Well, I guess you have to bend backwards in this business.

I knew it was something like that. You shouldn’t be working so hard.

I’ll have a few minutes for lunch if you could go out with me now.

I had a—no, I’ll go with you. I’ll put a few things away here while you get your coat.

Be right with you.

[He goes out. alan enters from the hall.

Are we going to lunch, Marjorie? I didn’t tell you what was on my mind, because it seemed best to talk to him about it.

I don’t know what you think you’re here for nor what you want to do, but you’ve forfeited my respect for whatever it is.

Why?

And it’s not that he’s my father, but he’s the one person who’s really on your side! He’s fought all his life to cut down appropriations and maintain a standard of honesty! And he’s never got anything out of it.

But I always believed that, Marjorie.

But the first step you take in your campaign is to turn on him! Threatening to expose an innocent coincidence that would make it impossible for him to go on with his work! Don’t you know every form of corruption in the country would take on new life if he were crowded off the committee? Don’t you know every lobbyist in the city’s waiting for just such a chance?

But Marjorie—if he’s made himself a part of the system so much that I can’t attack any part of it without attacking him, I can’t help it.

But he hasn’t! He isn’t part of it. The clause means nothing to him personally, but it can’t be thrown out at the last minute?

He told you that?

Yes. It might look as if he were to blame if it were brought out. But it would be unfair, terribly unfair. You don’t know how hard it is to keep up a reputation like his over a long period of years in Washington.

But Marjorie, I do realize it.

Did you actually set detectives on him?

[bus and gray enter from the office.

No, I didn’t.

Then how did you know all this?

Oh, it doesn’t matter.

Well, Marjorie.

Yes—let’s go.

[gray and marjorie go out together.

I beg your pardon.

It’s all right.

I thought I heard a repercussion as I came in here.

You did.

It sounded final. I hope it wasn’t.

I don’t know.

That’s no way to win a girl, you know. Opposing her father.

No. I know it isn’t.

I wish I’d met somebody like you when I was young and inflammable. I’d be a better woman today. However, now that I’m here, let me congratulate you on your disgraceful conduct in the committee. You were swell.

Was I?

I haven’t heard such a row since the debate over taking the couches out of the House Office Building. That was an uproar.

I suppose I might as well go ahead with it.

With what?

Well, I’m against this bill—it’s crooked from beginning to end—and I’ve got enough information to kill it.

Where, if I may ask, did you get all this stuff?

Well, I was having my election investigated.

I heard that—I didn’t believe it.

Well, I was. And day before yesterday I got some extra pages from the bureau—and they weren’t about myself—they were about some of the others on the committee.

Someone else is doing some investigating.

Yes. Well, they sent right over for the pages but not before I’d read them. I didn’t realize at first how important it was, but now that I do, I’m certainly going to use it.

How?

On the floor of the House, if necessary.

But what gave you the idea they’d let you make a speech?

Why not?

They’ve got machinery down here especially designed for keeping people from speaking. No, you won’t get a chance to open your mouth. The Speaker’ll be tipped off, the parliamentary experts will have your number, they’ll know everything you’re planning to say before you say it. Why, damn it, your own secretary is working for them and turning in regular reports.

My secretary? Merton?

Yes, Merton.

But that can’t be.

It is, I assure you.

And you think I won’t be allowed to speak?

I know you won’t. Alan, you’re up against a gang of professional empire wreckers. If you added up the[Pg 68] conquerors of all time, from Alexander to Napoleon, the lump of what they got wouldn’t touch what’s dragged down annually by this gang out of our national treasury. And that being the case, do you think they’d hesitate to make things difficult for you? So far as they’re concerned, you just aren’t here. You don’t exist. You aren’t even a fly in the ointment. And the ointment business around here runs, believe me, into something staggering.

I guess I might just as well go home.

You might just as well. It’s a bad time for idealists. I’m out of a job myself.

And everybody just lets them sit here—ruining things! Why, who are they, anyway? Who gives orders like that?

Oh, those on the inside—

And anybody that isn’t on the inside is supposed to stand around and wait till they give the word?

Yes, indeed.

By God, I’m not as easy as that. And I won’t do it! No, and I’m not going home—

No, you’ll stay and draw your salary. They all do. They’ve done it for years.

They won’t drive me out, and they won’t give me orders! I know how the country feels whether they do or not, and they’re going to find some of this money red-hot when they pick it up!

I wonder—

You don’t think it can be done—

I don’t think you can do it.

I’ve been on a crooked school board and I know how they jump for cover when you start looking at their books!

Well, it isn’t exactly a school board.

Oh, yes it is! Only a damn sight less intelligent! And they’ve all got weak spots! They can be had—and they’re going to be—right on this bill they are! Why damn their goddamn eyes—

Mr. McClean, there’s something about you that vaguely begins to appeal to me. Do you want any help?

What kind?

I need a job. I was fired this morning. I know all about everything. Have you got any plans?

No, I haven’t yet.

What of it? What I’ve forgotten is plenty for both of us, and if we could include the setting off of a few bombs, I’d find it a fascinating and congenial occupation.

Go on!

The House is split just about fifty-fifty on this bill. A little finagling here and there, and a few promises, and you might—yes sir, you might find yourself with the deciding vote in your own little hands.

I wouldn’t know how to do that.

But I would. Oh, they made a foolish move today. They left the Non-Partisans out of this bill. There are four or five of ’em and they could swing Congress if they could stick in a lump for once. If we could find—Beetles!

What?

Beetles! The committee didn’t give ’em their beetles, Mr. McClean.

Oh, I begin to get you!

Of course you do. Now you go out and talk with a few Non-Partisans and you’ll find yourself among friends.

You think it will work?

I’m sure it will!

Listen—you’re hired!

Salary?

Whatever it’s been.

[She puts out her hand. He takes it.

Shall we go to lunch?

Why not? I’m hollow.

[merton enters from the office.

Oh, Mr. McClean, I wondered where you’d escaped to. I thought perhaps you’d like to lunch with me—

What do you mean by escaped, Mr. Merton?

Why—uh—we have several things to talk over—

I rather doubt that. You’re fired.

Sir?

I said, you’re fired.

I don’t quite get it—

Maybe you’re a bit slow in the head. You’re fired!

But Mr. McClean! I’ve been secretary to the Congressmen from your district for many years now—if there’s been any mistake made which I could rectify—

You’d have to go back too far! You’d probably have to talk to your father and mother. You’d also have to make a lot of changes in your education and subsequent career. I said you’re fired, and when I said[Pg 73] it, I meant it good and plenty! (He turns to bus.) Are you ready, Miss Nillson?

Hello, Merton!

Sons and heirs of boll-weevils and inch-worms. The lousy, filthy, air-polluting spoor of a mongrel dog. Did you hear what I said?

What?

I said, those sons and heirs of a weak-minded seventh generation of boll-weevils and inch-worms—

What’s the matter, Sol?

Do you know what those quadruple asses have done?

Who?

The federal income tax bureau. They’ve disallowed enough exemptions over a period of four years to[Pg 78] soak me forty-five thousand dollars extra. Those web-footed, ass-faced water-drinking, ossified descendants of a bad smell. What have you got to be in this carrion government to get your income tax fixed? A Secretary of the Treasury?

That helps. It helped before.

God, what a government! It’s bad enough to have to have it, but imagine having to pay for it! Tomorrow I’m going to take a tin-cup and stand at the corner of N Street and Pennsylvania Avenue. I’m going to stand there with my hat off and a tin-cup in my hand, asking alms from passers-by.

You’d better take a jug along to go with the tin-cup.

We’re ruined, Marjorie, ruined. My real estate equities are wiped out, the speakeasies are in the red, the Playground’s deserted, the bill isn’t going to pass, and I haven’t got any more navy than Paraguay.

What do you mean, the bill won’t pass? What’s the matter, Sol?

It’s a rebellion. This McClean’s a little David, Marjorie, and he’s got six strings on his harp, six Farmer-Labor and Non-Partisan Leaguers lined up[Pg 79] with him to control the House and ride our bill to destruction. And he’ll do it, Marjorie, he’ll do it!

Oh, nonsense!

Wait and see. The old oracle’s corns are hurting.

How close is it?

We’re dangling by a spider web, Clover. According to my figures, there are eighteen members that could go either way. The rest are pretty well nailed down, for or against. Well, that eighteen has been talked to, and the best I can make it, McClean’s just one vote behind. Let one more man swing over, and there’ll be a majority against us.

