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Title: The Basset-Table
Date of first publication: 1761
Author: Susanna Centlivre (1667 - 1723)
Date first posted: Dec. 19, 2014
Date last updated: Dec. 19, 2014
Faded Page eBook #20141242

This eBook was produced by: Delphine Lettau
& the online Distributed Proofreaders Canada team at http://www.pgdpcanada.net




THE BASSET-TABLE.

A COMEDY.




Drawn from

  THE
  WORKS
  OF THE CELEBRATED
  Mrs. CENTLIVRE.

  IN THREE VOLUMES

  VOLUME THE FIRST


  LONDON:
  M.DCC.LXI.




Dramatis Personæ.


MEN.

  _Lord_ Worthy, _in Love with Lady_ Reveller,  } _Mr._ Mills.
  _a Hater of Gaming_,                          }

  _Sir_ James Courtly, _an airy Gentleman,_     } _Mr._ Wilks.
  _given to Gaming_,                            }

  Lovely, _an Ensign, in Love with_ Valeria,      _Mr._ Bickerstaff.

  _Sir_ Richard Plainman, _formerly a Citizen,_ } _Mr._ Bullock.
  _but now lives in Covent-Garden,_             }
  _a great Lover of a Soldier,_                 }
  _and an inveterate Enemy to the_ French,      }

  _Captain_ Hearty, _a Sea Officer, design'd_   } _Mr._ Estcourt.
  _by Sir_ Richard, _to marry_ Valeria,         }

  Sago, _a Drugster in the City, very fond_     } _Mr._ Johnson.
  _of his Wife_,                                }

  Buckle, _footman to Lord_ Worthy,               _Mr._ Penkethman.


WOMEN.

  _Lady_ Reveller, _a Coquetish Widow_,         } _Mrs._ Oldfield.
  _that keeps a_ Basset-Table,                  }

  _Lady_ Lucy, _her Cousin, a religious sober_  } _Mrs._ Rogers.
  _Lady_,                                       }

  Valeria, _a philosophical Girl, Daughter_     } _Mrs._ Montford.
  _to Sir_ Richard, _in Love with_ Lovely,      }

  _Mrs._ Sago, _the Drugster's Wife, a_         } _Mrs._ Cross.
  _gaming profuse Woman, great with_            }
  _my Lady_ Reveller, _in Love with Sir_        }
  James,            }

  Alpiew, _Woman to Lady_ Reveller,               _Mrs._ Lucas.

      _Ladies, and Gentlemen, for the_ Basset-Table.

      _Chairmen_, _Footmen_, &c.


SCENE, _Lady_ Reveller's _Lodgings, in_ Covent-Garden; _the Time, Four
o'Clock in the Morning_.




THE BASSET-TABLE.




THE PROLOGUE.

Spoken by Mr. PENKETHMAN.


  _In all the Faces that to Plays resort,_
  _Whether of Country, City, Mob, or Court,_
  _I've always found that none such Hopes inspire,_
  _As you--dear Brethren of the Upper Tire._
  _Poets, in Prologues, may both preach and rail,_         }
  _Yet all their Wisdom nothing will avail;_               }
  _Who writes not up to you 'tis Ten to One will fail._    }
  _Your thundering Plaudit is that deals out Fame;_
  _You make Plays run, tho' of themselves but Lame:_
  _How often have we known your Noise commanding,_
  _Impose on your inferior Masters Understanding;_
  _Therefore, dear Brethren, (since I am one of you)_
  _Whether adorn'd in Grey, Green, Brown, or Blue,_
  _This Day stand all by me, as I will fall by you._
  _And now to let----_
  _The poor Pit see how_ Pinky'_s Voice commands,_
  _Silence--Now rattle all your Sticks, and clap your grimy Hands._
  _I greet your Love--and let the vainest Author shew,_             }
  _Half this Command on cleaner Hands below,_                       }
  _Nay, more to prove your Interest, let this Play live by you._    }
  _So may you share good Claret with your Masters,_
  _Still free in your Amours from their Disasters;_
  _Free from poor Housekeeping; where Peck is under Locks,_
  _Free from Cold Kitchens, and no_ Christmas-Box:
  _So may no long Debates i' th' House of Commons,_
  _Make you in the Lobby starve, when Hunger summons;_
  _But may your plenteous Vails come flowing in,_
  _Give you a lucky Hit, and make you Gentlemen;_
  _And thus preferr'd, ne'er fear the World's Reproaches,_
  _But shake your Elbows with my Lord, and keep your Coaches._




ACT I.


SCENE, _A large Hall, a Porter with a Staff, several Chairs waiting, and
Footmen asleep, with Torches and Flambeaux standing about the Room._

_Footman._ Certainly they'll play all Night, this is a cursed Life.

_Port._ How long have you liv'd with your Lady?

_Footm._ A Month; too long by thirty Days, if this be her Way of Living,
I shall be dead before the Year's out; she games all Night, and sleeps
all Day.

_Port._ Then you sleep too, what's the Matter?

_Footm._ I deny that; for while she sleeps I'm employ'd in Howd'ye's,
from one End of the Town to the other.

_Port._ But you rest while she's gaming; What would you do if you led my
Life? This is my Lady's constant Practice.

_Footm._ Your Lady keeps a _Basset-Table_, much good may do you with
your Service----Hark, they are broke up. [_Within._] Ha, hy, my Lady
_Gamewell_'s Chair ready there--Mr. _Sonica_'s Servant.

      [_The Footmen wake in a Hurry._

_1st Footm._ Where the Devil is my Flambeaux?

_2d Footm._ So-hey----_Robin_, get the Chair ready, my Lady's coming;
stay, stay, let me light my Flambeaux.

_3d Footm._ [_Yawning._] Hey, hoa, what han't they done play yet?

_Port._ They are now coming down, but your Lady is gone half an Hour
ago.

_3d Footm._ The Devil she is! Why did not you call me?

_Port._ I did not see you.

_3d Footm._ Was you blind--She has lost her Money, that's certain----She
never flinches upon a winning Hand----Her Plate and Jewels walk
To-morrow to replenish her Pocket--a Pox of Gaming, I say. [_Exit._

[_Within._] Mr. _Looseall_'s Man----

_4th Footm._ Here--So-ho, who has stole my Flambeaux?

[_Within._] My Lady _Umbray_'s Coach there--

_5th Footm._ Hey, _Will_, pull up there. [_Exeunt omnes._

      _Enter Lady_ Reveller _and_ Alpiew, _her Woman_.

_Lady._ My Lady _Raffle_ is horridly out of Humour at her ill Fortune,
she lost 300_l._

_Alp._ She has generally ill Luck, yet her Inclination for Play is as
strong as ever.----Did your Ladyship win or lose, Madam?

_Lady._ I won about 50 Pieces--Pr'ythee, what shall we do, _Alpiew_?
'Tis a fine Morning, 'tis pity to go to Bed.

_Alp._ What does your Ladyship think of a Walk in the Park?--The Park is
pleasant in a Morning, the Air is so very sweet.

_Lady._ I don't think so; the sweetness of the Park is at Eleven, when
the Beau-Monde make their Tour there; 'tis an unpolish'd Curiosity to
walk when only Birds can see one.

_Alp._ Bless me, Madam! Your Uncle--Now for a Sermon of two Hours.

      _Enter Sir_ Richard Plainman, _in a Night-Gown, as from Bed_.

Sir _Rich_. So, Niece! I find you're resolv'd to keep on your Course of
Life; I must be wak'd at four, with Coach, Coach, Chair, Chair; give
over, for Shame, and marry, marry, Niece.

_Lady._ Now would I forfeit the Heart of my next Admirer, to know the
Cause of this Reproach. [_Aside._] Pray, Uncle, explain yourself; for I
protest I can't guess what Crime I have unhappily committed to merit
this Advice.

Sir _Rich_. How can you look me in the Face and ask me that Question?
Can you that keep a _Basset-Table_, a public Gaming-House, be insensible
of the Shame on't? I have often told you how much the vast Concourse of
People, which Day and Night make my House their Rendezvous, incommode my
Health; your Apartment is a Parade for Men of all Ranks, from the Duke
to the Fidler; and your Vanity thinks they all pay Devoir to your
Beauty--but you mistake; every one has his several Ends in meeting here,
from the Lord to the Sharper, and each their separate Interests to
pursue--Some Fools there may be, for there's seldom a Crowd without.

_Lady._ Malice--some Fools? I can't bear it.

_Alp._ Nay, 'tis very affronting, truly, Madam.

_Lady._ Ay, is it not, _Alpiew_?--Yet, now I think on't, 'tis the Defect
of Age to rail at the Pleasures of Youth, therefore I shall not disorder
my Face with a Frown about it. Ha, ha, I hope, Uncle, you'll take
peculiar Care of my Cousin _Valeria_, in disposing of her according to
the Breeding you have given her.

Sir _Rich_. The Breeding I have given her! I would not have her have
your Breeding, Mistress, for all the Wealth of _England_'s Bank; no, I
bred my Girl in the Country, a Stranger to the Vices of this Town, and
am resolv'd to marry her to a Man of Honour, Probity, and Courage.

_Lady._ What, the Sea Captain, Uncle? Faugh, I hate the Smell of Pitch
and Tar; one that can entertain one with nothing but Fire and Smoke,
Larboard and Starboard, and t'other Bowl of Punch; ha, ha, ha.

_Alp._ And for every Fault that she commits, he'll condemn her to the
Bilboes; ha, ha.

_Lady._ I fancy my Cousin's Philosophy, and the Captain's courageous
Bluster, will make Angelic Harmony.

Sir _Rich_. Yes, Madam; sweeter Harmony than your _Sept & Leva_ Fops,
Rakes, and Gamesters; give me the Man that serves my Country, that
preserves both my Estate and Life--Oh, the glorious Name of Soldier; if
I were young, I'd go myself in Person, but as it is----

_Alp._ You'll send your Daughter----

Sir _Rich_. Yes, Minx, and a good Dowry with her, as a Reward for
Virtue, like the Captain's.

_Alp._ But suppose, Sir, Mrs. _Valeria_ should not like him?

Sir _Rich_. I'll suppose no such Thing, Mistress, she shall like him.

_Lady._ Why, there 'tis now; indeed, Uncle, you're too positive.

Sir _Rich_. And you too impertinent: Therefore I resolve you shall quit
my House; you shan't keep your Revels under the Roof where I am.

_Alp._ I'd have you to know, Sir, my Lady keeps no Revels beneath her
Quality.

Sir _Rich_. Hold your Tongue, Mrs. _Pert_, or I shall display your
Quality in its proper Colours.

_Alp._ I don't care, say your worst of me, and spare not; but for my
Lady----my Lady's a Widow, and Widows are accountable to none for their
Actions----Well, I shall have a Husband one of these Days, and be a
Widow too, I hope.

Sir _Rich_. Not unlikely, for the Man will hang himself the next Day, I
warrant him.

_Alp._ And if any Uncle pretends to controul my Actions----

Sir _Rich_. He'd lose his Labour, I'm certain----

_Alp._ I'd treat him----

Sir _Rich_. Don't provoke me, Hussy, don't.

_Lady._ Begone, and wait in the next Room. [_Exit_ Alpiew.

Sir _Rich_. The Insolence of a Servant is a great Honour to the Lady, no
doubt; but I shall find a Way to humble you both.

_Lady._ Lookye, Uncle, do what you can, I'm resolv'd to follow my own
Inclinations.

Sir _Rich_. Which infallibly carry you to Noise, Nonsense, Foppery, and
Ruin; but no matter, you shall go out of my Doors, I'll promise you; my
House shall no longer bear the scandalous Name of a _Basset-Table_:
Husbands shall no more have Cause to date their Ruin from my Door, nor
cry, There, there my Wife gam'd my Estate away--Nor Children curse my
Posterity, for their Parents knowing my House.

_Lady._ No more Threatening, good Uncle; act as you please, but don't
scold, or I shall be oblig'd to call _Alpiew_ again.

Sir _Rich_. Very well, very well, see what will come on't; the World
will censure those that game, and, in my Conscience, I believe not
without Cause.

  _For she whose Shame no good Advice can wake,_
  _When Money's wanting will her Virtue stake._    [Exit.

_Lady._ Advice! Ha, ha, ridiculous Advice.

      _Enter Lady_ Lucy.

No sooner rid of one Mischief but another follows--[_Aside._] I foresee
this to be a Day of Mortification, _Alpiew_.

      _Enter_ Alpiew.

_Alp._ Madam.

_Lady._ My Uncle's gone, you may come in, ha, ha, ha.

L. _Lucy_. Fye, Cousin, does it become you to laugh at those that give
you Counsel for your Good?

_Lady._ For my Good! Oh, _mon cœur_! Now cannot I divine what 'tis that
I do more than the rest of the World to deserve this Blame.

_Alp._ Nor I, for the Soul of me.

L. _Lucy_. Shou'd all the rest of the World follow your Ladyship's
Example, the Order of Nature would be inverted, and every Good design'd
by Heaven, become a Curse; Health and Plenty no longer would be known
among us----You cross the Purpose of the Day and Night; you wake when
you should sleep, and make all who have any Dependance on you wake,
while you repose.

_Lady._ Bless me! may not any Person sleep when they please?

L. _Lucy_. No; there are certain Hours that good Manners, Modesty, and
Health, require your Care; for Example, disorderly Hours are neither
healthful nor modest----And 'tis not civil to make Company wait Dinner
for your Dressing.

_Lady._ Why does any Body dine before Four o'Clock in _London_? For my
Part, I think it an ill-bred Custom to make my Appetite Pendulum to the
Twelfth Hour.

_Alp._ Besides, 'tis out of Fashion to dine by Day-light; and so I told
Sir _Richard_ Yesterday, Madam.

L. _Lucy_. No doubt but you did, Mrs. _Alpiew_; and then you entertain
such a Train of People, Cousin, that my Lady _Reveller_ is as noted as a
public Ordinary, where every Fool with Money finds a Welcome.

_Lady._ Would you have me shut my Doors against my Friends?--Now she is
jealous of Sir _James Courtly_ [_Aside._] Besides, is it possible to
pass the Evenings without Diversions?

_Alp._ No, certainly----

L. _Lucy_. I think the Playhouse the much more innocent and commendable
Diversion.

_Lady._ To be seen there every Night, in my Opinion, is more destructive
to the Reputation.

L. _Lucy_. Well; I had rather be noted every Night in the Front Box,
than, by my Absence, once be suspected of Gaming; one ruins my Estate
and Character, the other diverts my Temper, and improves my Mind. Then
you have such a Number of Lovers.