Did Alan do all this?

He couldn’t fail. We put the ammunition right into his hands. And that’s something for old Simeon Gray to worry about.

Sol, you’ve got to stop hammering at Dad. He’s a nervous wreck, and I’m worried about him. And you do him no good!

I do him no good! What is he doing for me?

What you don’t get one way, you get another. (eddie comes in from the hall.) You’re an artist at that, Sol—you know you are.

Hello, Sol! Say, Marjorie, could you do me a big favor?

If it can be done quickly.

It’s quite a job. That damn bill is lying in pieces all over my office.

Sure—they’re sitting up nights slashing it to bits.

Miss Corey’s been trying to paste it together, and confidentially, she’s done one of the finest pasting jobs I’ve seen in years. If you help her for a few minutes you can name your price—

I’ll take a cigarette—but you’ll have to wait till Dad gets here.

The committee meeting’s in half an hour, remember.

[levering and wingblatt enter.

Eddie, I ought to take that flask of Sol’s and hang a few glass medals on that glass brain of yours!

What’s the matter?

I thought you were supposed to be watching McClean. What other use are you?

What’s he done now?

Aren’t we counting Trumper for one of our votes?

Yes—if he’s still supposed to be sane.

Well, I happen to know he’s been in McClean’s office since one o’clock.

[marjorie goes into the inner office.

We lost two other votes this morning, and if he gets Trumper, he’s over the line. I thought you said he was harmless!

Are you trying to make me the goat? I’ve done all I can! He got away from you too, didn’t he? If this bill doesn’t pass, I stand to lose a large amount of actual money.

And what kind of fake money do you think we stand to lose?

Well, I didn’t put him on the committee, did I?

That’s done with and let’s not rake it up!

I suggest you’d better talk to Simeon.

[gray enters from the hall.

That’s what I’m here for. He’ll have to postpone this meeting long enough to give us a chance to attack those fellows one by one.

Postpone the meeting? What for?

Because we may have to add something to that bill, Sime, to push it through Congress.

Add to it? Why?

A lot’s been happening around here since we saw you last! McClean’s got Trumper in his office right now, and if he brings him over we’re one vote behind.

What? Why you’re crazy, Sol!

It’s enough to drive a man crazy! Where have you been?

At the White House.

Hell, you’ve been there for two days now. What have you been doing? Taking lessons in smiling?

We’ve been trying to cut down on this bill.

Cutting it down! If you don’t start building it up pretty soon, this is going to be a purely imaginary bill, a mere wraith of legislation in all its functions and effects.

Drop the oratory, Sol!

All right! But you’d better listen to me. I tell you this boy prodigy from Nevada is lifting every stone in Washington and tipping the worms off to their big chance. And they’re turning, Sime, they’re turning. Congratulate yourself!

Me? Why didn’t you go out after those Non-Partisans? You’ve handled ’em before.

It was you wouldn’t give ’em that Japanese beetle patronage.

McClean can’t give it to them, either, can he?

I got down on my knees and begged you to let ’em have it! It’s the first burning issue they’ve had since the Indian raids of ’75. But you wouldn’t give it to ’em. Now McClean’s sold ’em on the idea that they can control the whole damn Congress if they stick together—and they’re wild—there’s no stopping them.

I wish I’d known we were dealing with a maniac.

Why don’t you give the bastards their beetles? You and the old man sitting up there and slicing off five dollars here and two ninety-eight there—

Sure, tell ’em they can have their beetles! What difference does it make?

What do you think, Disraeli?

There’s nothing else to do.

All right. Go ahead.

If we want to do any more scouting before the committee meets, we’d better do it now! The whole damn Farmer-Labor geselshaft is in conference downstairs!

Let Sol tackle them, Wingie! You’d better go after Trumper!

But what can I promise him? Nobody’s told me how far I can go—outside of the beetles!

Do you need more than that?

If you do, let him have it!

And can he take it? Let’s go.

Sol, are you dead on your feet?

I don’t think it’ll do any good. They say even God has his price—but there’s no arguing with these Scandinavians! Come on, Wingie.

[sol and wingblatt go out.

You and the President may have to loosen up a bit on this bill, Sime.

I wouldn’t be too optimistic. We sat six solid hours over this thing today, and I give you my word, he won’t stand for a dollar we don’t need for the vote.

Yes, but a few more dollars may be needed, Sime! In any case you’d better hold off your meeting till we know where we are!

Right!

[levering goes out.

Forget about those Non-Partisans, Sime. We’ve got more trouble than that!

Yes? Where?

I just had a call from the cuttlefish. He’s threatened to withdraw his support, and you know what that’d mean! the whole middle west against us! Why, we wouldn’t have a prayer. You know why, of course.

No—why?

He’s in with this Committee of 48 on National Defense.

What’s that got to do with it?

Well, National Defense, Simeon—

The Committee of 48 on National Defense is another name for about 48 steel companies.

I didn’t mention it before, Sime, because I figured on holding out on them for your sake. But I can’t do it. They were sore about being left out of the omnibus bill, and they mean to get in on this or know the reason why.

What do they want?

Rehabilitation of two battleships.

Two battleships! That’s fifteen millions!

Might be about that.

Why, you’re insane!

You don’t know how this one interlocks—the steel crowd, the cuttlefish, the Pennsylvania machine, the aluminum boys—I can’t fight ’em all.

Tell ’em it can’t be done.

They won’t listen.

Then let ’em wait. Why should they try to unload Navy stuff onto a deficiency bill?

They think it’s a good spot.

A battleship’s no damn good any more—in peace or war—and they know it. And yet they spend fortunes to wreck disarmament conferences and keep the high seas cluttered with their antediluvian tin cans.

I know all that, Sime—but they’re pinching me.

You’ll be re-elected, Eddie!

Not if I flop on this. They can pick their own man.

I hate to refuse you, Eddie, but it’s too much.

I’ll have to have it, Simeon.

It’s impossible! If you can’t get it, you can’t—and that ends the argument.

Now listen, Simeon—everybody’s in on this bill.

Oh, no.

That river dredging scheme. Where does that come in—

That’s out. I saw the general.

Well, that Veterans’ Bureau—what about that?

Why pick on that? Do you expect me to fight the American Legion?

I suppose not. And there’s that Massachusetts crowd—and that penitentiary at Culver—

What?

That penitentiary at Culver—How did that get in there?

It was put there in Committee—why?

By whom?

[A pause.

By me.

Why?

What’s wrong with it?

I’m asking you.

Nothing.

I hear different. Who’s the majority stock holder of the Culver bank? Who knows that it’s bound to crash?

So, it was you—

What?

I thought McClean had been looking me up—it was you.

You’re wrong, Sime—

Don’t Sime me, God damn you! I thought you were a friend of mine—

I am—anything I know about you I must have heard in a perfectly open way.

You had the Dahl Agency look up what I owned.

You’re wrong, Sime—dead wrong!

Don’t lie to me! I made it my business to find out.

You were looked up, but not by me. Sprague had it done for the company.

It comes to the same thing. You’re Sprague’s hired man!

Well, where do you get this stuff of walking around here as if you were God’s favorite archangel dispensing favors in the lower regions! It’s rather nice to know that you’re just one of us after all!

Would you expect me to publish a thing like that to the hyenas on the committee?

Well, what are you going to do about it?

We haven’t got a majority anyway and a couple of battleships ought to sink us cold—so put ’em in. Just to make sure we lose!

We certainly will lose if they aren’t in. So what’s my answer?

You get your fifteen million! And you can take your rake-off out of it—and you know what I think of you!

Well, I’ve been puzzled about you, Simeon—but not now.

That all you want?

It’ll do for the time being. No hard feelings?

You think not!

[bus enters from the committee room.

It’s no business of mine, Eddie, but your Miss Corey is up to her eyebrows in mucilage and hysterics. She’ll never untangle that bill in time—

Marjorie said she’d lend a hand—

Marjorie’s going to be busy.

[He goes into the office.

Give Miss Corey a lift with that copy, will you, Bus?

Sure—why not?

Thanks. Don’t make it too permanent. There may be another change or two. (alan enters from the hall.) Hello, McClean!

How are you, Mr. Wister? (eddie goes out.)

Oh, my God—Bus!

Well, I thought that confab with Trumper would never end. How did it come out?

That man’s crazy!

Don’t say that. What did he want?

Free seeds and free silver!

I don’t believe it!

It’s true. He wants to flood the country with free silver.

Well—good Lord—give the country free silver. I say it ought to have free silver.

It’s not funny, Bus.

Well, give it free gasoline, then, and fiat money! We need Trumper’s vote.

You don’t know what he’s like!

Oh, yes, I do. He thinks he’s the logical candidate for the next Presidential nomination.

Exactly! He spent three-quarters of an hour reading me his speech of acceptance.

That was a short one—God, the ones I’ve heard of his. Is he still there?

Yes.

Nobody with him?

No, he’s just sitting there!

Alan, this is our moment! Go back and talk to him—tell him you’ve been thinking things over—“Mr. Trumper, you’re a great statesman, and I consider it a privilege to support you!”

You don’t know what I’ve let myself in for with the rest of them to get the votes we’ve got! I’ve had to pledge myself to an increased tariff on lumber and an increased tariff on wheat, a new system of landbanks, an embargo on circus animals—including Siamese cats!

Cats?

Cats!

Cats and beetles! Well, what of it? What we want is to defeat this bill. You don’t need to worry about those promises, because you’ll never be called on to deliver. Why not one of them will even get out of committee.

But Bus—

We’ve done everything but give it the final push-over! You’re not going to fall down on that! What’s a promise or two—this is Washington!

Bus, this is funny up to a point—but I simply will not and cannot go near Trumper again. I can’t work this way.

Well, what are you going to do?

I don’t know, but I’ve got to think of someone else.

Why? Trumper’s ideal—he’s a jelly fish!

But there’s nothing ideal about the way you want me to get him. You’ve been swell, Bus—I couldn’t have got started at all without you, but our methods turn my stomach over. They’re just like everyone else’s, and I’m calling a halt right now.

There is no other method in this place, Alan.

God, what happens to people here?

You’ll find out some day. You can’t just go to a Congressman and say, “Please mister, vote on our side because it’s honest!”

I’m not quite that naive. But there must be a few here who see—as well as I do—that this regime is damn near over! There must be a few who’re sick of the way things are being done and ready to take a chance for once.

For instance—who?

Well—Sol, for one!

Sol!

Yes, Sol! He knows it! And more than that he has a damn good reason to be sore right at the moment!

Alan, the strain’s begun to tell on you!

No, I’ve got to do this my way. It may seem crazy to you but it doesn’t to me! I’m going to talk to him!

Alan, you’re in for a terrible headache! I’d better go clean up after the efficient Miss Corey.

[sol enters from the hall.

Hello! How’s the opposition?

In beautiful shape, Sol—beautiful! You’re wasting your time, Alan.

[She goes into the committee room.

Alan, that was a smooth piece of work, picking up Bussy the way you did—and I won’t keep it from you, you’ve got us worried.

I hope so, Sol.

I’ve got a proposition for you, Alan. Show me your lists and you can see mine—all open and above board. Because I’ll tell you the truth, according to my reckoning we’ve got you. That is, unless you’ve seen somebody else I’m not figuring on—

I’ve seen everybody!

Tell me one thing and I’ll know the whole story. Have you seen Trumper?

Oh, yes, I’ve seen him.

And he came over to you?

Well, he offered to.

Then I’m wrong. Sol’s wrong again, and you’re one vote ahead. Is that the way you dope it?

If I sell out for what he wants.

But you aren’t going to do it? A man of your principles? You wouldn’t trade back and forth like the rest of us?

Sol, I want to ask you something.

Anything, Alan, anything.

You think we’re enemies now—we’re working against each other—and you don’t trust me—but we’re really on the same side.

Well, frankly, I didn’t know I’d been playing into your hands to that extent.

You remember what you said to me in the committee room, the first time I saw you? You said when you first came to Washington, you were young and a radical and the whole system made you sick—didn’t you?

Did I say that?

And it was true—wasn’t it?

You aren’t making an appeal to my virtue, Alan? My lost virtue?

I’m saying that you know I’m right about this thing—and you’re wrong.

There’s a simple formula for deciding what’s right and wrong in politics, lad. It comes down to one rule! God’s always in the money. He don’t lose.

But suppose God’s changed sides! The thing you’d better start worrying about is that you’re going to wake up some morning and find yourself an old man—and not only old, but out—down and out.

Why boy, you’re eloquent! Only isn’t it kind of a last resort to come to old Sol and try to win him over?

You know this gang isn’t going to last. They’re afraid—Gray’s afraid and the President’s afraid. They feel that something’s happened and something has—something’s snapped!

God, boy—you make me wonder. You shake me, Alan, and I haven’t been shaken for a long time. You think the people are changing—waking up?

I know they are.

Now it’s been my firm conviction, fortified by thirty years’ experience, that the people don’t change—and they seldom or never wake up. In fact, I have found no word in the English language and no simile or[Pg 101] figure of speech that would express the complete and illimitable ignorance and incompetence of the voting population. But maybe I don’t go back far enough. Maybe it’s a longer cycle than I take in.

They’re awake now—and they’re going to throw you all out—all of you.

Wait a minute—wait till I pour myself a drink. (He does so.) Now, what do you want me to do?

I want you to vote against the bill.

Give me reasons, Alan, give me reasons.

You get nothing out of it, even if it passes, do you?

No. But if I voted against it I’d be out with all my friends.

What of it? You and I could control the House now, Sol. We could wreck their machine, we could wreck their bill. Think of it—we could show them there are more honest men than thieves for once.

It ain’t true though. There ain’t half as many honest men as thieves. Never have been. There’s just one fallacy in this argument of yours. Would it be your plan, in case we get control, to run this government honest—as being the best policy?

Why not?

Then there wouldn’t be anything in it for anybody, would there? Nothing beyond his salary?

Well—no.

You see, that’s the fatal flaw!

You want to come with me, Sol. You know you do. And I’m counting on you.

You’re counting on me! I’d better tell you about myself, boy, before you say any more! Long ago when I was slim and eagle-eyed, I had a good angel. You wouldn’t believe it to look at me now, but old Sol had a good angel by his side back there in the morning of time. And when a question like this came up this angel of light would come shouldering round him, arguing for righteousness, arguing against evil courses and the selling of his soul. If I was going to do wrong I had a wrestle with that angel. Like Jacob of old I wrestled with him in the night, and like Jacob of old I often came out ahead. It got so[Pg 103] that the angel didn’t have a chance with me, Alan, and after a while he got tired. Temptation would come upon me and I’d look around for this here spirit to wrestle with, and he wouldn’t be there. He ought to be here wrestling with me now, Alan, but he’s quit me. He don’t even brush his wings by me, let alone give me a struggle. So I’m just an old man soaked in tobacco and fusel oil, and no help to anybody. No, if it’s up to me to stop the bill, it’ll pass. You never get anywhere by taking things away from people, Alan. You’ve got to give them something.

Why?

Because the sole business of government is graft, special privilege and corruption—with a by-product of order. They have to keep order or they can’t make collections.

Oh—oh, I see. Sol—

Don’t say it, Alan, don’t say it.

Sol, you know—you may be right.

No, I’m all wrong. But what I’m mostly wrong about is I don’t steal in a big enough way. Steal apples and they put you in jail—steal a nation and the[Pg 104] hosts of heaven come down and line up under your banners.

That’s what I mean.

What?

That’s exactly what I mean!

I don’t get you!

I guess you’re right, that’s all. I guess you’re right.

I’m right as far as I’m concerned. Sol’s dyed in the wool—a black sheep—and whitewash won’t cover him.

[wingblatt enters from the hall.

Sol, can you come out here a minute?

Good news, Wingie?

Not especially good news for McClean—but good news!

You haven’t been promising things?

No—no! Just free seeds and free silver! God, the punishment I’ve been taking. Campaign speeches for Christ’s sake!

That’s better than having to make ’em!

[They exit laughing. alan goes to the phone.

Get me Mr. Wister’s office. Hello! Bus?—Alan! Are you where you can talk?—No, you were right about Sol. And they’ve grabbed Trumper too!—No, I’m not licked! But I’ve got another idea! No, no—I don’t like what it means a damn bit. It’s as rotten as every other method in this place, but it’s the only chance I’ve got left. I want you to get copies of everything ever proposed for H.R. 2007.—I’m going to use my information—you know what.—Oh, God, Bus, I know that! I know it’s a dirty thing to do! I have more reasons than you have for not liking it! But I’ve got to do it, and nobody’s going to stop me! Oh, let’s not talk about it! Just get me the copies of those things, and get ’em here quick!