_Lady._ Oh, _Cupid_! is it a Crime to have a Number of Lovers? If it be,
'tis the pleasantest Crime in the World. A Crime that falls not every
Day to every Woman's Lot.

L. _Lucy_. I dare be positive every Woman does not wish it.

_Lady._ Because Wishes have no Effect, Cousin, ha, ha.

L. _Lucy_. Methinks my Lord _Worthy_'s Assiduity might have banish'd the
admiring Crowd by this Time.

_Lady._ Banish'd 'em! Oh, _mon cœur_! what Pleasure is there in one
Lover? 'tis like being seen always in one Suit of Cloaths; a Woman, with
one Admirer, will ne'er be a reigning Toast.

L. _Lucy_. I am sure those that encourage more, will never have the
Character of a reigning Virtue.

_Lady._ I slight the malicious Censure of the Town, yet defy it to
asperse my Virtue; Nature has given me a Face, a Shape, a Mien, an Air
for Dress, and Wit and Humour to subdue: And shall I lose my Conquest
for a Name?

_Alp._ Nay, and among the unfashionable Sort of People too, Madam; for
Persons of Breeding and Quality will allow, that Gallantry and Virtue
are not inseparable.

L. _Lucy_. But Coquetry and Reputation are; and there is no Difference
in the Eye of the World, between having really committed the Fault, and
lying under the Scandal; for my own Part, I would take as much Care to
preserve my Fame, as you would your Virtue.

_Lady._ A little Pains will serve you for that, Cousin; for I never once
heard you nam'd----A Mortification would break my Heart, ha, ha.

L. _Lucy_. 'Tis better never to be nam'd, than to be ill spoken of; but
your Reflections shall not disorder my Temper. I could wish, indeed, to
convince you of your Error, because you share my Blood; but since I see
the Vanity of the Attempt, I shall desist.

_Lady._ I humbly thank your Ladyship.

_Alp._ Oh! Madam, here's my Lord _Worthy_, Sir _James Courtly_, and
Ensign _Lovely_ coming down; will your Ladyship see them?

_Lady._ Now have I a strong Inclination to engage Sir _James_, to
discompose her Gravity; for if I have any Skill in Glances, she loves
him. But then my Lord _Worthy_ is so peevish since our late Quarrel,
that I'm afraid to engage the Knight in a Duel; besides, my Absence, I
know, will teize him more; therefore upon Consideration I'll retire.
Cousin _Lucy_, good Morrow. I'll leave you to better Company, there's a
Person at hand may prevent your Six o'Clock Prayers. [_Exit._

L. _Lucy_. Ha! Sir _James Courtly_--I must own I think him agreeable;
but am sorry she believes I do. I'll not be seen, for if what I scarce
know myself, be grown so visible to her, perhaps he too may discover it,
and then I am lost.

  _While in the Breast our Secrets close remain,_
  _'Tis out of Fortune's Power to give us Pain._      [Exit.

      _Enter Lord_ Worthy, _Sir_ James, and _Ensign_ Lovely.

Sir _Jam_. Ha! was not that Lady _Lucy_?

_Ensign._ It was--Ah, Sir _James_, I find your Heart is out of Order
about that Lady, and my Lord _Worthy_ languishes for Lady _Reveller_.

Sir _Jam_. And thou art sick for _Valeria_, Sir _Richard_'s Daughter. A
poor distressed Company of us.

_Ensign._ 'Tis true, that little She-Philosopher has made me do Penance
more heartily than ever my Sins did; I deserve her by mere Dint of
Patience. I have stood whole Hours to hear her assert, that Fire cannot
burn, nor Water drown, nor Pain afflict, and Forty ridiculous
Systems----

Sir _Jam_. And all her Experiments on Frogs, Fish, and Flies, ha, ha,
without the least Contradiction.

_Ensign._ Contradiction, no, no, I allow'd all she said, with
undoubtedly, Madam,----I am of your Mind, Madam, it must be
so----natural Causes, &c.

Sir _Jam_. Ha, ha, ha, I think it is a supernatural Cause, which enables
thee to go thro' this Fatigue; if it were not to raise thy Fortune, I
should think thee mad to pursue her; but go on and prosper, nothing in
my Power shall be wanting to assist you----My Lord _Worthy_, your
Lordship is as melancholy as a losing Gamester.

_Lord._ Faith, Gentlemen, I'm out of Humour, but I don't know at what.

Sir _Jam_. Why then I can tell you; for the very same Reason that made
your Lordship stay here to be Spectator of the very Diversion you hate,
(Gaming) the same Cause makes you uneasy in all Company, my Lady
_Reveller_.

_Lord._ Thou hast hit it, Sir _James_, I confess I love her Person, but
hate her Humours, and her Way of Living; I have some Reasons to believe
I'm not indifferent to her, yet I despair of fixing her, her Vanity has
got so much the Mistress of her Resolution; and yet her Passion for Gain
surmounts her Pride, and lays her Reputation open to the World. Every
Fool that has ready Money shall dare to boast himself her very humble
Servant; S'death, when I could cut the Rascal's Throat.

Sir _Jam_. Your Lordship is even with her one Way; for you are as testy
as she's vain, and as fond of an Opportunity to quarrel with her, as she
of a gaming Acquaintance; my Opinion is, my Lord, she'll ne'er be won
your Way.

  _To gain all Women there's a certain Rule:_
  _If Wit should fail to please, then act the Fool;_
  _And where you find Simplicity not take,_
  _Throw off Disguises, and profess the Rake;_
  _Observe which Way their strongest Humours run,_
  _They're by their own lov'd Cant the surest Way undone._

_Lord._ Thou'rt of a happy Temper, Sir _James_, I wish I could be so
too; but since I can't add to your Diversion, I'll take my Leave; good
Morrow, Gentlemen. [_Exit._

Sir _Jam_. This it is to have more Love than Reason about one; you and
I, _Lovely_, will go on with Discretion, and yet I fear it's in Lady
_Lucy_'s Power to banish it.

_Ensign._ I find Mrs. _Sago_, the Drugster's Wife's Interest, begins to
shake, Sir _James_.

Sir _Jam_. And I fear her Love for Play begins to shake her Husband's
Bags too. Faith, I am weary of that Intrigue, lest I should be suspected
to have a Hand in his Ruin.

_Ensign._ She did not lose much to Night, I believe. Pr'ythee, Sir
_James_, what kind of a temper'd Woman is she? Has she Wit?

Sir _Jam_. That she has--A large Portion, and as much Cunning, or she
could never have manag'd the old Fellow so nicely; she has a vast
Passion for my Lady _Reveller_, and endeavours to mimick her in every
Thing. Not a Suit of Clothes, or a Top-knot, that is not exactly the
same with her's. Then her Plots and Contrivances to supply these
Expences, put her continually upon the Rack; yet to give her her Due,
she has a fertile Brain that Way; but come, shall we go Home and sleep
two or three Hours; at Dinner I'll introduce you to Captain _Hearty_,
the Sea Officer, your Rival that is to be, he's just come to Town.

_Ensign._ A powerful Rival, I fear, for Sir _Richard_ resolves to marry
him to his Daughter; all my Hopes lie in her Arguments, and you know
Philosophers are very positive. And if this Captain does but happen to
contradict one whimsical Notion, the Poles will as soon join, as they
couple, and rather than yield, she would go to the _Indies_ in search of
_Dampier_'s Ants.

Sir _Jam_. Nay, she is no Woman if she obeys.

  _Women, like Tides, with Passions ebb and flow,_
  _And like them too, their Source no Man can know._
  _To watch their Motions, is the safest Guide;_
  _Who hits their Humour, sails with Wind and Tide._      [Exit.




ACT II.

_Enter_ Buckle, _meeting Mrs._ Alpiew.


_Alp._ Good-Morrow.

_Buck._ Good-Morrow.

_Alp._ Good-Morrow, good-Morrow, is that all your Business here? What
means that affected Look, as if you long'd to be examin'd what's the
Matter?

_Buck._ The Capricio's of Love, _Mademoiselle_; the Capricio's of Love.

_Alp._ Why! are you in Love?

_Buck._ I--in Love! No! the Devil take me, if ever I shall be infected
with that Madness! 'tis enough for one in a Family to fall under the
whimsical Circumstances of that Distemper. My Lord has a sufficient
Portion for both: here--here--here's a Letter for your Lady: I believe
the Contents are not so full of Stars, and Darts, and Flames, as they
us'd to be.

_Alp._ My Lady will not concern herself with your Lord, nor his Letters
neither, I can assure you that.

_Buck._ So much the better; I'll tell him what you say----Have you no
more?

_Alp._ Tell him it is not my Fault; I have done as much for his Service
as lay in my Power, till I put her in so great a Passion, that 'tis
impossible to appease her.

_Buck._ Very good--my Lord is upon the Square, I promise ye, as much
inraged as her Ladyship to the full. Well, Mrs. _Alpiew_, to the
longest Day of his Life, he swears never to forget Yesterday's
Adventure, that has given him perfect Liberty.

_Alp._ I believe so----What was it, pray?

_Buck._ I'll tell you; 'twas Matter of Consequence, I assure you, I've
known Lovers part for a less Trifle by half.

_Alp._ No Digressions, but to the Point, what was it?

_Buck._ This----my Lord, was at the Fair with your Lady.

_Alp._ What of that?

_Buck._ In a Raffling-Shop she saw a young Gentleman, which she said was
very handsome--At the same Time, my Lord praised a young Lady; she
redoubles her Commendations of the Beau----He enlarges on the Beauty of
the Belle; their Discourse grew warm on the Subject; they pause; she
begins again with the Perfections of the Gentleman; he ends with the
same of the Lady: Thus they pursued their Arguments, still finding such
mighty Charms in their new Favourites, till they found one another so
ugly--so ugly--that they parted with full Resolution never to meet
again.

_Alp._ Ha, ha, ha, pleasant; well, if you have no more to tell me,
adieu.

_Buck._ Stay a Moment, I see my Lord coming, I thought he'd follow me.
Oh! Lovers' Resolutions.

      _Enter Lord_ Worthy.

_Lord._ So, have you seen my Lady _Reveller_? [_To_ Buck.

_Alp._ My Lord----

_Lord._ Ha! Mrs. _Alpiew_.

      [_Gives him his own Letter._

_Buck._ Here's your Lordship's Letter.

_Lord._ An Answer! She has done me very much Honour.

_Alp._ My Lord, I am commanded----

_Lord._ Hold a little, dear Mrs. _Alpiew_. [_All this while he is
opening the Letter, thinking it from the Lady._]

_Buck._ My Lord, she would not----

_Lord._ Be quiet, I say----

_Alp._ I am very sorry----

_Lord._ But a Moment----Ha! Why this is my own Letter.

_Buck._ Yes, my Lord.

_Lord._ Yes, my Lord----What, she'd not receive it then?

_Buck._ No, my Lord.

_Lord._ How durst you stay so long?

_Alp._ I beg your Lordship not to harbour an ill Opinion of me; I
opposed her Anger with my utmost Skill, prais'd all your Actions, all
your Parts, but all in vain.

_Lord._ Enough, enough, Madam; she has taken the best Method in the
World--Well, then we are ne'er to meet again.

_Alp._ I know not that, my Lord----

_Lord._ I rejoice at it, by my Life I do; she has only prevented me; I
came on purpose to break with her----

_Buck._ [_Aside._] Yes, so 'twas a Sign, by the Pleasure you discover'd
in thinking she had writ to you.

_Lord._ I suppose she has entertain'd you with the Cause of this.

_Alp._ No, my Lord, never mention'd a Syllable, only said, she had
forever done with you; and charg'd me, as I valu'd her Favour, to
receive no Message nor Letter from you.

_Lord._ May I become the very'st Wretch alive, and all the Ills
imaginable fall upon my Head, if I speak to her more; nay, ever think of
her but with Scorn--Where is she now?

      [_Walks about._

_Alp._ In her Dressing-Room.

_Lord._ There let her be; I am weary of her fantastic Humours, affected
Airs, and unaccountable Passions.

_Buck._ For half an Hour. [_Aside._]

_Lord._ Do you know what she's doing?

_Alp._ I believe, my Lord, trying on a Mantua; I left her with Mrs.
_Pleatwell_, and that us'd to hold her a great while, for the Woman is
saucily familiar with all the Quality, and tells her all the Scandal.

_Lord._ And conveys Letters upon Occasion; 'tis tack'd to their
Profession--But my Lady _Reveller_ may do what she pleases, I am no more
her Slave, upon my Word; I have broke my Chain--she has not been out
then since she rose.

_Alp._ No, my Lord.

_Lord._ Nay, if she has, or has not, 'tis the same Thing to me; she may
go to the End of the World, if she will, I shan't take any Pains to
follow her----Whose Footman was that I met?

_Alp._ I know not, my Lord, we have so many come with How d'ye's, I
ne'er mind them.

_Lord._ You are uneasy, Child; come, I'll not detain you, I have no
Curiosity, I protest I'm satisfied if she's so; I assure ye, let her
despise me, let her hate me, 'tis all one; adieu. [_Going._

_Alp._ My Lord, your Servant.

_Lord._ Mrs. _Alpiew_, let me beg one Favour of you, [_turns back_] not
to say I was here.

_Alp._ I'll do just as you please, my Lord.

_Lord._ Do that then, and you'll oblige me.

      [_Is going, and comes back often._

_Alp._ I will.

_Lord._ Don't forget.

_Alp._ Your Lordship may depend upon me.

_Lord._ Hold! now I think on't--Pray tell her you did see me, do you
hear?

_Alp._ With all my Heart.

_Lord._ Tell her how indifferent she is to me in every respect.

_Alp._ I shan't fail.

_Lord._ Tell her every Thing just as I exprest it to you.

_Alp._ I will.

_Lord._ Adieu. [_Going._

_Alp._ Your Servant.

_Lord._ Now I think on't, Mrs. _Alpiew_, I have a great Mind she should
know my Sentiments from my own Mouth.

_Alp._ Nay, my Lord, I can't promise you that.

_Lord._ Why?

_Alp._ Because she has expresly forbid your Admittance.

_Lord._ I'd speak but one Word with her.

_Alp._ Impossible.

_Lord._ Pugh, pr'ythee let me see her. [_Intreating._

_Buck._ So, now all this mighty Rage ends in a begging Submission.

_Lord._ Only tell her I am here.

_Alp._ Why should you desire me to meet her Anger, my Lord.

_Lord._ Come, you shall oblige me once.

      [_Puts a Ring upon her Finger._

_Alp._ O dear, my Lord, you have such a Command over your Servant, I can
refuse nothing. [_Exit._

_Lord._ Have you been at the Goldsmith's about the Bills, for I am fix'd
on Travelling.