[sol enters from the hall.

Tact, boy, tact! Now you see, Alan, with a little tact and longsuffering, Wingie’s just brought Trumper into camp—and we’ve got you licked. Has it ever occurred to you that you might be conducting your life on too high a moral plane?

That’s just what I have been thinking!

What?

I guess your methods are better than mine, that’s all. If I’m not on the inside I’ll be out altogether.

Now, don’t let me overpersuade you, Alan. You stick to your line.

You don’t want me on your side?

Good Lord! I wouldn’t believe it for a minute.

Well, you may when it happens. I’m going to ask for something in the bill myself.

You’re going to ask for something? Don’t do it, Alan.

I’m going to ask for that extra million for Nevada irrigation.

And vote on our side?

Yes.

But you’re away late asking for it now, Alan. You should have put in your bid earlier.

Don’t you think I have a certain amount of influence—just for the moment?

Now, look here—was this whole set-up of yours a badger game? It’s going to look that way.

But what does it matter how it looks? Dell’s in it—and Sneden and the veterans’ lobby—and even Mr. Gray—

No—not Gray.

I thought so. Isn’t he? That prison at Culver’s his, isn’t it? I thought it was.

Oh, no, no, no! You’re off the beat there. Simeon’s never been hooked up with anything.

But as I understand it, the bank’s mainly his, and the money’s badly needed—

As you understand it? Where did you hear this?

It was an accident.

Oh, it was—

But it’s certain enough to get me anything I’d ask for. I wouldn’t tell this to anyone else, Sol, but you’re a friend of mine, and I know it won’t get spread around.

Alan, you paralyze me. I get sober listening to you. Or am I sober? I take it you’re not a drinking man?

Not a heavy one!

Things like that don’t come out by accident. You looked into it.

Not intentionally. But you might as well have your fleet on the strength of it.

Boy, when I look at you and reflect on how I wasted my young time! The cunning of the serpent with the outward appearance of the dove! By God, I’ve never been up against it before!

But Sol, if I’m going to make capital of it, you may as well do the same.

No. No, I can’t use it on Simeon, Alan. You go in and make your own deal. I’m not a man to take an unfair advantage of a friend—never was a man to do that.

Well, don’t use it if it’s against your conscience.

No, no! I couldn’t do it. Not to save my soul from perdition! On the other hand—I ought to do it, Alan. This generation that’s growing up now, it’s a generation of vipers. You can’t compete with ’em without being a viper. Why, they’re born with teeth and claws nowadays. I’ll just step in and see him a minute.

You really might as well.

Not about that. Just in a friendly way.

Surely.

And I stood there telling you about my angel. An old man’s got to look out for himself. He’s got to.

[He goes into the office. bus enters.

Well?

Are they complete copies?

Solid pork! What are you up to?

I’ve been talking to Sol. He’s in there getting his navy right now.

What?

I’ll catch the rest of them when the caucus meets, and advise them to ask for anything they want. They won’t be refused.

What are you going to do?

I’m going to overload the bill! I’m going to fill that thing with rubbish till no one will have the face to vote for it. Till it’s a monstrosity and no one will dare sponsor it!

And this came to you all by yourself? Let me gaze on you, Alan. Let me contemplate the contours of that Nevada profile!

Oh, you don’t think it will work out?

On the contrary, I think it might. I think it will if you can carry it off. I resign, Alan. I abdicate. Take my hand and lead me. I’m a little child!

It’s all here. You may find it a bit sticky.

[She goes out to the office, closing the door. eddie picks up the sheaf and leafs it through.

No—if we’ve got Trumper, he hasn’t got a chance—look here.

[He shows his figuring to farnum.

Was Trumper wobbling?

Good Lord, anyone can have Trumper that’ll listen to him.

[gray comes in from the office.

Have you got it together?

Seems to be all here. Six copies. I’m stepping out for a minute, Sime, but you can go ahead. I’ve okayed everything.

[He goes out.

Sime—where’s Sol?

I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. He’s been over it with me.

Is it going to pass, Simeon?

So far as I know it is. Do you want to take a look at it?

Sure.

Could I see a schedule of the accepted items?

I beg your pardon. Certainly. (He hands her the remaining copy. alan comes in and seats himself.) Now, boys, I don’t want this session to take too much time.

Neither do I. This bill’s ruining my game.

Look them over and we can take the vote. We’ve been on the thing entirely too long.

Why should we spoil our day looking at it? It’s all cut and dried anyway.

Put it in type, Simeon. There aren’t any changes, are there?

A few. I went over it with the President.

One thing you can be sure of then—there’s no good news in it.

I think the other members should be here.

Just for the hell of it?

They will be. Look it over first, if you like.

Say, that veterans’ hospital isn’t eliminated, is it?

It had to be, I saw Klein about that myself.

Well, what the hell!

You can’t do things this way, Sime. You’ve cut out that Iowa drainage.

Had to do it—

Hey, boy—Sol got his navy.

And Sol gets his navy. I had to admit it.

You mean the President slashed that Iowa thing—and leased Sol the Atlantic Fleet?

Right.

Sol got his Navy? Well, in that case—

Look here, Sime—what’s this “Naval rehabilitation”? Is that the fifteen million slice Eddie’s been trying to get for his committee?

That’s it, and I couldn’t avoid it. Those two, and the Japanese beetle, which we had to have for the Dakota vote, are the only items the committee hadn’t concurred in.

Damn swell items, if you ask me.

That’s what I say. We’re a long way over the budget.

I don’t like it any better than you do.

Well, why was it, then? The rest of us have had to surrender on one clause after another! You don’t intend to rush this thing through without explaining?

Not at all. If you want me to enumerate the reasons for every inclusion, it can be done. It’ll take a lot of time, but—

We wouldn’t be much ahead, Sime. But it certainly looks this time as if there were a few people on the inside who were getting what they wanted at the expense of the rest of us.

And personally I’m tired of taking one man’s word for what we can have and what we can’t! This caucus is supposed to be governed by majority vote—and by God, I think it should be!

A fine mess you’d send over to the White House.

[sol and eddie enter.

I’d like to ask Sol there how he wangled that Navy out of you! I’d also like to ask Eddie why he’s able to slip things in after the deadline!

If you wanted to influence this legislation you should have made a study of it.

I know—as you have.

Yes, as I have. If you want this thing kicked back here—

Oh what the hell! There’s no use jawing with him. It’s always this way. Let’s get it over with.

[He picks up his golf cap.

Mr. Chairman.

Oh, let it ride!

[He starts to rise.

What do you say, Farnum?

What’s the good? Let it go. I give up.

[He gets up.

Mr. Chairman.

[The committee is ready to go.

Mr. McClean?

As you all know, I have been engaged, perhaps mistakenly, in attempting to defeat H.R. 2007. As matters stand now, it seems it will pass, and in the light of that knowledge I have been reconsidering a number of questions concerning it. I have gone over the Nevada project again—and I am convinced that, since the bill is to pass anyway, it would be wise to include the extra million for irrigation which was put over to next year.

An extra million! Well, I must say—

You should have spoken earlier, Mr. McClean.

Also, in looking over this project, I was drawn into a perusal of other items which have been offered for the bill and rejected—and with Miss Nillson’s help I have made a list of all requests which were denied in preliminary discussions of the legislation. The list is long, longer, I believe, than the list of those accepted, but I have been amazed, and I think you will be amazed, to find that they are practically all measures of considerable value, calculated to relieve a great deal of unemployment—

Are we going to finish up or not?

Just one moment. I have copies of those rejected items. Would you care to look at the schedule?

Thanks, I’m sufficiently familiar with them.

Now, my point is simply this: these appear to me to be reasonable and justifiable proposals, quite as applicable to the present state of the country as any now incorporated. In consequence I am reversing my previous stand in the committee on this subject, and hereby move that this list, which I now offer, be added to H.R. 2007 in due form.

[He hands up a sheaf of papers.

Yeah?

What’s that?

You’re asking that all that junk go back in the bill?

I am.

I had enough grief getting it out and I have no intention of going through it again. The bill’s in shape, and it’s going to the house tomorrow just as it is.

[He turns.

I’m making it as a motion, Mr. Chairman.

Who put you up to this?