_Buck._ Your Lordship's so disturb'd, you have forgot you countermanded
me, and sent me hither.

_Lord._ True.

      _Enter Mrs._ Alpiew.

_Alp._ Just as I told your Lordship, she fell in a most violent Passion
at the bare mention of your Name: Tell him, said she, in an heroic
Strain, I'll never see him more and commanded him to quit that Room, for
I'm coming thither.

_Lord._ Tyrant, curse on my Folly, she knows her Power; well, I hope I
may walk in the Gallery; I would speak with her Uncle.

_Alp._ To be sure, my Lord.

      [_Exit Lord_ Worthy.

_Buck._ Learn, Mistress, learn, you may come to make me mad in Time, ha,
ha, ha.

_Alp._ Go, Fool, follow your Lord. [_Exit_ Buck.

      _Enter Lady_ Reveller.

_Lady._ Well, I'll swear, _Alpiew_, you have given me the Vapours for
all Day.

_Alp._ Ah! Madam, if you had seen him, you must have had Compassion; I
would not have such a Heart of Adamant for the World; poor Lord, sure
you have the strangest Power over him.

_Lady._ Silly--one often fancies one has Power, when one has none at
all; I'll tell thee, _Alpiew_, he vexed me strangely before this grand
Quarrel; I was at _Piquet_ with my Lady _Lovewit_ four Nights ago, and
bid him read me a new Copy of Verses, because, you know, he never plays,
and I did not well know what to do with him; he had scarce begun, when
I, being eager at a Pique, he rose up and said, he believ'd I lov'd the
Music of my own Voice, (crying Nine and Twenty, Threescore) better than
the sweetest Poetry in the Universe, and abruptly left us.

_Alp._ A great Crime, indeed, not to read; when People are at a Game
they are oblig'd to talk all the while.

_Lady._ Crime; yes, indeed was it, for my Lady loves Poetry better than
Play, and perhaps before the Poem had been done, had lost her Money to
me. But I wonder, _Alpiew_, by what Art 'tis you engage me in this
Discourse, why should I talk of a Man that's utterly my Aversion----Have
you heard from Mrs. _Sago_ this Morning?

_Alp._ Certainly, Madam, she never fails; she has sent your Ladyship the
finest Cargo, made up of Chocolate, Tea, _Montifiasco_ Wine, and fifty
Rarities beside, with something to remember me, good Creature, that she
never forgets. Well, indeed, Madam, she is the best-natur'd Woman in the
World; it grieves me to think what Sums she loses at play.

_Lady._ Oh, fye, she must; a Citizen's Wife is not to be endur'd amongst
Quality; had she not Money, 'twere impossible to receive her----

_Alp._ Nay, indeed, I must say that of you Women of Quality, if there is
but Money enough, you stand not upon Birth or Reputation, in either Sex;
if you did, so many Sharpers of _Covent-Garden_, and Mistresses of St.
_James_'s, would not be daily admitted.

_Lady._ Peace, Impertinence, you take strange Freedoms.

      [_Enter_ Valeria _running_.

Why in such Haste, Cousin _Valeria_? [_Stopping her._

_Val._ Oh! dear Cousin, don't stop me, I shall lose the finest Insect
for Dissection, a huge Flesh Fly, which Mr. _Lovely_ sent me just now,
and opening the Box to try the Experiment, away it flew.

_Lady._ I am glad the poor Fly escap'd; will you never be weary of these
Whimsies?

_Val._ Whimsies! Natural Philosophy a Whimsy! Oh! the unlearned World.

_Lady._ Ridiculous Learning!

_Alp._ Ridiculous, indeed, for Women; Philosophy suits our Sex, as
Jack-Boots would do.

_Val._ Custom would bring them as much in Fashion as Furbeloes, and
Practice would make us as valiant as e'er a Hero of them all; the
Resolution is in the Mind--Nothing can enslave that.

_Lady._ My Stars! this Girl will be mad, that's certain.

_Val._ Mad! so _Nero_ banish'd Philosophers from _Rome_, and the first
Discoverer of the _Antipodes_ was condemn'd for a Heretic.

_Lady._ In my Conscience, _Alpiew_, this pretty Creature's spoil'd.
Well, Cousin, might I advise, you should bestow your Fortune in founding
a College for the Study of Philosophy, where none but Women should be
admitted; and to immortalize your Name, they should be called
_Valerians_, ha, ha, ha.

_Val._ What you make a Jest of, I'd execute, were Fortune in my Power.

_Alp._ All Men would not be excluded; the handsome Ensign, Madam.

_Lady._ In Love! Nay, there's no Philosophy against Love; _Solon_ for
that.

_Val._ 'Pshaw, no more of this trifling Subject; Cousin, will you
believe there's any Thing without Gall.

_Lady._ I am satisfy'd I have one, when I lose at play, or see a Lady
address'd when I am by; and 'tis equal to me, whether the rest of the
Creation have or not.

_Val._ Well, but I'll convince you then; I have dissected my Dove----and
positively I think the vulgar Notion true, for I could find none.

_Lady._ Oh, barbarous! killed your pretty Dove. [_Starting._

_Val._ Kill'd it! Why, what did you imagine I bred it up for? Can
Animals, Insects, or Reptiles, be put to a nobler Use than to improve
our Knowledge? Cousin, I'll give you this Jewel for your _Italian_
Greyhound.

_Lady._ What to cut to Pieces? Oh, horrid! he had need be a Soldier that
ventures on you; for my Part, I should dream of nothing but Incision,
Dissection, and Amputation, and always fancy the Knife at my Throat.

      _Enter Servant._

_Serv._ Madam, here's Sir _Richard_, and a----

_Val._ A----What, is it an Accident, a Substance, a Material Being, or a
Being of Reason?

_Serv._ I don't know what you call a Material Being, it is a Man.

_Val._ 'Pshaw, a Man, that's nothing.

_Lady._ She'll prove by and by, out of _Descartes_ that we are all
Machines.

      _Enter Sir_ Richard, _and Capt._ Firebrand.

_Alp._ Oh, Madam, do you see who observes you? My Lord walking in the
Gallery, and every Minute gives a Peep.

_Lady._ Does he so! I'll fit him for Eves-dropping--

Sir _Rich_. Sir, I like the Relation you have given me of your Naval
Expedition; your Discourse speaks you a Man fit for the Sea.

_Capt._ You had it without a Flourish, Sir _Richard_; my Word is this, I
hate the _French_, love a handsome Woman, and a Bowl of Punch.

_Val._ Very blunt.

Sir _Rich_. This is my Daughter, Captain, a Girl of sober Education; she
understands nothing of Gaming, Parks, or Plays.

_Alp._ But wanting these Diversions, she has supply'd the Vacancy with
greater Follies. [_Aside._]

_Capt._ A tight little Frigate [_Salutes her._] 'Faith, I think she
looks like a fresh Man Sea-sick----But here's a gallant Vessel--with all
her Streamers out, Top and Top-Gallant--with your Leave, Madam,
[_Salutes her._] Who is that Lady, Sir _Richard_?

Sir _Rich_. 'Tis a Niece of mine, Captain--tho' I am sorry she is so:
she values nothing that does not spend their Days at their Glass, and
their Nights at _Basset_; such who ne'er did good to their Prince, nor
Country, except their Taylor, Peruke-maker, and Perfumer.

_Lady._ Fye, fye, Sir, believe him not, I have a Passion, an extreme
Passion for a Hero--especially if he belongs to the Sea; methinks he has
an Air so fierce, so piercing, his very Looks command Respect from his
own Sex, and all the Hearts of ours.

Sir _Rich_. The Devil----Now, rather than let another Female have a Man
to herself, she'll make the first Advances. [_Aside._]

_Capt._ Ay, Madam, we are preferr'd by you fine Ladies, sometimes before
the sprucer Sparks----there's a Conveniency in't; a fair Wind, and we
hale out, and leave you Liberty and Money, two Things the most
acceptable to a Wife in Nature.

_Lady._ Oh! ay, it's so pretty to have one's Husband gone Nine Months of
the Twelve; and then to bring one home fine China, fine Lace, fine
Muslin, and fine _Indian_ Birds, and a thousand Curiosities.

Sir _Rich_. No, no; Nine is a little too long, Six would do better for
one of your Constitution, Mistress.

_Capt._ Well, Madam, what think you of a cruising Voyage towards the
Cape of Matrimony, your Father designs me for the Pilot; if you agree to
it, we'll hoist Sail immediately.

_Val._ I agree to any Thing dictated by good Sense, and comprehended
within the Borders of Elocution; the Converse I hold with your Sex, is
only to improve and cultivate the Notions of my Mind.

Sir _Rich_. What the Devil is she going upon now? [_Aside._]

_Val._ I presume you are a Mariner, Sir----

_Capt._ I have the Honour to bear the Queen's Commission, Madam.

_Val._ Pray speak properly, positively, laconically, and naturally.

_Lady._ So; she has given him a Broadside already.

_Capt._ Laconically! Why, why, what is your Daughter, Sir _Richard_? ha.

Sir _Rich_. May I be reduced to wooden Shoes, if I can tell you, the
Devil: Had I liv'd near a College, the Haunts of some Pedant might have
brought this Curse upon me; but to have got my Estate in the City, and
to have a Daughter run mad after Philosophy, I'll ne'er suffer it in the
Rage I am in; I'll throw all the Books and Mathematical Instruments out
of the Window.

_Lady._ I dare say, Uncle, you have shook Hands with Philosophy----for
I'm sure you have banish'd Patience, ha, ha, ha.

Sir _Rich_. And you Discretion--By all my Hatred for the _French_,
they'll drive me mad: Captain, I'll expect you in the next Room; and
you Mrs. _Laconick_, with your Philosophy at your Tail. [_Exit._

_Lady._ Shan't I come too, Uncle, ha, ha.

_Capt._ By _Neptune_, this is a kind of a whimsical Family. Well, Madam,
what was you going to say so positively and properly, and so forth?

_Val._ I would have ask'd you, Sir, if ever you had the Curiosity to
inspect a Mermaid----Or if you are convinc'd there is a World in every
Star----We, by our Telescopes, find Seas, Groves and Plains, and all
that; but what they are peopled with, there's the Quere.

_Capt._ Let your next Contrivance be how to get thither, and then you'll
know a World in every Star--Ha, ha, she's fitter for _Moorfields_ than
Matrimony; pray, Madam, are you always infected, Full and Change, with
this Distemper?

_Val._ How has my Reason err'd, to hold Converse with an irrational
Being----Dear, dear Philosophy, what immense Pleasures dwell in thee!

      _Enter Servant._

_Serv._ Madam, _John_ has got the Fish you sent him in search of.

_Val._ Is it alive?

_Serv._ Yes, Madam.

_Val._ Your Servant, your Servant, I wou'd not lose the Experiment for
any Thing, but the Tour of the new World. [_Exit._

_Capt._ Ha, ha, ha, is your Ladyship troubled with these Vagaries too?
Is the whole House possest?

_Lady._ Not I, Captain, the speculative Faculty is not my Talent;
I am for the Practice, can listen all Day to hear you talk of Fire,
substantial Fire, Rear and Front, and Line of Battle--admire a Sea-man,
hate the _French_--love a Bowl of Punch: Oh! nothing so agreeable as
your Conversation, nothing so jaunty as a Sea Captain.

_Alp._ So; this engages him to play,--if he has either Manners or Money.
[_Aside._]

_Capt._ Ay: give me the Woman that can hold me tack in my own
Dialect--She's mad too, I suppose, but I'll humour her a little.
[_Aside._] Oh, Madam, not a fair Wind, nor a rich Prize, nor Conquest
o'er my Enemies, can please like you: accept my Heart without
Capitulation----'Tis yours, a Prisoner at Discretion. [_Kisses her
Hand._

      _Enter Lord_ Worthy.

_Lord._ Hold, Sir, you must there contend with me; the Victory is not so
easy as you imagine.

_Lady._ Oh, fye, my Lord, you won't fight for one you hate and despise?
I may trust you with the Captain; ha, ha, ha. [_Exit._

_Capt._ This must be her Lover----and he is mad another Way: This is the
most unaccountable Family I ever met with. [_Aside._] Look ye, Sir, what
you mean by contending, I know not; but I must tell you, I don't think
any Woman I have seen since I came ashore, worth fighting for. The
philosophical Gimcrack I don't value of a Cockle-Shell. And am too well
acquainted with the Danger of Rocks and Quick-sands, to steer into
t'other's Harbour.

_Lord._ He has discover'd her already; I, only I am blind. [_Aside._]

_Capt._ But, Sir, if you have a mind to a Breathing, here, tread upon my
Toe, or speak but one Word in favour of the _French_, or against the
Courage of our Fleet, and my Sword will start of itself, to do its
Master and my Country Justice.

_Lord._ How ridiculous do I make myself----Pardon me, Sir, you are in
the right. I confess I scarce knew what I did.

_Capt._ I thought so, poor Gentleman, I pity him: this is the Effect of
Love on Shore--When do we hear of a Tar in these Fits, longer than the
first fresh Gale--Well, I'll into Sir _Richard_, eat with him, drink
with him; but to match into his Generation, I'd as soon marry one of his
Daughter's Mermaids. [_Exit._

_Lord._ Was ever Man so stupid as myself? But I will rouse from this
lethargic Dream, and seek elsewhere what is deny'd at home; Absence may
restore my Liberty.

      _Enter Mr._ Sago.

_Sago._ Pray, my Lord, did you see my _Keecky_?

_Lord._ _Keecky_, what's that?

_Sago._ My Wife, you must know, I call her _Keecky_, ha, ha.

_Lord._ Not I, indeed----

_Sago._ Nay, pray my Lord ben't angry, I only want to tell her what a
Present of fine Wine is sent her just now: and ha, ha, ha, ha what makes
me laugh--is, that no Soul can tell from whence it comes.

_Lord._ Your Wife knows, no doubt.

_Sago._ No more than myself, my Lord--We have often Wine and Sweetmeats;
nay, whole Pieces of Silk, and the Duce take me if she could devise from
whence; nay, sometimes she has been for sending them back again, but I
cry'd, whose a Fool then.

_Lord._ I'm sure thou art one in Perfection, and to me insupportable.
[_Going._

_Sago._ My Lord, I know your Lordship has the Privilege of this House,
pray do me the Kindness, if you find my Wife, to send her out to me.
[_Exit_ Lord.] I ne'er saw so much of this Lord's Humour before; he is
very surly, methinks----Adod, there are some Lords of my Wife's
Acquaintance, as civil and familiar with me, as I am with my
Journeyman--Oh! here she comes.

      _Enter Mrs._ Sago, _and_ Alpiew.

Mrs. _Sago_. Oh, Puddy, see what my Lady _Reveller_ has presented me
withal.

_Sago._ Hey, Keecky, why sure you rise--as the Saying is, for at Home
there's four Hampers of Wine sent ye.

Mrs. _Sago_. From whence, dear Puddy?

_Sago._ Nay, there's the Jest, neither you nor I know. I offer'd the
Rogue that brought it a Guinea to tell from whence it came, and he swore
he durst not.

Mrs. _Sago_. No, if he had, I'd never have employ'd him again.
[_Aside._]

_Sago._ So I gave him half a Crown, and let him go.

Mrs. _Sago_. It comes very opportunely; pray, Puddy, send a Couple of
the Hampers to my Lady _Reveller_'s, as a small Acknowledgment for the
rich Present she has made me.

_Sago._ With all my Heart, my Jewel, my Precious.

Mrs. _Sago_. Puddy I am strangely oblig'd to Mrs. _Alpiew_; do, Puddy,
do, dear Puddy.

_Sago._ What?

Mrs. _Sago_. Will ye, then? Do, dear Puddy, do, lend me a Guinea to give
her, do.

      [_Hanging upon him in a wheedling Tone._

_Sago._ 'Pshaw, you are always wanting Guineas; I'll send her half a
Pound of Tea, Keecky.

Mrs. _Sago_. Tea--sha--she drinks Ladies Tea; do, dear Puddy do; can you
deny, Keecky, now?

_Sago._ Well, well, there. [_Gives it her._

Mrs. _Sago_. Mrs. _Alpiew_, will you please to lay the Silk by for me,
till I send for it, and accept of that?

_Alp._ Your Servant, Madam, I'll be careful of it.

Mrs. _Sago_. Thank ye, borrow as much as you can on't, dear _Alpiew_.
[_Aside to her._]

_Alp._ I warrant you, Madam. [_Exit._

Mrs. _Sago_. I must raise a Sum for _Basset_ against Night.

_Sago._ Pr'ythee, _Keecky_, what kind of humour'd Man is Lord _Worthy_?
I did but ask him if he saw thee, and I thought he wou'd have snapp'd my
Nose off.

Mrs. _Sago_. Oh, a mere Woman, full of Spleen and Vapours, he and I
never agree.

_Sago._ Adod, I thought so--I guess'd he was none of thy Admirers--ha,
ha, ha; why there's my Lord _Courtall_, and my Lord _Horncit_, bow down
to the Ground to me where ever they meet me.

      _Enter_ Alpiew.

_Alp._ Madam, Madam, the Goldsmith has sent in the Plate.

Mrs. _Sago_. Very well, take it along with the Silk. [_Aside to her._

_Alp._ Here's the Jeweller, Madam, with the Diamond Ring, but he don't
seem willing to leave it without Money. [_Exit_ Alpiew.

Mrs. _Sago_. Humph! I have a sudden Thought; bid him stay, and bring me
the Ring----Now for the Art of Wheedling----

_Sago._ What are you whispering about? Ha! Precious----

Mrs. _Sago_. Mrs. _Alpiew_ says, a Friend of her's has a Diamond Ring to
sell, a great Pennyworth, and I know you love a Bargain, Puddy.

      _Enter_ Alpiew, _gives her the Ring_.

_Sago._ 'Pshaw, I don't care for Rings; it may be a Bargain, and it may
not; and I can't spare Money; I have paid for a Lot this Morning;
consider Trade must go forward, Lambkin.

_Alp._ See how it sparkles.

Mrs. _Sago_. Nay, Puddy, if it be not worth your Money, I don't desire
you to buy it; but don't it become my Finger, Puddy? See now----

_Sago._ Ah! that Hand, that Hand it was which first got hold of my
Heart: well, what's the Price of it? Ha, I am ravish'd to see it upon
_Keecky_'s Finger----

Mrs. _Sago_. What did he say the price of it was? [_To_ Alpiew.]

_Alp._ Two hundred Guineas, Madam. [_Aside to_ Mrs. _Sago_.

Mrs. _Sago_. Threescore Pounds, dear Pudd:--The Devil's in't if he won't
give that. [_Aside._]

_Sago._ Threescore Pounds! Why 'tis worth a Hundred, Child, richly--'tis
stole--'tis stole----

_Alp._ Stole! I'd have you to know, the Owner is my Relation, and has
been as great a Merchant as any in _London_, but has had the Misfortune
to have his Ships fall into the Hands of the _French_, or he'd not have
parted with it at such a Rate; it cost him two hundred Guineas.

Mrs. _Sago_. I believe as much; indeed it is very fine.

_Sago._ So it is, _Keecky_, and that dear little Finger shall have it
too; let me bite it a little tiny Bit--

      [_Bites her Finger._

Mrs. _Sago_. Oh! dear Pudd, you hurt me.

_Sago._ Here--I han't so much Money about me, but there's a Bill,
Lambkin----there now, you'll buss poor Puddy now, won't you?

Mrs. _Sago_. Buss him--yes, that I will, agen and agen, and agen, dear
Pudd.

      [_Flies about his Neck._

_Sago._ You'll go home with Puddy now to Dinner, won't you?

Mrs. _Sago_. Yes--a--dear Puddy, if you desire it----I will--but--a--

_Sago._ But what?

Mrs. _Sago_. But I promis'd my Lady _Reveller_ to dine with her,
Deary--Do, let me, Pud--I'll dine with you To-morrow day.

_Alp._ Nay, I'm sure my Lady won't eat a Bit, if she don't stay.

_Sago._ Well, they are all so fond of my Wife; my _Keecky_, shew me thy
little Finger agen----O dear little Finger, my _Keecky_! [_Exit._

Mrs. _Sago_. My nown Pudd----Here _Alpiew_, give him his Ring agen, I
have my End; tell him 'tis too dear. [_Aside._]

_Alp._ But what will you say when Mr. _Sago_ misses it?

Mrs. _Sago_. I'll say--that it was too big for my Finger, and I lost it;
'tis but a Crying-bout, and the good Man melts into Pity.

  _I' th' married State, this only Bliss we find,_
  _An easy Husband to our Wishes kind,_
  _I've gain'd my Point, replenish'd Purse once more,_
  _Oh! cast me, Fortune, on the winning Shore:_
  _Now let me gain what I have lost before._      [Exit.




ACT III.

_The_ SCENE _draws, and discovers_ Valeria _with Books upon a Table, a
Microscope, putting a Fish upon it, several Animals lying by_.


_Val._ 'Pshaw! Thou fluttering Thing--So, now I've fix'd it.

      _Enter_ Alpiew.

_Alp._ Madam, here's Mr. _Lovely_; I have introduced him as one of my
Lady's Visitors, and brought him down the Back-Stairs.

_Val._ I'm oblig'd to you, he comes opportunely.

      _Enter_ Lovely.

O Mr. _Lovely_! come, come here, look through this Glass, and see how
the Blood circulates in the Tail of this Fish.

_Lov._ Wonderful! but it circulates prettier in this fair Neck.

_Val._ 'Pshaw--be quiet--I'll shew you a Curiosity, the greatest that
ever Nature made.--[_Opens a Box._] In opening a Dog the other Day, I
found this Worm.

_Lov._ Prodigious! 'Tis the Joint-Worm, which the Learned talk of so
much.

_Val._ Ay; the _Lumbricus_, _Lætus_, or _Fæscia_, as _Hippocrates_ calls
it, or vulgarly in English, the Tape-Worm--_Thudæus_ tells us of one of
these Worms found in a Human Body, two hundred Feet long, without Head
or Tail.

_Lov._ I wish they be not got into thy Brain. [_Aside._] Oh, you charm
me with these Discoveries.

_Val._ Here's another Sort of Worm call'd _Lumbricus teres
Intestinalis_.

_Lov._ I think the first you showed me the greatest Curiosity.

_Val._ 'Tis very odd, really, that there should be every Inch a Joint,
and every Joint a Mouth----Oh, the profound Secrets of Nature!

_Lov._ 'Tis strangely surprizing----But now let me be heard, for mine's
the Voice of Nature too; methinks you neglect yourself, the most perfect
Piece of all her Works.

_Val._ Why, what Fault do you find in me?

_Lov._ You have not Love enough; that Fire would consume and banish all
Studies but its own; your Eyes would sparkle, and spread I know not
what, of Lively and Touching, o'er the whole Face; this Hand when
press'd by him you Love, would tremble to your Heart.

_Val._ Why so it does----Have I not told you twenty Times I love
you?----for I hate Disguise; your Temper being adapted to mine, gave my
Soul the first Impression;----You know my Father's positive,----but do
not believe he shall force me to any Thing that does not love
Philosophy.

_Lov._ But that Sea Captain, _Valeria_.

_Val._ If he was a Whale, he might give you Pain, for I should long to
dissect him; but as he is a Man, you have no Reason to fear him.

_Lov._ Consent then to fly with me.

_Val._ What, and leave my Microscope, and all my Things for my Father to
break in Pieces?

Sir _Rich_. _Valeria, Valeria._ [_Within._

_Val._ O Heavens! he is coming up the Back-Stairs. What shall we do?

_Lov._ Humph; ha, can't you put me in that Closet there?

_Val._ Oh, no, I han't the Key.

_Lov._ I'll run down the Great Stairs, let who will see me. [_Going._

_Val._ Oh no, no, no, no, not for your Life;--here, here, get under this
Tub.

      [_Throws out some Fish in haste and turns the Tub over him._

Sir, I'm here.

      _Enter Sir_ Richard.

Sir _Rich_. What, at your Whims--and Whirligigs, ye Baggage! I'll out at
Window with them.

      [_Throwing away the Things._

_Val._ Oh! dear Father, save my _Lumbricus Lætus_.

Sir _Rich_. I'll Lamprey and Latum you; what's that I wonder? Ha! Where
the Devil got you Names that your Father don't understand? Ha?

      [_Treads upon them._

_Val._ Oh, my poor Worm! Now you have destroy'd a Thing, that, for ought
I know, _England_ can't produce again.

Sir _Rich_. What is it good for? Answer me that. What's this Tub here
for? Ha? [_Kicks it._

_Val._ What shall I do now?----it is a----'tis a----Oh dear Sir! don't
touch the Tub----for there's a Bear's young Cub that I have bought for
Dissection,----but I dare not touch it till the Keeper comes.

Sir _Rich_. I'll Cub you, and Keeper you, with a Vengeance to you; is
my Money laid out in Bears Cubs?--I'll drive out your Cub--[_Opens the
Door, stands at a Distance off, and with his Cane lifts up the Tub_,
Lovely _rises_.

_Lov._ Oh the Devil! discover'd; your Servant, Sir. [_Exit._

Sir _Rich_. Oh! your Servant, Sir--What is this your Bear's Cub? Ha,
Mistress! His Taylor has lick'd him into Shape, I find----What did this
Man do here? Ha, Hussy?--I doubt you have been studying Natural
Philosophy, with a Vengeance.

_Val._ Indeed, Sir, he only brought me a strange Fish, and hearing your
Voice, I was afraid you would be angry, and so that made me hide him.

Sir _Rich_. A Fish! 'tis the Flesh I fear; I'll have you married
To-night----I believe this Fellow was the beggarly Ensign, who never
march'd farther than from _Whitehall_ to the _Tower_, who wants your
Portion to make him a Brigadier, without ever seeing a Battle--Hussy,
ha--tho' your philosophical Cant, with a Murrain to you--has put the
Captain out of Conceit, I have a Husband still for you; come along, come
along, I'll send the Servants to clear this Room of your Baubles.
[_Pulls her off._] I will so.

_Val._ But the Servants won't, old Gentleman, that's my Comfort still.
[_Exit._

      _Re-enter_ Lovely.

_Lov._ I'm glad they are gone, for the Duce take me if I could hit the
Way out.

      _Enter Sir_ James.

Sir _Jam_. Ha--Ensign! luckily met; I have been labouring for you, and I
hope done you a Piece of Service. Why, you look surpriz'd.

_Lov._ Surpriz'd! so wou'd you, Sir _James_, if you had been whelm'd
under a Tub without Room to breathe.

Sir _Jam_. Under a Tub! ha, ha, ha.

_Lov._ 'Twas the only Place of Shelter.

Sir _Jam_. Come, come, I have a better Prospect; the Captain is a very
honest Fellow, and thinks if you can bear with the Girl, you deserve her
Fortune; here's your Part, [_Gives a Paper._] he'll give you your Cue;
he stays at his Lodgings for you.

_Lov._ What's the Design?

Sir _Jam_. That will tell you; quick Dispatch.

_Lov._ Well, Sir _James_, I know you have a prolific Brain, and will
rely on your Contrivances, and if it succeeds, the Captain shall have a
Bowl of Punch large enough to set his Ship afloat. [_Exit._

      _Enter Lady_ Reveller, _Lady_ Lucy, _and Mrs._ Sago.

Sir _Jam_. The Tea-Table broke up already! I fear there has been but
small Recruits of Scandal To-day.

Mrs. _Sago_. Well, I'll swear I think the Captain's a pleasant Fellow.

Sir _Jam_. That's because he made his Court to her. [_Aside._]

L. _Revel_. Oh--I nauseate those amphibious Creatures.

Sir _Jam_. Umph, she was not address'd to.

L. _Lucy_. He seems neither to want Sense, Honour, nor true Courage; and
methinks there is a Beauty in his plain Delivery.

Sir _Jam_. There spoke Sincerity without Affectation.

L. _Revel_. How shall we pass the Afternoon?

Sir _Jam_. Ay, Ladies, how shall we?

L. _Revel_. You here? I thought you had listed yourself Volunteer under
the Captain, to board some Prize, you whisper'd so often, and sneak'd
out one after another.

Sir _Jam_. Who would give one self the Pains to cruise Abroad, when all
one values is at Home?

L. _Revel_. To whom is this directed? Or will you monopolize and ingross
us all?

Sir _Jam_. No,--tho' you would wake Desire in every Beholder, I resign
you to my worthy Friend.

L. _Lucy_. And the rest of the Company have no Pretence to you.

Mrs. _Sago_. That's more than she knows. [_Aside._]

Sir _Jam_. Beauty, like yours, would give all Mankind Pretence.

Mrs. _Sago_. So, not a Word to me; are these his Vows? [_In an uneasy
Air._

L. _Lucy_. There's one upon the Teize already. [_Aside._]

L. _Revel_. Why, you are in Disorder, my Dear; you look as if you had
lost a _Trant Leva_: What have you said to her, Sir _James_?