I’m acting on my own initiative. The plan originated with me.

You’re welcome to it.

I shall be much obliged if someone will second my motion—

I’m entertaining no such nonsense—as a motion or anything else—

What have you got here—everything that’s been cut out of the bill?

Absolutely everything, I think.

[He goes about the room distributing copies.

Let’s see it.

But what’s the idea?

To put everything in that’s been asked for.

Everything?

Why not? I find nothing unworthy of inclusion, and the decision rests with the majority.

Christ! That’s Napoleonic!

You know, I’d be almost inclined to second that motion.

I haven’t recognized any motion.

Is the veterans’ administration in here?

My God, this one’s got everything.

How about the uniforms for postal employees?

The appropriation for the nursing bureau—has it been included in this version?

God yes! All the infant industries are in it—including bastardy! I tell you it’s all here, boys! If anything was ever complete, this is.

Have you had enough of this tom-foolery?

What’s the total, Mr. McClean?

Including everything, four hundred and seventy-five millions.

That’s impossible. It’s a lovely dream, but it’s not for us.

It’s not impossible! I give you my word, gentlemen, that if you pass the motion Mr. Gray will do everything in his power to see that the bill is made law. He’s pledged himself to get this dam completed.

Are you making promises for me, now?

What do you mean, McClean? You give your word?

Can’t you see what he’s trying to do? He’s trying to hang enough junk on this thing to sink it!

Pardon me, Mr. Gray—I’m merely trying to follow your lead—when you included the navy and the steel company—

Oh, you feathered serpent! That’s what you were doing!

Are you setting up as an expert now?

I hardly think, Mr. Gray, that you were functioning as an expert when you allowed those two items to be included.

Oh, you don’t?

No, sir.

Perhaps you consider this maniacal proposal of yours a constructive solution?

I am not trying to be constructive, Mr. Chairman—merely logical.

Wait a minute! You call a four hundred and seventy-five million dollar bill for a forty million dollar appropriation logical?

Not at all. I only say that if it is logical to include Mr. Wister’s rehabilitated battleships on this bill, it is just as logical to include your veterans’ administration.

Well, that sounds reasonable.

Boys—he’s slipping something over on you!

We’ve had plenty slipped over on us! The Atlantic Fleet for one thing!

We’re not including what we like here—we’re including what we have to for the vote—and that’s all!

Well, suppose you had to include something useful—just had to? Certainly draining those Iowa swamps is at least a thousand times more sensible than appropriating good money to drag that fleet over to Sol’s front yard—I leave it to the conference!

There’s a tremendous difference in the amounts.

Exactly eight thousand five hundred dollars—to be precise.

And that’s important information too.

My God, is that all?

Well, surely there’s considerable difference between fifteen thousand dollars appropriated to provide nurses for the poor—and fifteen million to repair two battleships!

If you imbeciles don’t recognize this thing as the most obvious damned trick in the world—Christ! I’d have drawn up the bill myself without bothering—

It looks like you did anyway. What I still want to know is—

Ask it later! Are we going to settle this bill or not? It’s got to go to the House tomorrow and McClean comes in here with a Civil War grandstand play and sets you by the ears!

I assure you that was not my intention, Mr. Chairman.

Will someone please make a motion to put this bill to a vote so we can get out of here?

I move that the bill is unanimously accepted—with all items, clauses and appropriations which I have included—

I don’t know whether you’re insane or you’ve been put up to it. Will someone move to put this bill to a vote?

I so move.

I second the motion.

Now, wait a minute, Simeon! Don’t pull a fast one on us. I still want to get to the bottom of how and why Sol got his fleet.

Yeah! And I still want to know why Eddie was allowed to push his steel company in after the deadline! What about that?

The President agreed—at the urging of the Committee of 48 on National Defense—

My God, is the cuttlefish super-chairman of this committee too?

He was certainly going to swing the whole Middle West against us if we didn’t do something for the Committee of 48!

Says you! I second Mr. McClean’s motion!

For God’s sake, Wingie!

There’s a motion before the committee, unless I’m wrong.

I hardly see why the rest of us should be put aside to accommodate Mr. Wister and Mr. Fitzmaurice. If the Chairman found it necessary to trade for votes there are others on the committee who might have had votes to offer!

Angels! Jacob of Old! You double-crossing little—

Certainly. Why didn’t you let us in on it, and give us a chance?

Doesn’t the President consider uncared for babies an item in national defense?

[She snorts.

Why don’t you address all these questions to Mr. McClean?

Mr. Chairman—

Are you trying to filibuster the whole damn day away! Now I ask you again to bring it to a vote.

All right! Let McClean talk!

What did Sol have up his sleeve, Mr. McClean?

Since, as Mr. Gray reminds us, there is already a question before the committee, I call for that question. Let us first vote on the bill without the additions—

And that’s an idea, too. Question.

If you are under the impression that we can make decisions of this character in any off-hand and childish spirit—

We know all that—and you’ve been asking for a vote! Well, put it!

Sure, question!

Question!

Very well. Those in favor of sending 2007 to the House as it stands—

Aye.

Opposed.

No.

I guess that’s fairly obvious.

And now, having reached what is probably a new low for all time in common-sense, I suggest that we adjourn till tomorrow.

I move we adjourn.

I made a motion a little while ago which was not recognized, Mr. Chairman—a motion for the inclusion of the items in this copy of the bill. I wish to offer that motion again.

And I wish to second it!

Not today.

Yes, today!

You can’t adjourn the meeting!

Personally, I’d like to vote on McClean’s motion, and before I do I’d like to hear McClean’s reason why Sol and Eddie can get away with murder.

So would I. And we’re not leaving till we find out. I want to hear the rest of the story. (To alan.) Go ahead and talk.

I don’t see that any explanations are needed. Ask for what you want, and you’ll get it, that’s all.

If Mr. McClean will pardon me, I’ll do a little talking myself about his inspired suggestion. It’s obvious that he has nothing in mind except to make this bill look like a raid on the treasury. You all know my position in such matters. I am the one man among you who has given his time to government finances over a period of years. I’ve carried the work and made the decisions because I know what can and what cannot be done. Now McClean has come in here with the deliberate intention of stampeding you into a log-rolling vote that will look like an organized steal, and he thinks he can get away with it—and he thinks I don’t dare say anything because he’s discovered that I have stock in a bank at Culver, and Culver is affected by one of the allotments in this bill. That’s his whole case. If that gives him status as an expert and puts him in control here, why pass his resolution. If you still trust my judgment or think my word’s any good, you’ll send the measure to the House as it stands.

[A pause.

How much stock do you hold in the Culver bank, Mr. Chairman?

A third interest. Anything else?

No. Not from this side—

[A pause.

Now, I should like to call for another vote on the bill as it stands.

Does that mean including Sol and Eddie?

It does.

They get what they’re asking for?

They do.

Then I don’t see why we shouldn’t.

Nor I. How come, Simeon?

Those items have been accepted—

How much more will the bill stand?

It won’t stand a nickle.

In other words—just because a couple of guys got in under the wire with this information—they’re the white-headed boys.

The bill is carrying every possible cent it can. What’s more, it’ll absolutely be vetoed if you add anything to it—anything.

I don’t quite believe that. As a matter of fact, boys, I don’t believe that at all. It won’t be vetoed.

All right, hang yourselves.

We’ve been rooked by an inside gang—that’s what’s happened.

And now they’re trying to tell us the House won’t pass it and the Old Man’ll veto it if we ask for what they got.

Why, this bill’s all set to pass, and the President’s all set to sign it.

I seconded a motion here a minute ago!

What’s that steel business but highway robbery?

That’s all! I call for the question.

Question!

And what happens? Nothing—except the bill carries more than expected. Sure—Question!

Dell?

There’s nothing in here I could object to, Simeon.

Very well. All in favor of including the items in Mr. McClean’s list will signify by saying aye.

Aye.

The motion is carried. Adjourned.

[There is silence, the members begin to stir.

I’m afraid we’ve done a most appalling thing. Shouldn’t we reconsider?

We should not.

[sol rises.

It’s all right, Sol. You’re getting yours too.

Nobody’s getting anything if you ask me! Imagine me trusting a missionary! And at my age! Angels!

[sol and eddie go out.

Listen, Sneden—keep this away from the reporters tonight. Keep it dark till it’s read.

Yeah! That’s a thought, too.

I’m sure we’ve done a most appalling thing.