Sir _Jam_. I said, Madam! I hope I never say any Thing to offend the
Ladies. The Devil's in these married Women, they can't conceal their own
Intrigues, though they swear us to Secrecy. [_Aside._]

L. _Lucy_. You mistake, Cousin; 'tis his saying nothing to her has put
her upon the Fret.

L. _Revel_. Ah! your Observations are always malicious.

Mrs. _Sago_. I despise them dear Lady _Reveller_, let's in to Picquet; I
suppose Lady _Lucy_ would be pleas'd with Sir _James_ alone to finish
her Remarks.

L. _Lucy_. Nay, if you remove the Cause, the Discourse ceases.

Sir _Jam_. [_Going up to her._] This you draw upon your self; you will
discover it. [_To her._

Mrs. _Sago_. Yes your Falshood.

L. _Revel_. Come, my dear Sir _James_, will you make one at a Pool?

Sir _Jam_. Pardon me, Madam, I'm to be at _White_'s in half an Hour,
anon at the _Basset-Table_. I'm yours.

Mrs. _Sago_. No, no, he can't leave her. [_Going, still looking back._

L. _Lucy_. They play Gold, Sir _James_.

Sir _Jam_. [_Going up to Lady_ Lucy.] Madam, were your Heart the Stake,
I'd renounce all Engagements to win that, or retrieve my own.

L. _Lucy_. I must like the Counter-stake very well, e'er I play so high.

Mrs. _Sago_. Sir _James_, harkye, one Word with you.

      [_Breaking from Lady_ Reveller_'s Hand, pulling Sir_ James
      _by the Sleeve_.

L. _Lucy_. Ha, ha, I knew she could not stir; I'll remove your
Constraint, but with my wonted Freedom, will tell you plainly--your
Husband's Shop would better become you than Gaming and Gallants. Oh
Shame to Virtue, that Women should copy Men in their most reigning
Vices!

  _Of Virtue's wholesome Rules unjustly we complain,_
  _When Search of Pleasures give us greater Pain._
  _How slightly we our Reputation guard,_
  _Which lost but once can never be repair'd._

L. _Revel_. Farewel Sentences.

      _Enter_ Alpiew.

_Alp._ Madam---- [_Whispers her Lady._

Mrs. _Sago_. So then, you persuade me 'twas the Care of my Fame.

Sir _Jam_. Nothing else I protest, my dear little Rogue; I have as much
Love as you, but I have more Conduct.

Mrs. _Sago_. Well, you know how soon I forgive you your Faults.

Sir. _Jam._ Now to what Purpose have I lyed myself into her good Graces,
when I would be glad to be rid of her? [_Aside._]

L. _Revel_. Booted and spurr'd say you! Pray send him up, Sir _James_; I
suppose trusty _Buckle_ is come with some diverting Embassy from your
Friend.

      _Enter_ Buckle _in a Riding-Dress_.

Mr. _Buckle_, Why in this Equipage?

_Buck._ Ah! Madam----

L. _Revel_. Out with it.

_Buck._ Farewel, Friends, Parents, and my Country; thou, dear
Play-House, and sweet Park, Farewel.

L. _Revel_. Farewel, why, whither are you going?

_Buck._ My Lord and I am going where they never knew Deceit.

Sir _Jam_. That Land is invisible, _Buckle_.

L. _Revel_. Ha, ha, ha.

Sir _Jam_. Were my Lord of my Mind, your Ladyship should not have had so
large a Theme for your Mirth. Your Servant Ladies. [_Exit._

L. _Revel_. Well, but what's your Business?

_Buck._ My Lord charg'd me in his Name to take his everlasting Leave of
your Ladyship.

L. _Revel_. Why, where is he going pray?

_Buck._ In Search of a Country where there is no Women.

Mrs. _Sago_. Oh dear! Why what have the Women done to him pray?

_Buck._ Done to him, Madam! He says they are all proud, perfidious,
vain, inconstant Coquets in _England_.

Mrs. _Sago_. Oh! he'll find they are every where the same.

L. _Revel_. And this is the Cause of his whimsical Pilgrimage? Ha, ha.

_Buck._ And this proceeds from your ill Usage, Madam; when he left your
House--he flung himself into his Coach with such a Force, that he broke
all the Windows--as they say--for my Part I was not there--When he came
home, he beat all his Servants round to be reveng'd.

_Alp._ Was you there, _Buckle_?

_Buck._ No, I thank my Stars, when I arriv'd, the Expedition was
over--in haste he mounted his Chamber----flung himself upon his
Bed--burst out into a violent Passion--Oh that ever I should suffer
myself to be impos'd upon, said he, by this coquettish Beauty!

L. _Revel_. Meaning me, _Buckle_, Ha, ha.

_Buck._ Stay till I have finished the Piece, Madam, and your Ladyship
shall judge----she's as fickle as she's fair--she does not use more Art
to gain a Lover, said he, than to deceive him when he is fix'd----Humph.

      [_Leering at her._

L. _Revel_. Pleasant----and does he call this taking Leave?

Mrs. _Sago_. A comical Adieu.

_Buck._ Oh! Madam, I'm not come to the tragical Part of it yet; starting
from his Bed--

L. _Revel_. I thought it had been all Farce--if there be any Thing
Heroic in't, I'll set my Face and look grave.

_Buck._ My Relation will require it, Madam, for I am ready to weep at
the Repetition: Had you but seen how often he travers'd the Room,
[_Acting it._] heard how often he stamp'd, what distorted Faces he made,
casting up his Eyes thus, biting his Thumbs thus.

L. _Revel_. Ha, ha, ha, you'll make an admirable Actor--shall I speak to
the Patentees for you?

Mrs. _Sago_. But pray how did this end?

_Buck._ At last, Madam, quite spent with Rage, he sunk down upon his
Elbow, and his Head fell upon his Arm.

L. _Revel_. What, did he faint away?

_Buck._ Oh, no.

Mrs. _Sago_. He did not die?

_Buck._ No, but he fell asleep.

L. _Revel_. Oh brave Prince _Prettiman_!

_Omnes._ Ha, ha, ha.

_Buck._ After three Hours Nap, he wak'd--and calling hastily--my dear
_Buckle_, said he, let's to the End of the World; and try to find a
Place where the Sun shines not here and there at one Time----for 'tis
not fit that it should at once look upon two Persons whose Sentiments
are so different--She no longer regards my Pain, ungrateful, false,
inhuman, barbarous Woman.

L. _Revel_. Foolish, fond, believing, easy Man; there's my Answer--Come,
shall we to _Picquet_, my Dear?

_Buck._ Hold, hold, Madam, I han't half done----

Mrs. _Sago_. Oh! Pray my Lady _Reveller_, let's have it out, 'tis very
diverting.----

_Buck._ He call'd me in a feeble Voice: _Buckle_, said he, bring me my
little Scrutore--for I will write to Lady _Reveller_ before I part from
this Place, never to behold her more--What, don't you cry, Madam?

L. _Revel_. Cry--No, no; go on, go on.

_Buck._ Tis done, Madam--and there's the Letter. [_Gives her a Letter._

L. _Revel_. So, this completes the Narration. [_Reads._

Madam, _Since I cannot live in a Place where there is a Possibility of
seeing you without admiring, I resolve to fly; I am going to_ Flanders:
_Since you are false I have no Business here--I need not describe the
Pain I feel, you are but too well acquainted with that--therefore I'll
chuse Death rather than return_--Adieu.

_Buck._ Can any Man in the World write more tenderly, Madam? Does he not
say 'tis impossible to love you, and go for _Flanders_? and that he
would rather hear of your Death than return----

L. _Revel_. Excellent, Ha, ha.

_Buck._ What, do you laugh?

Mrs. _Sago_. Who can forbear?

_Buck._ I think you ought to die with Grief; I warrant Heaven will
punish you all. [_Going._

_Alp._ But harkye, _Buckle_, where are you going now?

_Buck._ To tell my Lord in what Manner your Lady receiv'd his Letter;
Farewel--now for _Flanders_--

_Alp._ A fair Wind and a good Voyage to you.

      [_As he goes out enter Lord_ Worthy.

_Buck._ My Lord here! So, now may I have my Head broke for my long
Harangue, if it comes out.

L. _Revel_. Oh miraculous--my Lord! you have not finish'd your Campaign
already, have you? Ha, ha, ha; or has the _French_ made Peace at hearing
of your Lordship's intended Bravery, and left you no Enemies to combat?

_Lord._ My worst of Foes are here--here, within my Breast; your Image,
Madam.

L. _Revel_. O dear, my Lord, no more of that Theme, for _Buckle_ has
given us a Surfeit on't already----even from your breaking the Glasses
of your Coach--to your falling fast asleep, Ha, ha, ha.

_Lord._ The Glasses of my Coach! What do you mean, Madam--Oh Hell!

      [_Biting his Thumbs._

_Buck._ Ruin'd quite----Madam, for Heaven's Sake, what does your
Ladyship mean? I ly'd in every Syllable I told you, Madam.

L. _Revel_. Nay, if your Lordship has a Mind to act it over again, we
will oblige you for once--_Alpiew_, set Chairs----Come, dear _Sago_, sit
down--and let the Play begin--_Buckle_ knows his Part, and upon
Necessity could act yours too, my Lord.

_Lord._ What has this Dog been doing? When he was only to deliver my
Letter, to give her new Subject for Mirth--Death, methinks I hate
her--Oh that I could hold that Mind----What makes you in this Equipage?
Ha, Sirrah? [_Aside._]

_Buck._ My Lord, I, I, I, I,

_Lord._ Peace, Villain---- [_Strikes him._

_Lady._ Hey--This is changing the Scene.

_Buck._ Who the Devil would rack his Brains for these People of Quality,
who like no Body's Wit but their own?---- [_Aside._]

Mrs. _Sago_. If the Beating were Invention before, thou hast it now in
reality; if Wars begin, I'll retire. They may agree better alone
perhaps. [_Exit._

_Lady._ Where did you learn this Rudeness, my Lord, to strike your
Servant before me?

_Lord._ When you have depriv'd a Man of his Reason, how can you blame
his Conduct?

_Buckle._ Reason--Egad--there's not three Drams of Reason between you
both--as my Cheek can testify. [_Aside._]

_Lady._ The Affront was meant to me--nor will I endure these Passions--I
thought I had forbid your Visits.

_Lord._ I thought I had resolv'd against them too.

_Alpiew._ But Resolutions are of small Force of either Side. [_Aside._]

_Lord._ Grant me but this one Request, and I'll remove this hated
Object.

_Lady._ Upon Condition 'tis the last.

_Lord._ It shall--I think it shall at least--Is there a Happy Man for
whom I am despised?

_Lady._ I thought 'twas some such ridiculous Question; I'm of the
Low-Church, my Lord, consequently hate Confessors! ha, ha, ha.

_Buckle._ And Penance too I dare swear. [_Aside._]

_Lord._ And every Thing but Play.

_Lady._ Dare you, the Subject of my Power--you, that petition Love,
arraign my Pleasures? Now I'm fixt--and will never see you more.

_Buckle._ Now wou'd any Body swear she's in earnest.

_Lord._ I cannot bear that Curse--see me at your Feet again. [_Kneels._]
Oh! you have tortur'd me enough, take Pity now dear Tyrant, and let my
Sufferings end.

_Lady._ I must not be Friends with him, for then I shall have him at my
Elbow all Night, and spoil my Luck at the _Basset-Table_. [_Aside._]
Either Cringing or Correcting, always in Extreams--I am weary of this
Fatigue.

  _He that would gain my Heart, must learn the Way_
  _Not to controul, but readily obey;_
  _For he that once pretends my Faults to see,_
  _That Moment makes himself all Faults to me._      [Exit.

_Buckle._ There's the Inside of a Woman. [_Aside._]

_Lord._ Gone--now Curses on me for a Fool--the worst of Fools--a Woman's
Fool--

  _Whose only Pleasure is to feed her Pride,_
  _Fond of her Self, she cares for none beside:_
  _So true Coquets their numerous Charms display,_
  _And strive to conquer, purpose to betray._




ACT IV.

_Enter Lord_ Worthy _and Sir_ James.


Sir _James_. Well, my Lord, I have left my Cards in the Hand of a Friend
to hear what you have to say to me. Love I'm sure is the Text, therefore
divide and subdivide as quick as you can.

_Lord._ Could'st thou infuse into me thy Temper, Sir _James_, I should
have thy Reason too; but I am born to love this Fickle, Faithless
Fair--What have I not essay'd to raze her from my Breast: but all in
vain! I must have her, or I must not live.

Sir _James_. Nay, if you are so far gone, my Lord, your Distemper
requires an able Physician--What think you of _Lovely_'s bringing a File
of Musketteers and carry her away, _Vi & Armis_?

_Lord._ That Way might give her Person to my Arms, but where's the
Heart?

Sir _James_. A Trifle in Competition with her Body.

_Lord._ The Heart's the Gem that I prefer.

Sir _James_. Say you so my Lord? I'll engage three Parts of _Europe_
will make that Exchange with you; Ha, ha, ha.

_Lord._ That Maxim wou'd hold with me perhaps in all but her; there I
must have both or none; therefore instruct me, Friend, thou who
negligent in Love, keeps always on the Level with the Fair--What Method
shall I take to sound her Soul's Design? For tho' her Carriage puts me
on the Rack when I behold that Train of Fools about her, yet my Heart
will plead in her Excuse, and calm my Anger spite of all Efforts.

Sir _James_. Humph? I have a Plot, my Lord, if you will comply with it.

_Lord._ Nothing of Force.

Sir _James_. What e'er it be you shall be Witness of it, 'twill either
quench your Flame, or kindle hers. I only will appear the Guilty; but
here's Company, I'll tell you all within.

      _Enter_ Captain _and_ Lovely, _dress'd like a Tar_.

L. _Wor._ I'll expect you. [_Exit._

Sir _James_. Ha, Captain, how sits the Wind between you and your
Mistress? Ha?

_Capt._ North and by South, Faith; but here's one sails full East, and
without some unexpected Tornado, from the old Man's Coast--he makes his
Port I warrant ye.

_Lovely._ I wish I were at Anchor once.

Sir _James_. Why, thou art as errant a Tar, as if thou had'st made an
_East-India_ Voyage, ha, ha.

_Lovely._ Ay, am I not, Sir _James_? But Egad I hope the old Fellow
understands nothing of Navigation; If he does, I shall be at a loss for
the Terms.

Sir _James_. Oh! no Matter for Terms--look big, and bluster for your
Country--describe the _Vigo_ Business--publick News will furnish you
with that, and I'll engage the Success.

_Capt._ Ay, ay, let me alone, I'll bear up with Sir _Richard_, and thou
shalt board his Pinnace with Consent, ne'er fear--ho, here he comes full
Sail.

      _Enter Sir_ Richard.

Sir _Richard_, I'm glad to see you; this is my Kinsman which I told you
of; as soon as he landed I brought him to kiss your Hands.

Sir _Rich_. I honour you, you are welcome.

_Lovely._ I thank you, Sir--I'm not for Compliments; 'tis a Land
Language, I understand it not; Courage, Honesty, and Plain-dealing
Truth, is the Learning of our Element; if you like that I am for ye.

Sir _James_. The Rogue does it to a Miracle. [_Aside to the Captain._

_Capt._ He's an improving Spark, I find, ha, ha.

Sir _Rich_. Like it, Sir? why 'tis the only Thing I do like, hang
Compliments and Court breeding, it serves only to make Men a Prey to one
another, to encourage Cowardice and ruin Trade--No, Sir, give me the
Man that dares meet Death and Dinner with the same Appetite--one who
rather than let in Popery, would let out his Blood; to maintain such Men
I'd pay double Custom; nay, all my Gain shou'd go for their Support.

Sir _James_. The best Well-wisher to his Country of an _Englishman_ I
ever heard.

_Lovely._ Oh! Sir _Richard_, I wish the Nation were all of your Mind,
'twou'd give the Soldiers and the Sailors Life. Captain launch off a
round Lye or two.

_Capt._ And make us fight with Heart and Hand; my Kinsman, I'll assure,
fits your Principle to a Hair; he hates the _French_ so much, he ne'er
fails to give them a Broadside where'er he meets them; and has brought
in more Privateers this War than half the Captains in the Navy; he was
the first Man that boarded the _French_ fleet at _Vigo_--and in
_Gibraltar_ Business--the _Gazetteer_ will inform you of the Name of
Captain _Match_.

Sir _James_. Is this that Captain _Match_?

_Lovely._ For want of a better, Sir.

Sir _James_. Sir, I shall be proud of being known to you.

Sir _Rich_. And I of being related to you, Sir--I have a Daughter young
and handsome, and I'll give her a Portion shall make thee an Admiral,
Boy; for a Soul like thine is only fit to command a Navy--what say'st
thou? art thou for a Wife?

Sir _James_. So, 'tis done, ha, ha, ha. [_Aside._]

_Capt._ A prosperous Gale I' faith.

_Lovely._ I don't know, Sir _Richard_, mehap a Woman may not like me; I
am rough and Storm-like in my Temper, unacquainted with the Effeminacy
of Courts; I was born upon the Sea, and since I can remember, never
liv'd two Months on Shore; if I marry, my Wife must go Aboard, I promise
you that.

Sir _Rich_. Aboard Man? Why she shall go to the _Indies_ with thee--Oh!
such a Son-in-law--how shall I be bless'd in my Posterity? now do I
foresee the Greatness of my Grand-Children; the Sons of this Man shall,
in the Ages to come, make _France_ a Tributary Nation.

_Lovely._ Once in an Engagement, Sir, as I was giving Orders to my Men,
comes a Ball and took off a Fellow's Head, and struck it full in my
Teeth; I whipp'd it up, clap'd it into a Gun, and shot it at the Enemy
again.

Sir _Rich_. Without the least Concern!

_Lovely._ Concern, Sir--ha, ha, ha, if it had been my own Head I would
have done the like.

Sir _Rich_. Prodigious Effect of Courage!--Captain I'll fetch my Girl,
and be here again in an Instant--What an Honour will it be to have such
a Son. [_Exit._

_Capt._ Ha, ha, ha, ha, you outdo your Master.

Sir _James_. Ha, ha, ha, ha, the old Knight's transported.

_Lovely._ I wish it was over, I'm all in a Sweat; here he comes again.

      _Enter Sir_ Richard _and_ Valeria.

Sir _Rich_. I'll hear none of your Excuses--Captain your Hand--there
take her, and these Gentlemen shall be Witnesses, if they please, to
this Paper, wherein I give her my whole Estate when I die, and twenty
thousand Pounds down upon the Nail; I care not whether my Boy be worth a
Groat--get me but Grandsons and I'm rich enough.

_Capt._ Generously said, I'faith--much Good may do him with her.

_Lovely._ I'll do my Endeavour, Father, I promise you.

Sir _James_. I wish you Joy, Captain, and you Madam.

_Val._ That's impossible; can I have Joy in a Species so very different
from my own? Oh my dear _Lovely_!--We were only form'd for one
another;--thy dear Enquiring Soul is more to me--than all these useless
Lumps of animated Clay: Duty compels my Hand--but my Heart is subject
only to my Mind,--the Strength of that they cannot conquer;--no, with
the Resolution of the Great Unparallel'd _Epictetus_,--I here protest my
Will shall ne'er assent to any but my _Lovely_.

Sir _Rich_. Ay, you and your Will may philosophize as long as you
please,--Mistress,--but your Body shall be taught another Doctrine,--it
shall so,----Your Mind and your Soul quotha! Why, what a Pox has my
Estate to do with them? Ha? 'Tis the Flesh Housewife, that must raise
Heirs,--and Supporters of my Name;----and since I knew the getting of
the Estate, 'tis fit I should dispose of it,----and therefore no more
Excuses, this is your Husband, do you see,----take my Word for it.

  Val. _The outward empty Form of Marriage take,_
       _But all beyond I keep for_ Lovely's _Sake._
       _Thus on the Ground for ever fix my Eyes;_
       _All Sights but_ Lovely's _shall their Balls despise._

Sir _Rich_. Come, Captain,--my Chaplain is within, he shall do the
Business this Minute: If I don't use the Authority of a Father, this
Baggage will make me lose such a Son-in-Law, that the City's Wealth
can't purchase me his Fellow. [_Aside._]

  Lov. _Thanks dear Invention for this timely Aid:_
       _The Bait's gone down, he's by himself betray'd._
       _Thus still where Arts both true and honest fail,_
       _Deceitful Wit and Policy prevail._

_Val._ To Death, or any Thing,--'tis all alike to me.

      [_Exit cum_ Valeria.

Sir _Rich_. Get you in I say,----Hussey, get you in. In my Conscience my
Niece has spoil'd her already; but I'll have her married this Moment:
Captain, you have bound me ever to you by this Match; command me and my
House for ever;--But shall I not have your Company, Gentlemen, to be
Witnesses of this Knot, this joyful Knot?

_Capt._ Yes, Faith, Sir _Richard_, I have too much Respect for my
Kinsman to leave him,--till I see him safe in Harbour; I'll wait on you
presently.

Sir _James_. I am engag'd in the next Room at Play, I beg your Pardon,
Sir _Richard_, for an Hour; I'll bring the whole Company to congratulate
the Bride and Bridegroom.

Sir _Rich_. Bride and Bridegroom! Congratulate me, Man! Methinks
I already see my Race recorded amongst the foremost Heroes of my
Nation;--Boys, all Boys,--and all Sailors.

  _They shall the Pride of_ France _and_ Spain _pull down,_
  _And add their Indies to our_ English _Crown._      [_Exit._

Sir _James_. Ha, ha, ha, never was Man so bigotted before;----how will
this end when he discovers the Cheat? Ha, ha, won't you make one with
the Ladies, Captain?

_Capt._ I don't Care if I do venture a Piece or two; I'll but dispatch a
little Business, and meet you at the Table, Sir _James_.

      _Enter Lady_ Lucy.

Sir _James_. Ha, Lady _Lucy_! is your Ladyship reconcil'd to _Basset_
yet? Will you give me Leave to lose this Purse to you, Madam?

L. _Lucy_. I thank Fortune, I neither wish, nor need it, Sir _James_; I
presume the next Room is furnish'd with Avarice enough to serve you in
that Affair, if it is a Burthen to you; or Mrs. _Sago_'s ill Luck may
give you an Opportunity of returning some of the Obligations you lie
under.

Sir _James_. Your Sex, Madam, extorts a Duty from ours, and a well bred
Man can no more refuse his Money to a Lady, than a Sword to his Friend.

L. _Lucy_. That Superfluity of good Manners, Sir _James_, would do
better converted into Charity; this Town abounds with Objects,----wou'd
it not leave a more glorious Fame behind you to be the Founder of some
pious Work, when all the Poor, at mention of your Name, shall bless your
Memory, than that Posterity shou'd say you wasted your Estate on Cards
and Women.

Sir _James_. Humph, 'tis pity she were not a Man, she preaches so
emphatically. [_Aside._] Faith, Madam, you have a very good Notion, but
something too early;----when I am old, I may put your Principles in
Practice, but Youth for Pleasure was design'd.--

L. _Lucy_. The truest Pleasure must consist in doing good, which cannot
be in Gaming.

Sir _James_. Every Thing is good in its Kind, Madam; Cards are harmless
Bits of Paper, Dice insipid Bones--and Women made for Men.

L. _Lucy_. Right, Sir _James_,--but all these Things may be
perverted.----Cards are harmless Bits of Paper in themselves, yet
through them, what Mischiefs have been done? What Orphans wrong'd? What
Tradesmen ruin'd? What Coaches and Equipage dismiss'd for them?

Sir _Jam_. But then, how many fine Coaches and Equipages have they set
up, Madam?

L. _Lucy_. Is it the more honourable for that? How many Misses keep
Coaches too? Which Arrogance in my Opinion only makes them more
eminently scandalous----

Sir. _Jam._ Oh! those are such as have a Mind to be damn'd in this
State, Madam; but I hope your Ladyship don't rank them amongst us
Gamesters.

L. _Lucy_. They are inseparable, Sir _James_; Madam's Grandeur must be
upheld--tho' the Baker and Butcher shut up Shop.

Sir _Jam_. Oh! Your Ladyship wrongs us middling Gentlemen there; to ruin
Tradesmen is the Quality's Prerogative only; and none beneath a Lord can
pretend to do't with an honourable Air, ha, ha.

L. _Lucy_. Their Example sways the meaner Sort; I grieve to think that
Fortune shou'd exalt such vain, such vicious Souls,----whilst Virtue's
cloath'd in Rags.

Sir _Jam_. Ah! Faith, she'd make but a scurvy Figure at Court, Madam;
the Statesmen and Politicians wou'd suppress her quickly; but whilst she
remains in your Breast she's safe,----and makes us all in love with that
fair Covering.

L. _Lucy_. Oh! Fie, fie, Sir _James_, you could not love one that hates
your chief Diversion.

Sir _Jam_. I shou'd hate it too, Madam, on some Terms that I cou'd name.

L. _Lucy_. What wou'd make that Conversion, pray?

Sir _Jam_. Your Heart.

L. _Lucy_. I cou'd pay that Price--but dare not venture upon one so
wild.--[_Aside._] First let me see the Fruit, e'er I take a Lease of the
Garden, Sir _James_.

Sir _Jam_. Oh! Madam, the best Way is to secure the Ground, and then you
may manure and cultivate it as you please.

L. _Lucy_. That's a certain Trouble, and uncertain Profit, and in this
Affair, I prefer the Theory before the Practice: But I detain you from
the Table, Sir _James_,--you are wanted to Tally----your
Servant.-- [_Exit._

Sir _Jam_. Nay, if you leave me, Madam, the Devil will tempt
me,----She's gone, and now can't I shake off the Thought of seven Wins,
eight Loses----for the Blood of me,----and all this grave Advice of
her's is lost,----Faith,--tho' I do love her above the rest of her
Sex;----she's an exact Model of what all Women ought to be,--and yet
your merry little coquettish Tits are very diverting;--well, now for
_Basset_; let me see what Money have I about me.--Humph! about a hundred
Guineas,----half of which will set the Ladies to cheating--false
Parolies in abundance.

  _Each Trifling Toy wou'd tempt in Times of Old,_
  _Now nothing melts a Woman's Heart like Gold._
  _Some Bargains drive, others more nice than they,_  }
  _Who'd have you think they scorn to kiss for Pay;_  }
  _To purchase them you must lose deep at Play._      }
  _With several Women, several Ways prevail;_
  _But Gold's a certain Way that cannot fail._      [Exit.


_The_ SCENE _draws, and discovers Lady_ Reveller, _Mrs._ Sago, _and
several Gentlemen and Ladies round a Table at_ Basset.

      _Enter Sir_ James.

L. _Revel_. Oh! Sir _James_, are you come? We want you to tally for us.

Sir _Jam_. What Luck, Ladies?

L. _Revel_. I have only won a _Sept & leva_.

Mrs. _Sago_. And I have lost a _Trante & leva_,----my ill Fortune has
not forsook me yet I see.

Sir _Jam_. I go a Guinea upon that Card.

L. _Revel_. You lose that Card.

Mrs. _Sago_. I masse Sir _James_'s Card double.

_Banker._ Seven wins, and five loses; you have lost it, Madam.

Mrs. _Sago_. Again?----sure never was Woman so unlucky----

_Banker._ Knave wins, and ten loses; you have won, Sir _James_.

L. _Revel_. Clean Cards here.

Mrs. _Sago_. Burn this Book, 't has an unlucky Air, [_Tears them._]
Bring some more Books.

      _Enter Captain._

L. _Revel_. Oh! Captain,----here set a Chair; come, Captain, you shall
sit by me--now if we can but strip this Tarr. [_Aside._]

_Capt._ With all my Heart, Madam;----come, what do you play
Gold?--that's something high tho';--well, a Guinea upon this honest
Knave of Clubs.

L. _Revel_. You lose it for a Guinea more.

_Capt._ Done, Madam.

_Banker._ The Five wins, and the Knave loses.

L. _Revel_. You have lost it, Captain.

Sir _Jam_. The Knave wins for two Guineas more, Madam.

L. _Revel_. Done, Sir _James_.

_Banker._ Six wins,--Knave loses.

Sir _Jam_. Oh! the Devil, I fac'd, I had rather have lost all.

_Banker._ Nine wins, Queen loses,--you have won.

Mrs. _Sago_. I'll make a Paroli,--I masse as much more; your Card loses,
Sir _James_, for two Guineas, yours, Captain, loses for a Guinea more.

_Banker._ Four wins. Nine loses;----you have lost, Madam.

Mrs. _Sago_. Oh! I could tear my Flesh--as I tear these
Cards;--Confusion!--I can never win above a wretched Paroli; for if I
push to _Sept & Leva_, 'tis gone.

      [_Walks about disorderly._

_Banker._ Ace wins, Knave loses.

_Capt._ Sink the Knave, I'll set no more on't.

L. _Revel_. Fac't again;--what's the Meaning of this ill Luck to Night;
Bring me a Book of Hearts, I'll try if they are more successful, that on
the Queen; yours and your Card loses.