[They go out. alan, marjorie and gray are alone. alan goes toward the door.

Just a moment, Mr. McClean. You’ve beaten me here this afternoon, and made a good job of it. No doubt it looks to you as if no man with a remnant of honesty would have the face to present the thing to the House.

Yes, that is the way I feel, Mr. Gray.

That is one way of looking at it, McClean. But you once told us about a little town where the people had no money to buy. I want to tell you about another town. I grew up in Culver and I know the people there—the storekeepers and the professional men and the people in the street. I know them by their[Pg 135] first names—and I know what they’ve been through. They’ve lost nearly everything they had. Business is gone and two banks have failed. The third one’s mine, and people think it’s sound, and what money is left is in it. But the bank isn’t sound; and if the bill’s defeated and the penitentiary doesn’t go to Culver, the bank will fail, and a lot of people will lose their life savings and their jobs.

But, Mr. Gray, isn’t it a little unfair to support Culver by taxing other places which are just as badly off?

Yes, it is unfair! But I’m here to represent a certain district, McClean, and they need what I can do for them as they’ve never needed it before. I don’t hold what you’ve done against you, but I am going to fight you. I’m going to fight you every inch of the way. You’ve made it damn difficult! You’ve dumped 275 extra millions on the bill, and you expect that to kill it in the House. But I don’t intend to let that kill it. This fight hasn’t even begun. I’m not asking you to call off your dogs, and I’m not apologizing. I’m going to use every weapon I can lay my hands on, and I won’t be very squeamish where or how I find them.

You don’t leave me much choice, do you?

And you leave me no choice!

That’s going to make it very interesting!

[He goes out.

Dad, what is it?

Nothing!

If you’d wanted to make him believe the worst possible about you—What does it mean? Why do you want that bill to pass as much as all that?

It’s nothing that concerns you, Marjorie.

It does concern me. If I didn’t believe in you right now, more than anything in the world, I’d be with Alan against you.

Perhaps you should be!

It isn’t fair to tell me just that much! I want an answer! You must give me an answer!

The third national bank of Culver is not merely in difficulties, Marjorie. It has borrowed twice on federal securities. In its vaults are three packages of bonds which, if examined, would prove to be blank [Pg 137]paper. If the bank fails those securities will be examined at once. I am chairman of the board. I was away when it was done, but I’ve known of it for some time! To put it baldly, I’m guilty. So you see, if I don’t get my penitentiary one way, I’ll get it another! Does that answer your question?

Do you mean to tell me you spent three hours with that Rhode Island bunch and couldn’t even get a rise out of them?

They said they’d vote for it if it looked like it was going through—

Well, good God, what good’s that going to do?

I haven’t had any sleep for two nights, Wingie!

You go back there and tell them it is going through and quit boasting about the late hours you keep! Nobody’s had any sleep as far as I know. Did you tell ’em about that federal base at Newport?

I did. They’re scared of it.

Scared of federal money? Don’t make me laugh.

The President’s bringing pressure, Wingie.

What kind of pressure?

Patronage pressure.

So that’s it. That’s why we keep losing votes as fast as we bring ’em in.

Sure it is. He wants it sent back to the committee and scaled down.

And that’s what’s going to happen.

It is not. We’ve had twenty thousand telegrams favoring this bill the last two days!

Yeah, but listen to this. Editorial in the Washington Tribune: “The plunderbund at the Capitol is over-reaching itself. One more big grab—”

That’s an administration organ, that sheet. Plays any tune the President sets for it!

You won’t find many papers don’t say the same thing, no matter what their politics are.

Are you going haywire on us?

I don’t want to be spanked in public, Wingie. I’d rather take my licking in the solitude of my own boudoir.

You sure Dizzie’s meeting us here?

That’s what he said.

Who’s been working on that Massachusetts crowd?

Farnum. They’re all right! They’ll be for it on account of the new lighthouse and harbor work.

That puts us four votes ahead.

And then add in Illinois and it puts us four votes behind.

That’s right.

All I know is if this bill don’t pass, I don’t come back here no more, and I haven’t even got enough left to buy me a hunting and fishing license.

What would a poacher like you want with a hunting and fishing license?

[The telephone rings.

Damn it, they’ll be calling the roll within an hour and we don’t know anything—we don’t even know how we’re going to vote.

Yeah. Well, why not? Eddie’s supposed to handle Delaware, isn’t he? I don’t know what more they could ask for. All right, Dave.

[He hangs up. marjorie enters from the office.

Where’s Sol?

Downstairs, Marjorie. The manufacturing states are holding a conference, and he’s down there with Farnum and Eddie.

Dad just got a call from the Speaker. He says he can’t keep the debate going more than half an hour longer. He’ll have to let it come to a vote.

[She goes out.

Anything we want to do we better do right now.

[levering enters.

Hello, boys.

There he is.

Dizzy, for God’s sake come in here and give us a line on what’s going to happen. These babes in the wood think we’re going to have to oppose our own bill.

[mark opens the hall door and brings in a large sack of telegrams.

They may be right.

But why? Every organization in the country wants it.

More telegrams, gentlemen.

[He goes out.

Look at what Mark’s just brought in. And look at those telegrams. Open any one of them! The country’s screaming its head off for the thing!

Not the country. Don’t confuse the country with the people that still have money left to send telegrams. They represent a very small fraction of the country.

He’s right.

Everybody stands to benefit! Every state in the Union!

[ebner enters from the hall.

McClean isn’t around here, is he?

No, haven’t seen McClean.

Sorry, just looking for him.

Listen, Joe, while you’re here will you tell me one thing?

Sure!

What’s got into this little Jesus McClean that makes you guys stick to him?

He certainly put it over on you, Wingie.

Well, what are you radicals fighting us for? You’ve got clauses in that bill!

You’re just cutting your own throats voting against it.

We don’t want those clauses. You’re in a hole, you boys, and McClean put you there, and we’re going to keep you there. Personally I think you never will get out of it—and I think we’ll blow this government higher than a kite before you know what’s happened to you! I guess you never heard of a revolution, did you? Well, you’re going to hear of one. And you can write that on your list, or print it on the wall, or put it up in lights over the Capitol!

[He goes out.

Gone Bolshevik, have they? Well, they won’t get far with that.

He’s been reading the life of Trotzky in two volumes.

They’ve got an organization now, boys. They think this McClean’s a new Bob LaFollette.

Unless we can make sure of a decisive majority for the bill, we’ll all have to throw our weight against it. If we offend the country once more—

Now don’t say that, Dizzy. Don’t say that.

It’s out of my hands!

(sol enters. marjorie comes in from the office.)

Dizzy, I’ve been out gathering recruits to stand at my right hand and keep the bridge with me!

What’s the news, Sol?

How do we rate, Sol?

Oh, Sol, what was that Rhode Island business?

Let’s have it, Sol. How did you come out?

Sol, what happened?

Well, Clover, the situation called for a good deal of oratory!

[farnum and eddie enter.

Oratory! What do you say to Pennsylvania!

What do you mean? Did they come over?

What do you say to Indiana and Illinois?

What do you say to that vast and glorious Empire State—New York to you!

Cut the comedy!

They came over!

Sol brought ’em over!

We’ve got a majority?

A majority? We’ve got the damnedest, sweetest, most beautiful majority I ever saw delivered in one package!

[marjorie runs out.

The whole blatting conference voted to go for it solid!

The rosy-fingered dawn appears!

That’s Sol’s work?

Sol’s work!

And beautiful!

What did you do to ’em, Sol?

I talked to ’em. Where are appropriations supposed to originate in the government of the United States? In the House of Representatives. Then by what right does the President try to dictate how much we can appropriate, or where, or how? That’s all.

What did you do? Give ’em your word of honor?

Honor? Pennsylvania gets twenty-one millions. Illinois gets those Lake Michigan docks—

How can you promise docks on Lake Michigan?

Yeah, who gave you authority to do that?

It’s in the bill!

Sure. Don’t you remember?

No, I do not. And I’ll never believe it.

This is an extraordinary bill! It will keep a million people out of bread lines!

If it isn’t vetoed.

[gray and marjorie enter from the office.

Well, I hear we’ve got a majority!

We certainly have!

What’s the news from the White House, Sime?

Well, no news is good news, I suppose. So far he hasn’t said a word. Collier promised to let me know if there was any decision.

[The buzzer sounds twice.

There goes the buzzer. Half an hour, Disraeli! How do we vote?

My God, is there any question any more? To hell with the country. We’re climbing on the bandwagon!

Come on, Dizzy, don’t hold up the procession.

How about it?

How much of a majority have we got?

Fifty-five or sixty to the good!

We’re breaking with the President, Sime!

With that majority it’s an act of God. He can’t blame us for going along.

O.K., boys, we’re voting “Aye.”

Right.

[There is a general sigh of relief. The crowd goes out through the hall door. sol, marjorie and gray are left alone.

Well, Sime, we’re riding high.

Sol, you’re a genius!

I had to be!

[The telephone rings.

You deserve your fleet—can I get you the Army for next summer?

Certainly, and you can throw in the Marines!

Hello! What? Oh, just a minute. It’s for you, Dad.

Oh!

[He goes to the phone.

A wee nip, Clover? Just to celebrate?

Why not?

Hello!—Hello, Collier! What?—What!—You heard him say that? (sol and marjorie stop.) Then it’s definite—I see!—All right, thanks, Collier.—The President’s decided to veto the measure if it passes.

Where does that leave us, Sol?

[sol sits down to figure.

About twelve votes shy of a two-thirds majority.

We’ve got to get them, Sol. We’ve got to!

There’s never quite enough time, is there?

If I had an hour more, I might be able to fetch in those Californians.

But there is less than half an hour, Sol.

It can’t go this way. Sol, you know what this means—it just can’t happen.

Maybe there’s no way out of it.

There must be—it takes so little to make them go one way or another.

It’s so close right now, that if Alan was to forget his principles, we’d have our two-thirds and could beat the veto.

Then something can still be done!

That’s what I was thinking. Sime, are you going to mind if I put the case to him?

I wouldn’t do it, Sol—I’d rather nobody did it. I have some messages to send off.

Have it your own way, Sime. I think it’s worth trying.

Well, I don’t. Nobody could deliver fifteen men in the time that’s left. And that being the case, I’d rather you didn’t mention the subject. I don’t particularly like the idea of people feeling sorry for me.

I get you.

[gray goes into the office.

How many votes are there in that group of Alan’s?

About twenty under his wing—more than enough.

Then I am going down to his office and get him. But Sol, you will have to talk to him—this is something I can’t ask him, but you can.

I’m going to.

I wish it were anybody else.

I’m glad it isn’t anybody else.

[mark enters with a cup of coffee, sugar, paper napkins and crackers.

Oh! Excuse me!

I’ll be right back.

[She goes out.

I brought your coffee, sir.

Leave it there, Mark.

And Mr. Fitzmaurice?

Yes.

Do you know anything about this here money bill the papers is talking about? Taking all that money out of the Treasury?

I’ve heard about it, Mark.

Well, I was hoping you would be against that bill.

Why, boy?

Because this government’s costing a sight too much. A sight!

I’d hate to see you go, Mark. But if you can stand it—

Me!

Don’t you know the service in this building will be cut in half if the deficiency bill don’t pass?

No, sir! I didn’t know that. I certainly didn’t. Maybe I spoke out of turn, Mr. Fitzmaurice!

Now it’s high-minded of you to consider the good of the country.

I ain’t really high-minded, Mr. Fitzmaurice. I ain’t high-minded at all. No—I was just swayed by reading matter.

You aren’t really against it?

On the whole, I ain’t really against it at all. I’m really for it on the whole. I want to drop the whole matter, Mr. Fitzmaurice.

[bus enters from the office.

Fine—we’ll drop it. ’Evening, Bussy!

’Evening, Sol. How’s the opposition tonight?

Well, Bussy—We view our prospects with a certain amount of optimism. I think we can safely say that.

Sounds like a brokerage firm with its back to the wall. How’s Atlantic Fleet common?

You’re dancing on the grave of an old man, Bussy.

You do look a bit low.

What!

It’s true—we’re too far ahead to catch now.

That’s a jolt! I might as well admit that jolts me pretty hard—if true!

How’s the middle western bloc?

Oh, that’s holding together in great shape. You weren’t thinking of going after our farmers, Sol?

We’re going to be too many for you on the vote, Bussy. So why hold out? Why not fall in line and get some of the credit?

Baby! Do you know what I think?

No.

By your tone of voice I think you’re expecting a veto!

Serpent of Eden—I am!

And we can still hold you up?

That’s the situation.

Then of course we will!

[alan enters with marjorie.

Hello, Sol!

Alan, there’s news! The President’s going to veto the bill and that’s our winning card!

Great, Bus! Marjorie said you wanted to see me, Sol.

Alan, we’re going over there to vote in about five minutes and I want you to do something for me.

What is it?

I want you to release that middle western bloc of yours.

Give me reasons, Sol—give me reasons!

Now what makes you think you’ll get any help from us?

From Alan!

You have an eminent nerve! We may be just beginners, Sol; we may be putty in your hands, but we know better than that.

Alan, you’re going to wish you had. Sometime you are going to wish as you’ve never wished anything before.

Threats?

No, not threats. But you’ve got some people in a jam, Alan, and I can’t get them out of it. Houdini couldn’t get them out of it, but with your influence I think maybe you could.

Who?

Simeon.

I’m sorry, Sol, but I don’t see why you come to me about this.

I only want to say one thing—you won’t reform anything by defeating this one bill. Parties may come and parties may go—administrations come in and go out, but the graft varies only in amount, not in kind. Now you can defeat this one appropriation bill, just for your own noble satisfaction, but you won’t reform anything, and it might be more to the point to be human—this once. I had a share in it, Alan, I helped you wreck him. Neither one of us knew what we were doing, but by God, we ought to do what we can to take it back.

Just what do you mean by wreck, Sol?

I mean something you won’t rest easy knowing, Alan. I mean a term in jail.

What?

I mean just what I said.

[ebner enters from the hall.

Oh, good evening. We’re all waiting for you downstairs, McClean. Thought we’d go over in a body.

Just a minute, Joe!

And before we go down—one or two of the boys are wavering a bit. It’s hard for some people to turn down patronage when it’s offered on a platter. So it might be a good idea to stick close to them. I’ll do what I can, and I’ll expect you to back me up.

Run along, Joe, Alan will catch you downstairs.

We’ll go down in history! This is the day the Old Guard meets its Waterloo!

Give me three minutes, will you, Joe?

Say, you aren’t letting yourself be talked to?

No. I’ll be with you in a minute—but for God’s sake, get out now! Marjorie, is it true?

[ebner goes out.

Yes. I don’t know whether you will ever forgive me or not, Alan. I’m going back on everything I believed, but things look different when there is a prison staring someone in the face. I don’t care any more whether it’s honest or not. I don’t want him to go through with it.

But what has your father done?

I’ve loved him and almost worshipped him—because he was honest and just, and they couldn’t corrupt him—somebody had to be honest in this place, or you couldn’t breathe the air—and he isn’t really guilty even now.

Guilty of what, Marjorie?

Something at the bank, Alan. Some misuse of funds that he wasn’t concerned in at all. Only it falls on him.

[The buzzer sounds twice.

I’m afraid it’s impossible—even if there were time.

There must be two or three key men, Alan, who could bring the others around if you worked with them.

Worked with them? Go to those farmers and ask them to vote for the bill, after what I’ve done to it?

We’ve wasted a week’s work, Alan. You’d better turn those votes loose.

We’re counting on you!

[The buzzer sounds three times.

Counting on me! Why, I couldn’t find words to say it to them. I’m sorry, Marjorie, but I can’t think of any one person now. I’m not fighting you or your father. I’m fighting this machine!

But think what it means to him!

I hope you’re wrong about it and the blame doesn’t fall on him, but even if it does, I can’t stop now. If I were wiser, I might know how to compromise. I may[Pg 165] be sending an innocent man to prison and I wish to Christ I knew how to avoid it, but I don’t!

[The buzzer sounds four times.

Alan! Alan!

Don’t ask it of me and don’t tell me what I’ve lost! I know what I’ve lost from all of you. And it’s not my choice to lose it—but I’m in a fight that’s got to be won—and you’re asking for something I’ve no right to give!

Who said “Pht the army”? Who said that?

Good old Peebles! Peebles is in the R.O.T.C. A lieutenant, by God!

Do you realize you’re talking to a son of the American Revolution?

A son of what?

I’m not a drinking man—but I’m drinking.

Shut up, will you? I want to know what Peebles is a son of?