Mrs. _Sago_. Bring me a fresh Book; bring me another Book; bring me all
Diamonds.

      [_Looks upon them One by One, then throws them over her
      Shoulders._

L. _Revel_. That can never be lucky; the Name of Jewels don't become a
Citizen's Wife. [_Aside._]

_Banker._ King wins, the Tray loses.

Sir _Jam_. You have great Luck to Night, Mr. _Sharper_.

_Sharper._ So I have, Sir _James_,--I have won _Soneca_ every Time.

L. _Revel_. But if he has got the knack of winning thus, he shall sharp
no more here, I promise him. [_Aside._]

Mrs. _Sago_. I masse that.

L. _Revel_. Sir _James_, pray will you Tally.

Sir _Jam_. With all my Heart, Madam.

[_Takes the Cards and shuffles them._

Mrs. _Sago_. Pray give me the Cards, Sir.

      [_Takes 'em and shuffles 'em, and gives 'em to him again._

_Capt._ I set that.

L. _Revel_. I set Five Guineas upon this Card, Sir _James_.

Sir _Jam_. Done Madam,----Five wins,--Six loses.

Mrs. _Sago_. I set that.

Sir _Jam_. Five don't go, and Seven loses.

_Capt._ I masse double.

L. _Revel_. I masse that.

Sir _Jam_. Three wins, Six loses.

Mrs. _Sago_. I masse, I masse double, and that--Oh ye malicious
Stars!----again.

Sir _Jam_. Eight wins, Seven loses.

_Capt._ So, this _Trante & leva_ makes some amends;--Adsbud, I hate
cheating--What's that false Cock made for now? Ha, Madam?

L. _Revel_. Nay, Mrs. _Sago_, if you begin to play foul.

Mrs. _Sago_. Rude Brute, to take Notice of the Slight of Hand in our
Sex;--I protest he wrongs me, Madam,--there's the _Dernier_ Stake, and
I'll set it all,----now Fortune favour me, or this Moment is my last.

L. _Revel_. There's the last of fifty Pounds,--what's the meaning of
this?

Sir _Jam_. Now for my Plot; her Stock is low I perceive.

      [_Slips a Purse of Gold into the Furbelows of Lady_ Reveller_'s
      Apron_.

L. _Revel_. I never had such ill Luck,----I must fetch more Money: Ha,
from whence came this? This is the genteelest Piece of Gallantry; the
Action is Sir _James_'s, I see by his Eyes.

      [_Discovers a Purse in the Furbelows of her Apron._

Sir _Jam_. Nine wins, Six loses.

Mrs. _Sago_. I am ruin'd and undone for ever; Oh, oh, oh, to lose every
Card, Oh, oh, oh. [_Bursts out a crying._

_Capt._ So, there's one Vessel sprung a-Leak, and I am almost
ashore;----if I go on at this Rate, I shall make but a lame Voyage on't
I doubt.

Sir _Jam_. Duce wins, King loses.

_Capt._ I masse again,--I masse double, I masse again;--now the Devil
blow my Head off if ever I saw Cards run so; damn 'em.

      [_Tears the Cards, and stamps on 'em._

Sir _Jam_. Fie, Captain, this Concern among the Ladies is indecent.

_Capt._ Damn the Ladies,--mayn't I swear,----or tear my Cards, if I
please; I'm sure I have paid for them: Pray count the Cards, I believe
there's a false Tally.

Sir _Jam_. No, they are right, Sir.

      [_Sir_ James _counts 'em_.

Mrs. _Sago_. Not to turn one Card! Oh, oh, oh.

      [_Stamps up and down._

L. _Revel_. Madam, if you play no longer, pray don't disturb those that
do.--Come, Courage, Captain, Sir _James_'s Gold was very lucky.--Who
cou'd endure these Men, did they not lose their Money? [_Aside._]

_Capt._ Bring another Book here;--that upon Ten,--and I masse that.--

      [_Puts down a Card, and turns another._

Sir _Jam_. King fac't, Eight wins, Ten loses.

_Capt._ Fire and Gunpowder. [_Exit._

L. _Revel_. Ha, ha, ha, what is the Captain vanish'd in his own
Smoke?--Come, I bett it with you, Mr. _Sharper_; your Card loses.

      _Re-enter Captain, pulling in a Stranger, which he had
      fetch'd out of the Street._

_Capt._ Sir, do you think it possible to lose a _Trante & leva_, a
_Quinze-leva_,--and a _Sept leva_,--and never turn once.

_Stranger._ No sure, 'tis impossible.

_Capt._ Ounds you lye, I did Sir.

      [_Laying his Hand on his Sword._

_All the Women._ Ah, ha, ah, ha.

      [_Shriek and run off._

_Capt._ What the Devil had I to do among these Land-Rats?--Zounds, to
lose forty Pounds for nothing, not so much as a Wench for it; Ladies,
quotha,--a Man had as good be acquainted with Pick-pockets. [_Exit._

Sir _Jam_. Ha, ha, ha, the Captain has frightened the Women out of their
Wits,----now to keep my Promise with my Lord, tho' the Thing has but an
ill Face, no Matter.

  _They join together to enslave us Men,_
  _And why not we to conquer them again._




ACT V.

_Enter Sir_ James _on one Side, and Lady_ Reveller _on the other_.


L. _Revel_. Sir _James_, what have you done with the rude Porpoise?

Sir _Jam_. He is gone to your Uncle's Apartment, Madam, I suppose.----I
was in Pain till I knew how your Ladyship did after your Fright.

L. _Revel_. Really, Sir _James_, the Fellow has put me into the Spleen
by his ill Manners. Oh, my Stars! that there should be such an
unpolish'd Piece of Humanity, to be in that Disorder for losing his
Money to us Women--I was apprehensive he would have beat me, ha, ha.

Sir _Jam_. Ha, ha, your Ladyship must impute his ill Breeding to the
Want of Conversation with your Sex; but he is a Man of Honour with his
own, I assure you.

L. _Revel_. I hate out of fashion'd Honour.----But where's the Company,
Sir _James_? Shan't we play again?

Sir _Jam_. All dispers'd, Madam.

L. _Revel_. Come, you and I will go to Picquet then.

Sir _Jam_. Oh, I'm tir'd with Cards, Madam, can't you think of some
other Diversion to pass a chearful Hour?--I cou'd tell you one, if you'd
give me leave.

L. _Revel_. Of your own Invention? Then it must be a pleasant One.

Sir _Jam_. Oh, the pleasantest one in the World.

L. _Revel_. What is it, I pray?

Sir _Jam_. Love, Love, my dear Charmer. [_Approaches her._

L. _Revel_. Oh, _Cupid_! How came that in your Head?

Sir _Jam_. Nay, 'tis in my Heart, and except you pity me, the Wound is
mortal.

L. _Revel_. Ha, ha, ha, is Sir _James_ got into Lord _Worthy_'s
Class?----You that could tell me I should not have so large a Theme for
my Diversion, were you in his Place, ha, ha, ha: What, and is the gay,
the airy, the witty, inconstant Sir _James_ overtaken? ha, ha.

Sir _Jam_. Very true, Madam,----you see there is no jesting with
Fire.----Will you be kind?

      [_Gets between her and the Door._

L. _Revel_. Kind? What a dismal Sound was there?--I'm afraid your
Fever's high, Sir _James_, ha, ha.

Sir _Jam_. If you think so, Madam, 'tis time to apply cooling Medicines.

      [_Locks the Door._

L. _Revel_. Ha, what Insolence is this? The Door lock'd! What do you
mean, Sir _James_?

Sir _Jam_. Oh, 'tis something indecent to name it, Madam, but I intend
to shew you.

      [_Lays hold on her._

L. _Revel_. Unhand me, Villain, or I'll cry out----

Sir _Jam_. Do, and make yourself the Jest of Servants, expose your
Reputation to their vile Tongues,--which, if you please, shall remain
safe within my Breast; but if with your own Noise you blast it, here I
bid Defiance to all Honour and Secrecy,--and the first Man that enters,
dies. [_Struggles with her._

L. _Revel_. What shall I do? Instruct me Heaven.--Monster! is this your
Friendship to my Lord? And can you wrong the Woman he adores?

Sir _Jam_. Ay, but the Woman does not care a Souse for him; and
therefore he has no Right above me; I love you as much, and will
possess.

L. _Revel_. Oh! Hold----Kill me rather than destroy my Honour;--what
Devil has debauch'd your Temper? Or, how has my Carriage drawn this
Curse upon me? What have I done to give you Cause to think you ever
should succeed this hated Way? [_Weeps._

Sir _Jam_. Why this Question, Madam? Can a Lady that loves Play so
passionately as you do,--that takes as much Pains to draw Men in to lose
their Money, as a Town Miss to their Destruction,----that caresses all
Sorts of People for your Interest, that divides your Time between your
Toilet and _Basset-Table_; can you, I say, boast of innate Virtue?--Fye,
fye, I am sure you must have guess'd for what I play'd so deep;----we
never part with our Money without Design,--or writing Fool upon our
Foreheads;----therefore no more of this Resistance, except you would
have more Money.

L. _Revel_. Oh! horrid.

Sir _Jam_. There was fifty Guineas in that Purse, Madam,----here's fifty
more; Money shall be no Dispute.

      [_Offers her Money._

L. _Revel_. [_Strikes it down._] Perish your Money with yourself----you
Villain----there, there; take your boasted Favours, which I resolv'd
before to have paid in _Specie_; basest of Men, I'll have your Life for
this Affront----what ho, within there.

Sir _Jam_. Hush!----'Faith, you'll raise the House. [_Lays hold on
her._] And 'tis in vain--you're mine; nor will I quit this Room 'till
I'm possess'd. [_Struggles._

L. _Revel_. Raise the House! I'll raise the World in my Defence; help,
Murther! Murther----a Rape, a Rape----

      _Enter Lord_ Worthy _from another Room with his Sword drawn_.

_Lord._ Ha! Villain, unhand the Lady----or this Moment is thy last.

Sir _Jam_. Villain, back my Lord----follow me. [_Exit._

L. _Revel_. By the bright Sun that shines, you shall not go--no, you've
sav'd my Virtue, and I will preserve your Life--let the vile Wretch be
punish'd by viler Hands--yours shall not be prophan'd with Blood so
base, if I have any Power----

_Lord._ Shall the Traytor live?--Tho' your barbarous Usage does not
merit this from me, yet in Consideration that I lov'd you once--I will
chastise his Insolence.

L. _Revel_. Once----Oh! say not once; do you not love me still? Oh! how
pure your Soul appears to me above that detested Wretch. [_Weeps._

Sir _Jam_. [_Peeping._] It takes as I could wish--

_Lord._ Yet how have I been slighted; every Fop preferr'd to me--Now you
discover what Inconveniency your Gaming has brought you into----this
from me would have been unpardonable Advice--now you have prov'd it at
your own Expence.

L. _Revel_. I have, and hate myself for all my Folly--Oh! forgive
me--and if still you think me worthy of your Heart----I here return you
mine----and will this Hour sign it with my Hand.

Sir _Jam_. How I applaud myself for this Contrivance.

_Lord._ Oh the transporting Joy, it is the only Happiness I covet here.

  _Haste then my Charmer, haste the long'd-for Bliss,_
  _The happiest Minute of my Life is this._      [Exit.

Sir _Jam_. Ha, ha, ha, ha; how am I censur'd now for doing this Lady a
Piece of Service, in forcing that upon her, which only her Vanity and
Pride restrain'd.

  _So blushing Maids refuse the courted Joy,_
  _Tho' wishing Eyes, and pressing Hands comply;_
  _Till by some Stratagem the Lover gains,_
  _What she deny'd to all his amorous Pains._

      _As Sir_ James is _going off, enter Lady_ Lucy _meeting him_.

Sir _Jam_. Ha, Lady _Lucy_!----Having succeeded for my Friend, who knows
but this may be my lucky Minute too?----Madam, you come opportunely to
hear.

      [_Takes her by the Hand._

L. _Lucy_. Stand off, basest of Men, I have heard too much; coud'st thou
chuse no House but this, to act thy Villanies in? And coud'st thou offer
Vows to me, when thy Heart, poison'd with vicious Thoughts, harbour'd
this Design against my Family?

Sir _Jam_. Very fine, 'Faith, this is like to be my lucky Minute with a
Witness; but Madam--

L. _Lucy_. Offer no Excuse, 'tis height of Impudence to look me in the
Face.

Sir _Jam_. 'Egad she loves me----Oh! happy Rogue----this Concern can
proceed from nothing else. [_Aside._]

L. _Lucy_. My Heart till now unus'd to Passion swells with this Affront;
wou'd reproach thee----wou'd reproach myself, for having harboured one
favourable Thought of thee.

Sir _Jam_. Why did you, Madam?--'Egad I owe more to her Anger than ever
I did to her Morals.

L. _Lucy_. Ha! What have I said?

Sir _Jam_. The only kind Word you ever utter'd.

L. _Lucy_. Yes, Impostor; know to thy Confusion, that I did love thee,
and fancy'd I discover'd some Seeds of Virtue amongst that Heap of
Wickedness; but this last Action has betray'd the fond Mistake, and
shew'd thou art all o'er Fiend.

Sir _Jam_. Give me leave, Madam----

L. _Lucy_. Think not this Confession meant to advance thy impious Love,
but hear my final Resolution.

Sir _Jam_. 'Egad I must hear it----I find; for there's no stopping her.

L. _Lucy_. From this Moment I'll never----

Sir _Jam_. [_Clapping his Hand before her Mouth._] Nay, nay, nay, after
Sentence no Criminal is allow'd to Plead; therefore I will be heard--not
Guilty, not Guilty, Madam, by--if I don't prove that this is all a
Stratagem, contriv'd, study'd, design'd, prosecuted, and put in
Execution, to reclaim your Cousin, and give my Lord Possession--may you
finish your Curse, and I be doom'd to everlasting Absence--'Egad I'm out
of Breath----

L. _Lucy_. Oh! Coud'st thou prove this?

Sir _Jam_. I can, if by the Proof you'll make me happy; my Lord shall
convince you.

L. _Lucy_. To him I will refer it, on this Truth your Hopes depend.

  _In vain we strive our Passions to conceal,_
  _Our very Passions do our Loves reveal;_
  _When once the Heart yields to the Tyrant's Sway,_
  _The Eyes our Tongue will soon the Flame betray._      [Exit.

Sir _Jam_. I was never out at a critical Minute in my Life.

      _Enter Mr._ Sago _and two Bailiffs meeting_ Alpiew.

_Sago._ Hark ye, Mistress, is my Wife here?