Well, boys—who won?

We did!

Who lost?

Nobody!

Have you all got your bribes? Everybody satisfied? Hold up your hands, them that didn’t get their bribes!

Bribes! Bribes! Sir, I don’t care for your choice of words.

Yes, suh! We both resent that, suh! As professional Southerners, we resent that! You’ll take that back, suh, and you’ll couch it in less invidious terms, suh!

How’s times, boys? Everybody prosperous? Everybody flying high?

Oh yes, suh, massah! Everybody prosperous.

Corn in the crib and sorghum in the barrel?

Oh yes suh, massah! Corn in de crib and sorghum in de barrel!

And how-all’s Miss Meadows and the gals? Sitting pretty on the front porch, I take oath. Eating pork?

Um-um, massah!

And riding horses, plenty of riding horses for a gentleman?

Massah, did you-all say riding horses?

[bus enters from the office.

Have you all gone crazy? What happened?

They passed the bill!

One at a time—what?

They passed the bill!

Well, what of it? It’s going to be vetoed, anyway.

Good God, it passed with a two-thirds majority—and it can’t be vetoed!

[marjorie enters from the office.

Alan released those votes!

He didn’t! His farmers stuck together. But they weren’t enough—not near enough!

How much of a majority was there?

It was a landslide! Maybe fifteen or twenty stood out against it!

Then—it’s certain.

Certain! The whole House went crazy!

It looked like the Klondike gold rush!

Has Dad come back yet?

[She goes into the office.

It was Alan who did it, Bus, and we’re giving him credit for it!

He’ll like that a lot.

[alan enters from the hall.

Alan, my boy, I’ve been appointed by this delegation to tender you a little message. Tonight you feast at our expense with sparkling burgundy and venison pie.

No thanks, Sol. Is Marjorie in the office, Bus?

Yes, Alan.

Boy, it was a stunning job!

It’s a system!

You give everybody what he wants, including the opposition, and lo! there ain’t no opposition.

It can be applied to all appropriation bills!

Yes, and I’m willing to bet it will be!

I know I lost, Sol. You don’t need to tell me.

Don’t you feel bad about this, Mr. McClean.

We made more mistakes than you did. We only won by accident!

[miss mcmurtry enters.

Why, you damn near beat us at our own game.

[The crowd greets mcmurtry.

Mr. McClean, I want to thank you from my heart for the poor and the stricken who will turn to the bureau for relief!

You aren’t going to spurn us, are you, Bess?

Well, I don’t as a rule—but on this occasion—

[She takes a drink. levering enters.

Alan, my boy—many a man in Congress promises more than he performs; but few indeed perform more than they promise. You’re one of the few!

You know I put those things in the bill to kill it!

But it didn’t kill it. That’s what put it through!

And you were careful to stick in your own extra million, weren’t you?

I had a personal reason for doing that!

Well, so did we all! We all had personal reasons! Sol had his navy! Farnum had his national park! And I had—I won’t say what I had, but it was damn good and personal!

We want you to come in and work with us, McClean.

I’m afraid you’re under a misapprehension. I’m not the kind of person to trust on the inside.

Oh, give us a whirl, brother. You can’t buck the game single-handed. Are we going to celebrate?

Sit in with us a couple of months! You’ll be the right kind of person!

You really have no choice now, McClean. You’re one of us, or you have no friends in Congress.

You want me in with you because I know too much and you’re afraid I may tell what I know. Well, I’m not accepting the invitation.

Does that mean you’re thinking of letting newspaper correspondents in on confidential matters that took place in secret session?

I don’t know.

That means he is.

Don’t be a sorehead. We’re quite willing to listen to suggestions. What do you think we ought to do?

I think we all ought to get up and go home.

Go home!

We’ve cost the country about four hundred millions today, and the least we can do is clear out of here before we cost them any more.

You’re suggesting that we all resign?

I am.

Boys, am I losing my mind?

I never heard such talk!

Oh, I’ve had enough!

I’m not much of a home boy myself!

[marjorie and gray enter from the office.

How long do you think a governing body can go on when it’s made itself a laughing stock, the length and breadth of the country, the way this one has?

Why, you simple-minded cub, that’s treason!

How can one speak treason about this government or Congress? It’s one vast, continuous, nation-wide disaster!

Just another red, boys!

A bull-fighter!

He’s following Ebner’s trail!

And I’m not a red! I don’t like communism or fascism or any other political patent medicine! If I did, I’d say what Ebner says—go right ahead the way you’re going. You’re doing all you can to bring it on!

There’s never been a better government on the face of the earth! Our forefathers fought and died to give us the government we have today!

And look at it now!

What he means is, he don’t like us much.

You may not believe me, but I respect what you’re trying to do—I respect it profoundly. Tell me what you would like to see here, Alan. If you know of anything better, I wouldn’t mind working toward it myself. I don’t care for this system any more than you do.

Is honesty possible here at all?

I’d say that honesty was so rare as to be almost unknown in any government, and impossible under our system.

Now what the hell is our system?

Our system is every man for himself—and the nation be damned!

And it works! It works when you give it a chance. Do you want me to point you the road to prosperity? Loot the treasury, loot the national resources, hang fortunes on the Wall Street Christmas tree! Graft, gigantic graft brought us our prosperity in the past and will lift us out of the present depths of parsimony and despair!

You’re pushing it a little far, Sol!

I’m understating it! Brigands built up this nation from the beginning, brigands of a gigantic Silurian breed that don’t grow in a piddling age like ours! They stole billions and gutted whole states and empires, but they dug our oil-wells, built our railroads, built up everything we’ve got, and invented prosperity as they went along! Let ’em go back to work! We can’t have an honest government, so let ’em steal plenty and get us started again. Let the behemoths plunder so the rest of us can eat!

Oh, turn it off, Sol!

That don’t sound so good!

Allowing for Sol’s usual exaggeration—it is true!

Then aren’t you against it?

I am.

And isn’t it time to say that it can’t go on?

Can’t go on?

Who’s going to stop it?

Don Quixote!

Take it easy, boys. I heard Alan say once before that something couldn’t go on, and the hell he raised gave you all heart-failure. If you’ve got anything on your mind, Alan, give us fair warning.

More people are open-minded nowadays than you’d believe. A lot of them aren’t so sure we found the[Pg 178] final answer a hundred and fifty years ago. Who knows what’s the best kind of government? Maybe they all get rotten after a while and have to be replaced. It doesn’t matter about you or me. We had a little set-to here over a minor matter, and you’ve won, but I want to tell you I’m not even a premonition of what you’re going to hear crashing around you if the voters who elect you ever find out what you’re like and what you do to them. The best I can do is just to help them find it out.

Let him shoot his mouth off. He’ll start talking wild and the papers won’t give him three lines.

That’s true too, Alan. Nobody’ll believe you. What happens here is incredible, absolutely incredible.

I’m not the person to give you a warning. I’m not a politician. I’m a Nevada school-teacher. I don’t know your tricks—you showed me that tonight, and I won’t forget it. But I didn’t lose because I was wrong. I lost because I tried to beat you at your own game—and you can always win at that. You think you’re good and secure in this charlatan’s sanctuary you’ve built for yourselves. You think the sacred and senseless legend poured into the people of this country from childhood will protect you. It won’t. It takes about a hundred years to tire this country of trickery—and we’re fifty years overdue right now. That’s my warning. And I’d feel pretty damn pitiful and lonely saying it to you, if I didn’t believe there are[Pg 179] a hundred million people who are with me, a hundred million people who are disgusted enough to turn from you to something else. Anything else but this.

[He turns and goes out.

And good luck to him!

[He goes into his office. marjorie goes out after alan.

Think the papers’ll give him a break, Sol?

They’ll give him a break! On every front page in the country!

They’ll have to—if he hands them that line.

May be a little nasty for some of us.

It’ll blow over, it’ll blow over. As a matter of fact, the natural resources of this country in political apathy and indifference have hardly been touched. They’re just learning how to pay taxes. In a few more years you’ll really give ’em taxes to pay.

You think so?

I know it. On the other hand, he’s right about you. I always told you boys you were a bunch of crooks, and you are. The whole blistering blasphemous batch of you! And some day they’re going to catch up with you.

Well, how about yourself, you two-faced swindler?

I’m too old, Wingie. They won’t get me. No—I don’t hardly expect it in my time.

[He pours himself a drink.

Maybe.