_Alp._ Truly, I shan't give myself the Trouble of seeking her for him,
now she has lost all her Money--your Wife is a very indiscreet Person,
Sir.

_Sago._ I'm afraid I shall find it so to my Cost.

_Bailiffs._ Come, come, Sir, we can't wait all Day--the Actions are a
thousand Pounds----You shall have Time to send for Bail, and what
Friends you please.

_Sago._ A thousand Pounds! [_Enter Mrs._ Sago.] Oh Lambkin! have you
spent me a thousand Pounds?

Mrs. _Sago_. Who, I Pudd? Oh! undone for ever----

_Sago._ Pudd me no Pudd--Do you owe Mr. _Taby_, the Mercer two hundred
Pounds, ha?

Mrs. _Sago_. I, I, I don't know the Sum, dear Pudd--but, but, but, I do
owe him something; but I believe he made me pay too dear.

_Sago._ Oh! thou Wolfkin, instead of Lambkin----for thou hast devour'd
my Substance; and do'st thou owe Mr. _Dollar_ the Goldsmith, three
hundred Pounds? Do'st thou? Ha, speak Tygress.

Mrs. _Sago_. Sure it can't be quite three hundred Pounds. [_Sobbing._

_Sago._ Thou Island Crocodile thou----and do'st thou owe _Ratsbane_ the
Vintner an hundred Pounds? And were those Hampers of Wine which I
receiv'd so joyfully, sent by thyself to thyself, ha?

Mrs. _Sago_. Yes, indeed, Puddy----I, I, I beg your Pardon. [_Sobbing._

_Sago._ And why did'st not thou tell me of them, thou
Rattle-Snake?----for they say they have sent a hundred Times for their
Money--else I had not been arrested in my Shop.

Mrs. _Sago_. Be, be, be because I, I, I was afraid, dear Puddy.
[_Crying._

_Sago._ But wer't thou not afraid to ruin me tho', dear Pudd? Ah! I need
ask thee no more Questions, thou Serpent in Petticoats; did I doat upon
thee for this? Here's a Bill from _Callico_ the Linen-Draper; another
from _Setwell_ the Jeweller----from _Coupler_ a Mantua-maker, and
_Pimpwell_ the Milliner; a Tribe of Locusts enough to undo a Lord-Mayor.

Mrs. _Sago_. I hope not, truly, Dear, Deary I'm sure that's all.

_Sago._ All, with a Pox----no Mrs. _Jezebel_, that's not all; there's
two hundred Pounds due to myself for Tea, Coffee, and Chocolate, which
my Journeyman has confess'd, since your Roguery came out--that you have
embezzled, Hussy, you have; so this comes of your keeping Quality
Company----e'en let them keep you now, for I have done with you, you
shall come no more within my Doors, I promise you.

Mrs. _Sago_. Oh! Kill me rather; I never did it with Design to part with
you, indeed, Puddy. [_Sobbing._

_Sago._ No, no, I believe not, whilst I was worth a Groat. Oh!

      _Enter Sir_ James.

Sir _Jam_. How! Mrs. _Sago_ in Tears, and my honest Friend in Ruffians
Hands; the Meaning of this?

_Sago._ Oh! Sir _James_----my hypocritical Wife is as much a Wife as any
Wife in the City----I'm arrested here in an Action of a thousand Pounds,
that she has taken up Goods for, and gam'd away; get out of my Sight,
get out of my Sight, I say.

Mrs. _Sago_. Indeed, and indeed, [_Sobbing._] dear Puddy, but I
cannot--no, here I will hang for ever on this Neck.

      [_Flies about his Neck._

_Sago._ Help, Murder, Murder; why, why, what will you collar me?

Sir _Jam_. Right, Woman; I must try to make up this Breach----Oh! Mr.
_Sago_, you are unkind----'tis pure Love that thus transports your Wife,
and not such base Designs as you complain of.

_Sago._ Yes, yes; and she run me in Debt out of pure Love too, no doubt.

Mrs. _Sago_. So, it was, Pudd.

_Sago._ What was it, ha, Mistress, out of Love to me that you have
undone me? Thou, thou, thou, I don't know what to call thee bad enough.

Mrs. _Sago_. You won't hear your Keecky out, dear Pudd; it was not out
of Love for Play----but for Lo, Lo, Love to you, dear Pudd; if you'll
forgive me, I'll ne'er play again.

      [_Crying and Sobbing all the while._

Sir _Jam_. Nay, now, Sir, you must forgive her.

_Sago._ What! Forgive her that would send me to Jail?

Sir _Jam_. No, no, there's no Danger of that, I'll bail you, Mr. _Sago_,
and try to compound those Debts----You know me, Officers.

_Officers._ Very well, Sir _James_, your Worship's Word is sufficient.

Sir _Jam_. There's your Fees then, leave here your Prisoner, I'll see
him forth-coming.

_Officers._ With all our Hearts; your Servant, Sir. [_Exit._

_Sago._ Ah thou wicked Woman, how have I doated on those Eyes! How often
have I kneel'd to kiss that Hand! Ha, is not this true, Keecky?

Mrs. _Sago_. Yes, Deary, I, I, I, I do confess it.

_Sago._ Did ever I refuse to grant whatever thou ask'd me?

Mrs. _Sago_. No, never Pudd-- [_Weeps still._

_Sago._ Might'st not thou have eaten Gold, as the Saying is, ha?--Oh
Keecky, Keecky! [_Ready to weep._

Sir _Jam_. Leave crying, and wheedle him, Madam, wheedle him.

Mrs. _Sago_. I do confess it; and can't you forgive your Keecky then,
that you have been so tender of, that you so often confess your Heart
has jump'd up to your Mouth when you have heard my Beauty prais'd.

_Sago._ So it has I profess, Sir _James_,--I begin to melt----I do; I am
a good-natur'd Fool, that's the Truth on't: But if I should forgive you,
what would you do to make me amends? For that fair Face, if I turn you
out of Doors, will quickly be a cheaper Drug than any in my Shop.

Sir _Jam_. And not maintain her half so well--promise largely, Madam.
[_To Mrs._ Sago.

Mrs. _Sago_. I'll love you for ever, Deary.

_Sago._ But you'll jig to _Covent-Garden_ again.

Mrs. _Sago_. No, indeed, I won't come within the Air on't, but take up
with City Acquaintance, rail at the Court, and go twice a Week with Mrs.
_Outside_ to _Pinmakers-hall_.

_Sago._ That would rejoice my Heart. [_Ready to weep._

Sir _Jam_. See, if the good Man is not ready to weep; your last Promise
has conquer'd--Come, come, buss and be Friends, and end the Matter--I'm
glad the Quarrel is made up, or I had had her upon my Hands. [_Aside._]

Mrs. _Sago_. Pudd, don't you hear Sir _James_, Pudd?

_Sago._ I can hold no longer.----Yes, I do hear him,----come then to the
Arms of thy nown Pudd.

      [_Run into one another's Arms._

Sir _Jam_. Now all's well; and for your Comfort, Lady _Reveller_ is by
this Time married to my Lord _Worthy_, and there will be no more Gaming,
I assure you, in that House.

_Sago._ Joys upon Joys. Now if these Debts were but accommodated, I
should be happier than ever; I should indeed, _Keecky_.

Sir _Jam_. Leave that to me, Mr. _Sago_, I have won Part of your Wife's
Money; and will that Way restore it you.

_Sago._ I thank you, good Sir _James_, I believe you are the first
Gamester that ever refunded.

Mrs. _Sago_. Generously done,----Fortune has brought me off this Time,
and I'll never trust her more.

Sir _Jam_. But see the Bride and Bridegroom.

      _Enter Lord_ Worthy _and Lady_ Reveller, _Lady_ Lucy, Buckle
      _and_ Alpiew.

L. _Lucy_. This Match which I have now been Witness to, is what I long
have wish'd; your Course of Life must of Necessity be chang'd.

L. _Revel_. Ha, Sir _James_ here!--Oh if you love me, my Lord, let us
avoid that Brute; you must not meet him.

Sir _Jam_. Oh, there's no Danger, Madam----My Lord, I wish you Joy with
all my Heart; we only quarrel'd to make you Friends, Madam, ha, ha, ha.

L. _Revel_. What, am I trick'd into a Marriage then?

_Lord._ Not against your Will, I hope.

L. _Revel_. No, I forgive you; tho' had I been aware of it, it should
have cost you a little more Pains.

_Lord._ I wish I could return thy Plot, and make this Lady thine, Sir
_James_.

Sir _Jam_. Then I should be paid with Interest, my Lord.

L. _Lucy_. My Fault is Consideration you know, I must think a little
longer on't.

Sir _Jam_. And my whole Study shall be to improve those Thoughts to my
own Advantage.

_Sago._ I wish your Ladyship Joy, and hope I shall keep my Keecky to
myself now.

_Lady._ With all my Heart, Mr. _Sago_, she has had ill Luck of late,
which I am sorry for.

Mrs. _Sago._ My Lord _Worthy_ will confine your Ladyship from Play as
well as I, and my Injunction will be more easy when I have your Example.

_Buck._ Nay, 'tis Time to throw up the Cards when the Game's out.

      _Enter Sir_ Richard, _Captain_ Hearty, Lovely, _and_ Valeria.

_Capt._ Well, Sir _James_, the Danger's over; we have doubled the Cape,
and my Kinsman is sailing directly to the Port.

Sir _Jam_. A boon Voyage.

Sir _Rich_. 'Tis done, and my Heart is at Ease.--Did you ever see such a
perverse Baggage? Look in his Face, I say, and thank your Stars; for
their best Influences gave you this Husband.

_Lov._ Will not _Valeria_ look upon me? She us'd to be more kind when we
have fish'd for Eels in Vinegar.

_Val._ My _Lovely_, is it thee! And has natural Sympathy forborn to
inform my Sense thus long? [_Flies to him._

Sir _Rich_. How! how! This _Lovely_? What, does it prove the Ensign I
have so carefully avoided?

_Lov._ Yes, Sir, the same; I hope you may be brought to like a
Land-Soldier, as well as a Seaman.

Sir _Rich_. And, Captain, have you done this?

_Capt._ Yes 'Faith, she was too whimsical for our Element; her hard
Words might have conjur'd up a Storm for ought I know,----so I have set
her ashore.

L. _Revel_. What, my Uncle deceiv'd with his Stock of Wisdom? ha, ha,
ha.

_Buck._ Here's such a Coupling, Mrs. _Alpiew_, han't you a Month's Mind?

_Alp._ Not to you, I assure you.

_Buck._ I was but in Jest, Child; say nay, when you're ask'd.

Sir _Jam_. The principal Part of this Plot was mine, Sir _Richard_.

Sir _Rich_. Wou'd 'twas in my Power to hang you for't. [_Aside._]

Sir _Jam_. And I have no Reason to doubt you should repent it; he is a
Gentleman, tho' a younger Brother; he loves your Daughter, and she him,
which has the best Face of Happiness in a marry'd State; you like a Man
of Honour, and he has as much as any one, that I assure you, Sir
_Richard_.

Sir _Rich_. Well, since what's past is past Recal, I had as good be
satisfied as not; therefore take her, and bless ye together.

_Lord._ So now each Man's Wish is crown'd, but mine with double Joy.

_Capt._ Well said, Sir _Richard_, let's have a Bowl of Punch, and drink
to the Bridegroom's good Voyage to-Night----steady, steady, ha, ha.

_Sago._ I'll take a Glass with you, Captain,----I reckon myself a
Bridegroom too.

_Buck._ I doubt _Keecky_ won't find him such. [_Aside._]

Mrs. _Sago._ Well,--poor _Keecky_'s bound to good Behaviour, Or she had
quite lost her Puddy's Favour.

  _Shall I for this repine at Fortune?----No,_
  _I'm glad at Heart that I'm forgiven so._
  _Some Neighbours Wives have but too lately shewn,_
  _When Spouse had left 'em, all their Friends were flown._
  _Then all you Wives that wou'd avoid my Fate,_
  _Remain contented with your present State._




THE EPILOGUE.

Spoken by Mr. ESTCOURT.


  _This goodly Fabrick, to a gazing Tar,_
  _Seems Fore and Aft, a Three Deckt Man of War:_
  _Abaft, the Hold's the Pit, from thence look up;_
  _Aloft! that's Swabber's Nest, that's the Main-Top._
  _Side Boxes mann'd with Beau, and modish Rake,_
  _Are like the Fore-Castle and Quarter-Deck._
  _Those dark-disguised, advent'rous, black-nos'd few,_
  _May pass for Gunners, or a Fire-Ship's Crew._
  _Some come like Privateers a Prize to seize,_
  _And catch the_ French _within the Narrow Seas._
  _The Orange Ladies, Virgins of Renown,_
  _Are Powder-Monkies running up and down._
  _We've here our Calms, our Storms, and prosp'rous Gales,_
  _And shift our Scenes as Seamen shift their Sails._
  _The Ship's well mann'd, and not ill woman'd neither,_
  _So ballasted and stow'd, my Lads, she'll bear the Weather._
  _But greater Dangers vent'ring Players alarm;_
  _This Night's Engagement's worse than any Storm._
  _The Poet's Captain, but half dead with Fright,_
  _She leaves her Officers to maintain the Fight;_
  _Yond middle Teer with Eighteen Pounders maul us,_
  _That Upper-Deck with Great and Small Shot gaul us._
  _But from this Lower-Teer most Harm befals,_
  _There's no opposing their prevailing Balls._
  _At either Foe or Friend their Chain-Shot flies,_
  _We sink or swim, we conquer, fall or rise._
  _To fit and rig our Ships much Pains we take;_
  _Grant we may now a Saving-Voyage make._
  _Here we're embark'd, and as you smile or frown,_
  _You are our Stars, by you we live or drown._




TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE


Hyphenation is inconsistent throughout, as is the placement of
apostrophes. Missing punctuation has been added. While the period
spelling has generally been retained (including the capitalisation
of nouns), a few obvious typographical errors have been corrected,
especially where they might create confusion (examples include mein /
mien; sweatmeats / sweetmeats; aud / and; h'ell / he'll; purchuse /
purchase).

The specialist basset term "mase" was changed to "masse" in keeping with
modern usage. The name "Courttall" was changed to "Courtall" to reflect
the spelling in another play by the same author in which the character
plays a more substantial role.

In a speech by Lady Reveller towards the end of Act IV, the name "Harry"
was replaced with "James" in the sentence "The Action is Sir James's",
since the play does not feature a character named Harry.

The prologue and epilogue, which both preceded the cast list in the
original, have been moved to the beginning and end of the play
respectively.


[The end of _The Basset-Table_ by Susanna Centlivre]